I have no idea how I’m going to survive the holidays and family gatherings
I’m in bed all day from depression
Not eating
Can’t put myself together
The tiniest thing I need to do is severely mentally taxing
I cancelled my trip to see my family this week because I’m feeling so low
I don’t know how to get out of this funk
Hi again, everyone.
I honestly don’t know how many times I’ve posted in this community anymore. I really, really hoped that my next post would be a happy update, but here I am, currently going through my fourth miscarriage in a year.
I thought I did everything right this time.
I did the acupuncture. I took doxycycline for suspected endometritis. I went on prednisone, vaginal progesterone, aspirin, and even tried the whole Claritin/Pepcid protocol. I changed my supplements, my routine, and practically everything I could think of.
And yet, here we are again.
On the bright side (because apparently I’m now someone who looks for silver linings in beta hCG numbers), this pregnancy actually progressed further than my last two.
My first miscarriage reached a beta of around 200. The next two never even made it past 70, with my most recent one before this peaking at just 17.
This time, we made it to 120.
I know that probably sounds ridiculous to celebrate, but when you’ve experienced recurrent early losses, even the smallest improvement feels like something.
My fertility specialist is actually quite optimistic. She believes we may just need to find a different protocol. I’m also seeing a rheumatologist soon to discuss whether there is an immunological component and whether medications such as hydroxychloroquine might be appropriate.
I’m 27. I’ve had four miscarriages in one year. My investigations have largely been normal, apart from a positive KIR/HLA-C-related test. At this point, we’re exploring the possibility that there may be an immune-related component to my recurrent losses.
I’ve also been recommended IVF, but I don’t think we’re quite there yet. Mentally or financially.
My husband and I are both doctors currently in specialty training, and contrary to popular belief, being doctors doesn’t automatically mean we’re swimming in money, especially during residency. 😂
If we do pursue IVF, I want to make sure we’re going somewhere with genuine experience in recurrent pregnancy loss, not just difficulty conceiving. Because getting pregnant doesn’t seem to be our main issue. Staying pregnant is.
Also, a random side note: I recently came across a discussion suggesting that the Claritin/Pepcid protocol might not be as harmless or beneficial as people online make it sound. So that’s another rabbit hole I’m currently exploring.
Anyway, I digress.
I actually wanted to share something more personal, because I think my fear of infertility started long before I ever tried to have a baby.
I grew up in a Middle Eastern family, where having four, five, six, or even seven children isn’t particularly unusual.
My mother only had two. Me and my older sister.
And I say “only” because, in our culture, people sometimes make you feel like two children is practically nothing.
Growing up, I desperately wanted a younger sibling. I remember asking my mother for one, not knowing what she was going through behind the scenes.
It was only when I got older that she started telling me about the fertility appointments, the IUIs, the disappointment, and all the heartbreak she experienced trying to conceive again.
And there I was, a little girl asking her why she couldn’t just give me a baby brother or sister.
Looking back now, my heart breaks for her.
As I got older, her experience became one of my biggest fears.
What if I struggled too?
But I reassured myself. Just because my mother struggled didn’t mean I would, right?
Then my older sister got married.
And she struggled too.
She experienced two pregnancy losses. One of her pregnancies was actually a heterotopic pregnancy, meaning she had both an intrauterine pregnancy and an ectopic pregnancy at the same time.
She initially miscarried the intrauterine pregnancy, but weeks later, they discovered that she was still pregnant. Except the remaining pregnancy was ectopic.
She had to undergo methotrexate treatment, and thankfully, her tube didn’t rupture.
I watched her go through all of that, and my fear just grew.
Then came my turn.
I got married, and when we started trying, I got pregnant in our very first month.
Amazing, right?
Except I miscarried.
My biggest fear had officially come true. Congratulations to me. 🥲
Everyone reassured me that miscarriages are common, that I was young, and that I would probably get pregnant again quickly.
And I did!
The very next month.
And then I miscarried again.
Well, fuck.
I was told to take a break, and after that, I didn’t conceive for seven months.
Then I finally got pregnant again.
Miscarried.
Three months later, I got pregnant for the fourth time.
And now I’m miscarrying again.
At this point, I genuinely don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or start charging my uterus rent for all the emotional damage it’s causing me.
I think one of the hardest parts of this entire journey is coming to terms with the fact that I have absolutely no control over it.
I’ve spent my whole life working hard, studying, planning, and believing that if I put enough effort into something, I could achieve it.
And for the most part, that has been true.
But this?
This is the one thing I cannot study harder for. I cannot work more hours for it. I cannot force a better outcome simply because I want it badly enough.
I’m Muslim, and I wholeheartedly believe that everything happens by God’s will.
When He wills for me to become pregnant, I become pregnant. And when I miscarry, I believe that too is within His decree. I genuinely believe that when my time comes, it will happen. But believing that doesn’t make the waiting any less painful.
It doesn’t stop me from wondering why it hasn’t happened yet. Or why I keep getting so close, only to have it taken away. Sometimes I struggle to feel grateful, and then I feel guilty for struggling. It’s such a strange place to be emotionally. To have faith, to believe that things happen for a reason, and still feel completely heartbroken and helpless. And I think that’s what I’m struggling with the most. The loss of control.
Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough.
I just want to say that I love and hate this community so much. I love the kindness, the support, the women who genuinely understand what this feels like without me having to explain it.
But I hate that any of us have to be here in the first place.
I really thought I was graduating this time.
I thought I’d finally get to write one of those hopeful posts telling everyone that after multiple losses, it finally worked out.
Instead, I guess you’re all stuck with me for a little longer. ❤️
But I promise you, if and when I finally get my rainbow baby, I’m coming straight back here.
Not just to celebrate, but to share every single thing about my journey, what we tried, what worked, what didn’t, and everything I learned along the way.
Because if my experience can help even one woman feel a little less alone, I would want that.
And to anyone reading this who has been through three, four, five, or even more miscarriages and eventually had their baby, please share your story.
I think I could really use a little hope right now.
Sending love to all of you. I hope we all get to graduate from this community someday. ❤️
Sorry it just blows my mind that women take a test, get a positive, and dont feel impending doom the entire pregnancy and just get to hold a baby at the end. I’ve never even heard a heartbeat before. I just lose them at 6 weeks and ask myself if they were even real at all
I’ve had 5 losses to date (3 MMC all between 6-7 weeks and 2 chemical pregnancies). Four of these have been natural pregnancies and the most recent loss was IVF as we opted for PGT-A.
I’ve done all the testing for RPL and everything has came back normal (karotype, thyroid, HSG, etc,) and was on a pretty robust protocol for my FET including doxycycline, Lovenox and Methylprednisolone.
I don’t know what could be contributing to these losses but deep down I suspect silent endo. My RE has recommended a lap as a next step. I feel like this has to be my answer as it’s currently unexplained infertility.
For those of you who didn’t have trouble getting pregnant but have had repeat losses, was it silent endo or did you get diagnosed with something else?
Searching for answers or success stories as I’m in limbo waiting to fully recover from my third D&C.
I've had 3 losses and my friend has just told me she's pregnant.
She told me over text and no-one else currently knows, which I so appreciate (she knows of my losses which I think helps).
I'm struggling with my feelings - I feel so sad, so jealous that she's further along than I ever got and that it's just so unfair that things are going well for her and yet for me, 3 times it's ended in a loss. While also balancing the fact that I am happy for her, though that feeling is definitely minimal atm while I struggle with how I feel.
Any advice on coping with this, is it just I have to let myself feel these feelings? We're about to start testing both on the NHS and privately so I'm trying to stay positive but urgh I just feel so sad