Sad mother's day.
I (F35) am really struggling today and I need outside perspective about my partner (M42). This relationship is still new. Almost a year.
My partner is supposed to be my safe person. He is also supposed to be my Dom, For me, that dynamic is not about being controlled in a cruel way. It is about feeling safe, guided, protected, and grounded when I am overwhelmed.
I have already been in a narcissistic relationship before, and my current partner has helped me heal in a lot of ways. He can be very loving, supportive, gentle, and protective. There are times when he sees me overwhelmed and helps me calm down in exactly the way I need.
But sometimes our arguments get really bad, and I am scared of the pattern.
Today was Mother’s Day. I was getting ready for church and doing my hair. I was taking too long. He came in and asked if we were going to church, but he looked frustrated and was glaring at me. I said I needed 15 more minutes, even though it had already been longer than I planned.
I immediately shut down. He reached for me, and I pulled away because I was overwhelmed. That made him angry. Then we started fighting.
I told him he could not see how he had just started the conflict with his tone and body language. He said I started it. I broke down crying while he raised his voice at me. I was sitting on the bed and he was standing over me, going on and on about how we were going to be late for church.
Then he started saying things about leaving. He said things like good luck taking my son to school alone, have fun taking care of my child alone, and have fun driving myself to work alone. He kept saying I was doing this and that I was pushing him away.
I ended up feeling like everything was my fault. I cried and told him I would obey better, which I know probably sounds terrible, but in that moment I felt like I had failed him as his submissive and as his partner.
He also brought up my exes again and reminded me that he is not them. But the problem is that some of the way he acts during fights is starting to scare me because it reminds me of old wounds. Not because he is exactly like them, but because my body reacts like I am back there again.
A common pattern is this:
We fight.
He gets upset.
He threatens to leave or pack his things.
Then he asks me if I want him to leave.
If I do not answer, he takes it as a yes.
Later, when we calm down, he says he was just upset and that he would never actually leave me.
I do believe he loves me. I do believe he has helped me heal. But I am hurting badly right now. I feel like he is supposed to be my partner and my Dom, but in these moments I feel emotionally cornered instead of protected.
I know I shut down. I know I can pull away. I know I am not perfect in arguments. I also know that when leaving gets brought up during conflict, I become even more overwhelmed and afraid, and then the argument gets harder to repair.
I want to handle this in a healthier way, but I do not know what a reasonable boundary sounds like in the moment.
For people who have dealt with repeated threats of leaving during fights, how did you communicate that boundary clearly? What wording helped you separate a real request for space from a threat to end the relationship? What steps helped rebuild emotional safety after this kind of pattern?