Happy birthday to me.
Last year this day I was planning on killing myself, but I didn't until a couple days later. Needless to say I failed, but at least I was high for three days straight. Today nothing has changed much, feeling wise.
Since then I started going to the gym, which I love, I'm getting close to my dreambody now. I got a new job where I don't feel undervalued, it's still very new but I have something challenging me now. A new car to mess around with, which is great. I even moved and love the house I have now. That all made me take better care of myself and that reflected greatly on the bond with my two kids.
But still, I feel the same. I just want to not have to do this anymore. The problem is that I know my survival instinct is bigger than my will to die so I don't even try because of the embarrasement afterwards.
I'm tired.