I sometimes think to myself that I (31 male) live this kind of aroace, aplatonic, alexithymic (anattractional) lifestyle because I don’t have to learn about romance, sex, or friendship in this lifetime. In a way, it’s like the energy that could’ve been devoted to these things would be redirected to other pursuits. Although I’m looking at others in real life and fiction live romantic, sexual, and platonic lifestyles, I don’t feel left out. I am just not part of it. Although it seems like there is 6ft glass distance between myself and others, it doesn’t feel like that at all. It’s actually nothing. No pull. No attraction. No glass. When pushed, I instinctively defend myself and/or express aversion.
There have been times where I’ve forced myself out of pure willpower/conditioning myself to try to be platonic, romantic, or sexual, but alas, knowingly even beforehand, it won’t succeed; it was never genuine to what this body and mind are aligned to. I’m always met with this strong feeling of aversion/resistance within, always trying to force myself through, through that do not enter feeling/sensation that comes up.
Surrendering to the path of least resistance, where no inner resistance is felt, leads me back to square zero. I still feel a bit of resistance, as if my ego wants to be part of something it just isn’t meant to be, but I’m catching myself more often now and not forcing myself to be who I’m not. It’s a lot more comfortable now than before; a peaceful place.
Peace is a place where nothing happens. To some others, they describe peace as extreme happiness. To some others, experiencing the full emotional spectrum is the point of life. These are the same people that call me boring. I do not mix well with these people unless I try to match/reflect their energy.
How does my peaceful survive or thrive in a world where extreme happiness is dominant? Well, I’ve forced myself to get my bachelors after deliberating and assessing my aptitudes…. And have just gone with the flow for the most part. Somehow, I’m still floating.
Perhaps in a past life, I truly wished for a life without anything pulling me or attracting me in any way; wished for a life of total peace. Somehow I derailed myself a bit by force, but I think I’m on the right track now.
In a way, perhaps I’m supposed to experience what it is like without attraction… and just neutrally experiencing other people expressing themselves, expressing their attraction.