I have had 4 miscarriages
I’ve had four miscarriages, one of which required a D&C, and I hate admitting this, but whenever I see someone who is pregnant or holding a newborn, I feel this overwhelming mix of jealousy, anger, and sadness. Sometimes it hurts so badly that I can physically feel it.
I’m still young, and what makes it even harder is that there doesn’t seem to be a medical reason why this keeps happening. I’ve been to fertility clinics and specialists, and they’ve all told me that I have great fertility. But somehow, I keep getting stuck in the same heartbreaking cycle: I get pregnant, I get my hopes up, and then I lose the baby.
It hurts more than I know how to explain. And on top of grieving the babies I’ve lost, I feel guilty for being jealous of other mothers. I don’t want to feel this way, and I don’t wish anything bad on anyone. I’m genuinely happy for people who get to have their babies. But seeing them sometimes reminds me of everything I’ve lost and everything I desperately want.
I feel like I’m carrying so much grief, jealousy, anger, and guilt all at once, and I don’t know how to make it hurt less.