u/Bouncy_Whale

Idk how to explain it but I feel like there's another me, in me. Last night I made a somewhat rant about everything that's been going on with my dissociation and looking back at it this affects my life more than I've said, not only that the letting 'auto' pilot take over is a lot more concerning then what I've made it out to be and I've watered it down quite a bit.

Like sometimes it's nice to sit back and let my body do the work while my mind is spacing out. Now looking back at it's not like my mind is doing nothing, it's like something else is replacing that space while I go out of reality, like I'm not there, but my mouth is speaking, my body is moving, my mind is thinking but these aren't my actions or thoughts, and I don't really have control over it. It's like a new person, but a person like me enough for people to never notice me drifting off.

There are also times I have a lingering thought of something I want to do or try, like a nag in my mind, but it doesn't feel like it's my thought, it's like something is poking my mind with a thought.

I know I'm me, I've always struggled with my identity, I'm me, I know that but sometimes I'm not always me, sometimes I'm like a different shade of me, same base, different colors.

Idk what this is, or what it means for me, if it's just lingering thoughts from zoning out, or maybe my mind is just like this.

Hello, I'm not really sure how to start this but I've noticed my dissociation is starting to affect me and my surroundings in a negative way, so I was wondering for any tips or disorders I should look into for help.

I've been dissociating since I was a kid but it hasn't really had an effect or been noticeable to people that I'm not extremely comfortable with until this year and it only seems to be getting worse. For example today in my math class I was trying to pay attention but I kept getting stuck in this loop of "watching" the class and actually practicing. I knew I was in the class physically but it felt like I was just watching the teacher talk even though my hand was writing and when I finally came back to reality it was like I forgot everything even though I just watched it happen. All I could do was stare at the work sheet, I looked at my work and copied what I could understand but I couldn't remember how to do any of the work.

I have done this in class before but I've never just "forgotten" the work that severely. For example in my English class I really didn't like the work so I just let my mind go into auto pilot, I got to sit back and zone out while still being able to do all the work. By the time I felt better it wasn't like math where I completely forgot everything I actually could just jump back into the work even if I was barely consciously there for the most of it.

Another thing with my classes is that I can never write a paper without constantly fighting myself on how to write it. I consistently get off topic or away from the topic the way I was writing it, this is something my English teacher pointed out.

My friends have also noticed some differences in me as well, they said it was subtle but they could tell I wasn't really 'There' anymore. Now it hasn't affected my friends much because, what they said, they just give me some more space when I'm zoning out, but they still include me.

What I'm really worried about is the gaps in my memory have been getting worse lately. When I was little I had gaps in my memory all the time, hours would pass by and I wouldn't even notice, I would be at a family meal and not remember a single word said, sometimes I would forget what someone said a second after word. I would give examples but it's really hard to remember much of any of my childhood, it's all just gaps.

But for a couple years it got better, I learned how to manage the gaps in my memories on my own without telling anyone, I was pretty proud of myself. Around that time I had a larger friend group and I was close with them all, I was happier often, my family seemed at bay compared to how they usually are.

Recently my entire friend group collapsed, a couple of us pulled back together but it's still been hard on me, and my family has gone back to their usual ways, and ever since then I've been going back to this state of just watching life, I was at church, I was aware of that. I was just watching, I can't remember the song they were singing, I don't remember if I was singing or what I was doing, I was just watching while everything was muffled and blurred around me.

Not only that it's been messing with my eating and drinking because I can't remember what I ate I often can't tell if I'm hungry until my stomach is screaming at me. Or I'll eat something, forget about it half way and not discover it until hours later. Same with drinks a couple weeks ago I was at my fridge and I was 'a Dr. Pepper seems nice', when I got to my room there was already a half full Dr.Pepper on my side table already. I don't remember ever getting up and going to the fridge or even drinking it, it's like that whole period of the day is just gone. Another instance was when I set my water to the side to let the dog out, once I let the dog out I completely forgot where I put my water. I searched the whole house just for it to be on the counter. Sometimes I'll think I completely drank something but later look up to see the drink still there, even though I swear I just finished it. This has caused me to have half drinks all over my bedroom and house and it's honestly disgusting.

Sometimes I don't even feel real anymore, like who is 'me', I can't ever figure out how to identify myself. I hate those 'discribe yourself' questions because I don't even know who I am. Me and my friends were making each other in the sims and they told me to do my personality traits and I froze like a deer in the headlights, then the same, 'watching' life thing happened until I forced myself out of it. I can't remember what I said exactly but it was like a 'oh how about we do each others' because then I would know how they saw me so I could know how to act, how to be me.

I think this stemmed from when I was little, I would listen to just about anything and make stories in my head, a new family, a new world, I could make many versions of 'me' and pick which one I wanted to be, I could never settle on one, it was like their names came to me, they're my best OCS.

I do have a therapist for my anxiety and depression. I told her a watered down version of the Church story because I was embarrassed, I really just said, 'I was watching the church but wasn't there', I've been too scared to tell her anymore, it's different when you're face to face with someone.

Sorry if this was a rant, I tried to break it into sections. If you guys have any tips on how to manage this or if it seems like I should look into a disorder please let me know.