u/Bowserissuchalad — reddlx

Me and my ex?boyfriend have been together just over a year and have been going through a very rough patch for the past few months. Despite this, we both still love each other and had been trying really hard to make it work.

There has been a situation that has happened a few times which I have told him I don’t like and has led each time to a very explosive argument and us on the verge of breaking up. To summarise, he will be out drinking and upset me in some way or another and rather than speaking to me about it the next day he will go out drinking again and completely ignore me, my calls, and my texts. He’s not a very good communicator and comes across as very avoidant, which makes this situation hard for me when it happens as I very much like to talk things through.

This situation happened again on Saturday/ Sunday. He had been out Saturday and i ended up seeing him that night. What started as a small dispute ended up in him drunkenly telling me that he wasn’t happy in general and that he wasn’t sure if he could be with me as he didn’t want to burden me with this. I ended up driving him home which he wasn’t happy about as he wanted to stay out. I sent him a text on Sunday morning asking if we could talk about what he had said, to which he told me no and that he was going out again. I told him that if he goes out again that that is him telling me that we were done. He replied “Right” and i took that as confirmation that we were over.

I was very upset by this as this situation has happened before and it felt like we were over for real this time. I tried calling him upwards of 30 times to try and speak to him to which he didn’t respond, which solidified to me that we were done. This time it felt different to before and it felt like a genuine breakup. There was no doubt in my mind that we were over.

I met up with one of my friends and we went to a few bars. As we were going home I bumped into a guy I used to see and a few of his friends. He asked if we wanted to get a drink with them. My friend went home and I stayed with them.

I ended up staying at his house that night. I told him about what was going on and he comforted me as I talked and cried. I know this isn’t a healthy way of dealing with a breakup but it is what happened. Monday morning I left and went back to my house.

Monday evening, I finally received a message after almost a day of no contact from my ex?boyfriend. He told me that he couldn’t be with me as he needed to work stuff out for himself. He hasn’t been mentally in a very good place for a while and he wanted to focus on fixing that. He told me it wasn’t my fault and he still loves me and that he’s sorry to do this. I told him I was sorry that he was feeling like this and maybe we could speak about it to which he declined. I told him that I was sorry I couldn’t help him enough and also told him that as of last night he had let me know that we weren’t together due to his actions. We exchanged a few more messages and that was that. I was utterly distraught.

Tuesday he carried on messaging me, asking if I was okay to which I told him I wasn’t. I ended up seeing him Tuesday night where I broke down to him and told him that I couldn’t see a future without him in it. He told me he was so sorry and that he had made a mistake and that we can talk things through and that he wouldn’t shut down on me again. I asked him if he was only saying that because of how upset I was, but he promised me he wasn’t and he wanted to work things out and start again.

Fast forward to today. He dropped me off at home this morning and I asked him if everything was ok between us to which he said yes. I again asked him if he was only saying that because of how upset I was and he said no.

I wanted to tell him about me staying over at the guys house but it didn’t feel like the right time last night or this morning so I called him after he had got back home from dropping me off.

I told him exactly what happened between us and that if I’d have thought there was even a slight chance we could’ve worked things out it wouldn’t have happened. I told him that I thought we were completely over and that I was so sorry. There was more to this conversation but that’s the gist of it. He ended up telling me that he doesn’t trust me anymore and that he doesn’t think he can be with me again as people have taken his trust for granted in the past. He told me that now whenever we have an argument that all he’d be able to think about is me seeing someone else and how I couldn’t even wait a day.

I told him over and over that I was so sorry and that it would never have happened if I’d have thought we could have been together again. I told him that I completely understand what he’s feeling and why he’s feeling the way he is and that I would do anything to show him that he can trust me etc. Understandably, he wasn’t having any of this and told me that he’s sorry but he can’t do it. He’s on his way shortly to drop my things off.

I genuinely can’t imagine my life without him and I’m so frustrated that something I did that I didn’t think would matter as I didn’t think he ever wanted to be back together has caused this. I know this situation makes me sound awful but to try and maybe somewhat justify my actions on Sunday night there was no doubt in my mind that me and him were ever going to be together again. If there was I wouldn’t have done it.

So anyway, is there anyway I can regain his trust? I know our relationship sounds a bit messed up from this post but it has never been like this until recently and I want to work things out with him. I have never given him a reason not to trust me before which he has told me, but I understand that trust is a very fragile thing. There have been multiple times in the past where he has broken my trust and I have forgiven him, despite it being hard.

I’ve told him that:
- i will give him as much time as he needs
-whenever he’s ready to speak I will speak to him
- even if we aren’t together I will try and show him that he can trust me
- I will do whatever he needs me to do
- i will respect whatever decision he makes but I want him to know that I will wait however long he needs if it means we can work things out

Thanks for any help.

TLDR: I stayed over at a guys house I used to see whilst me and my boyfriend were broken up. Nothing happened we just spoke. Me and my boyfriend got back together shortly after and I told him this and now he has told me he doesn’t trust me and can’t be with me. Is there any way I can fix this.