Tried to socialise today and it just made things worse again
Went to meet with members of my local gaming club and I felt like an alien.
I constantly feel out of place and different and this just seemed to make everything worse again. I went with a positive attitude and looking forward to chatting about our hobby but there was this constant feeling of being unwanted.
No one was unfriendly and everyone chatted but it still felt like I don't belong.
And the worst part is, that after I said goodbye, I had this feeling or rather certainty everyone was glad that I left a little early.
It's always like this. I stopped inviting people to celebrate my birthday over 10 years ago because I've had this feeling back then.
And i can't even blame people for not wanting to be around me. I certainly can't stand me whenever I take a good look at myself.
And here I lie awake, unable to sleep, just dreading being here again tomorrow.
Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to hope for.
"It gets better!" They keep saying. But when?
I really don't know what I'm doing this for.