I'll start off by saying that I don't really care too much for labels pertaining to sexuality, gender, whatever. I think in many ways labels reinforce stereotypes and are actually bad for us to put so much stock in as a society . . . but I understand why we do it.
That being said, I've been experiencing a lot of confusion about my own gender identity recently [in the past month], and it's forced me to think a lot about what gender is to me and a lot of the questions I ask myself I cannot answer.
I am biologically a male, about half a decade ago I went through a similar period where I started wishing I was a girl instead, but I ignored all of it and writ it off as a ridiculous idea, something that was reinforced by most of my close friends at the time being homophobes and transphobes, some of whom I'm still friends with as I find it incredibly hard to cut ties with them.
Recently I've started to feel the same way again. And it comes from so many places I can't really pinpoint where this all comes from or what I need to do. Part of me thinks being a man is intrinsically bad. Over time I've become increasingly dissatisfied with my appearance, I'm naturally pretty stocky and brutish - I wish I were more delicate, softer, I guess, in appearance - more in line with traditionally feminine appearances. Sometimes I still feel like a man. Sometimes I want to be both, but I do think I generally lean towards femineity.
My general belief has always been that even if I present as feminine, I will still always be a man and the thing is that doesn't entirely disappoint me. Maybe what I really want is just the freedom to express myself outside of what gender roles expect me to be.|
But I also still feel like it's not entirely truthful to refer to myself as a man. I disavow the idea of gender beyond anything other than anatomy. Why is it so goddamn relevant what's between my legs that our society has to be divided in half over it.
As I've said, I am still comfortable presenting masculinely a lot of the time. But a lot of the other time a long not to, which has led to me trying to do what I can to affirm myself when I can - I am unfortunately in a position where I don't feel comfortable revealing this part of me too almost everyone in my life. In private I'll paint my nails or dress in more colorful clothes and just exist like that, it makes me feel nice about myself, to feel pretty.
I know that sounds silly.
I suppose what I'm looking to get from posting this is just any advice from likeminded people who've thought similar things in the past and got through it, because right now I don't know how to move forward and I'm still unhappy.
Also, I apologize if this is not the right subreddit for this post.
Dziękuje; Thank you for reading.