Reoccuring MC
I have had 4 mc in the 5 years i had been trying to get pregnant. I've been put on clomid then letrozole and then letrozole with progesterone suppositories and of course all the tests and hubbys tests just to be told there is no reason we cant have a healthy pregnancy and just needed alittle help to keep trying. I tracked my cycle on 3 different apps. It always ended in the same thing. Mc at either 5 or 6 weeks always started with should and elbo pain cramps followed with bleeded and ALWAYS on the weekend when the dr. Office was closed. I finally gave up about 4 months ago. Stopped letrozole stopped everything and accepted it just wasnt in the cards for us. Accepting it felt easier then the reoccurring pain of the losses and constant blaming myself that my body just wasnt doing what it should. I just couldnt do it anymore. Not to mention it was getting expensive hense why we never reached for ivf or anything like that, that the doctors kept telling me was the next step. I also did all the teas prenatals and acupuncture.
Well.. Monday I felt off while I was at work and was due for my period on tue. But because I felt weird and had one last pregnancy test left from my tracking prior I decided to use it.. not actually thinking it would be positive. I stood in my work bathroom looking at myself in the mirror thinking "here we go again" here I go getting my hopes up knowing i would be crying at the end of this. Obsessively searching online, noting down every cramp ache and symptom I have, testing over an over to see progression lines. Its almost like I cant control myself. This is what i hated because it lead to such great disappointment. Here I am 5 weeks pregnant (according to my app) today scared.. scared to go to the doctors to hear everything is going well to go home and have sudden cramps followed by bleeding or to even hear you have blood in your urine to lose it a week later or to hear im sorry the pregnancy is not viable but it is small enough to pass naturally go home let me know if passed call me if there are any complications and we will se eyou in a week for a follow up and hcg tests to make sure its out of your ssystem.
Im scared. But fighting myself cause im excited, cause what if this one sticks, but scared to be excited so I keep telling me self to reject the happiness cause it wont last. I havent told my hubby cause I want to save him from the same pain... I know many will tell me the support is good but honestly watching him be excited then change over to the dissapointed eyes, pity, and trying to comfort me while he also is trying to come to terms that he is also sad.. it is just less hard for me to not. I just dont want to tell him again. I dont want to say it out loud again. I just cant.
I told myself if I make it to 7 weeks no bleeding no problems I will make an appointment being there is nothing that can be done this early anyways other than monitor or so ive been told by my doctor. But every morning I wake up im obsessing over everything. My tempature, my progression lines, my hormones, my symptoms, literally EVERYTHING! I dont know how to stop myself! I try to keep busy but at some point through out the day I find myself overthinking and obsessing.. I even go back to look at my progression lines to make sure its right, constantly comparing to my old notes and other peoples stories on here knowing damn well everyones experiences are different.
Am i just going freaking nuts? I have dull pains once and a while in my foot thigh sometimes in my inner arm and lower back and it is quite literally driving me crazy! Im afraid to freaking move!! Someone please tell me im not the only one cause right now im feeling like im alone in feeling this obsessive. I know its not healthy I know the stress is not good but I literally cant turn off my brain! I cant put my guard down just to enjoy the pregnancy and have positive thoughts. Everything leads back to me thinking im going to lose this baby.
Update-
So being 4rth of July weekend i could not get into a doctor's but I did notice my progression lines had gotten lighter. had no cramps no aches no bleeding with nipple sensitivity but simply just didnt feel pregnant if that even makes sense. now being sunday my progression lines is barely noticeable. I had been tracking my pdg and e1g with proov. And all though my pdg is where it should be my e1g which should be rising with pdg is well below where it needs to be for a viable pregnancy. it isnt increasing and on some days dipping even lower. At this point im just waiting for the bleeding to begin. But I want to thank you for the kind words. the support is more comforting coming from people who know exactly what im going through and the emotional rollercoaster that comes with it. I did end up telling my hubby and he was very sweet and tried to do his best to make me feel better about the situation. Bottom line is, this may not be in God's plan for us and learning to accept that can be difficult but it is what it is.
thank you again all you truly made this process easier knowing i was not going insane.