Lost my obsession, life feels empty, just venting.
Hello everyone, I'm 27M and I just very recently found this subreddit. I looked through some of the rants / personal experiences on here and related so much that I felt like talking about my current situation. Please be kind, no matter what you might think.
Two weeks ago I lost the person I've been obsessively in love with for almost four years now and I feel more empty than I ever have before in my life. I can hardly motivate myself to get out of bed, eat or do anything at all.
And I just can't understand why. We were so incredibly happy. Both obsessed with each other from day one with all the things that come with it. We were constantly craving each others attention, spending literally every second together to the detriment of other relationships, had bursts of insane jealousy and yet were both FINE with that and it felt SO GOOD to finally be with someone who loved just like me. I never felt like I could just.. be my full self around a partner before, but we were both the same and we ACCEPTED that and loved each other exactly as we were. We perfectly matched in all aspects, could barely find anything we disagreed on. She also had a lot of childhood trauma that made her age-regress frequently and I started being a caregiver for the first time in my life for her.
Just a year after we met online she literally moved to my country and into a place together with me and for almost three more years after that we spent every waking moment together. I sunk every piece of myself into this relationship, grew as a person just to be a better partner to her, managed to finally hold down a job just because I wanted to make it possible for her to be a neet, started working out because I wanted to be in better shape for her. Every second that we couldn't physically be together we spent texting or video calling, slept on calls when we had to be in different places overnight, shared every random thought that crossed our minds. We were inseparable. She was my whole existence.
And then she told me she no longer loves me. That she needs to "find who she is" instead of making me her whole life. But I thought making each other our whole life was the whole point? That's what made us who we were, that's what we talked about loving so much so often. I made HER my whole life as well! We had talked about being obsessive lovers and agreed to love each other this way, were happier than I can ever put into words together, and suddenly all of that just... isn't what she wants anymore? Basically overnight? I feel so incredibly... betrayed. Like I should not have allowed myself to be ME, even around her, and maybe I wouldn't have lost her.
Now I feel like I have lost literally everything. My whole life was centered around her, all my ambitions, plans, hobbies, everything. Nothing feels worth doing anymore. There is no one to talk to and no one to even distract myself with, because she was my best and only friend. Nothing is fun, because we shared everything and now everything feels like it's missing what made it be fun to begin with.
Trigger Warning: Suicide
Things got so bad with me being so... utterly alone... that it ended up with me attempting to commit suicide last week. Because life without her just doesn't feel worth living anymore. I can't seem to see a point in it anymore. No future seems worth being in because it doesn't include her. And even though I am no longer actively suicidal as of this moment, I still feel... regret, that my life was saved and that I have to keep on going like this. Missing her this much makes me wish she had never allowed me to become obsessed with her in the first place.
End of Trigger Warning
From what I saw, a lot of you guys have had to deal with similar kinds of pain before. How did you manage to get through it? How do you move on from the person you've been so obsessed over? If there's anything I can do to make this hurt less, please let me know. I will be truly grateful for any piece of advice you can give.
And I would very much appreciate anyone who wants to say something negative of any sort to just... not. I don't think I could take it right now.
Thank you to anyone who read all of this.