Scared to marry him because he did zina
Need genuine advice from fellow sisters to navigate this
Hi everyone, I know this subreddit is for us muslim girlies to navigate our lives as good muslim women and I need advice on the same....would love your insights, do help me, as I'm in alot of pain....I really don't have anyone else to share these thoughts with and they're eating me alive.....
Me 25F, am in talks to get married to my school senior who is 26M
We reconnected last year after 8 years of not being in touch and clicked instantly...
He fought his entire family to marry me (some rigidity on his family's part in marrying someone from a different state, we're in India, he's from Rajasthan, I'm from Delhi)
He went for UMRAH last year and prayed the entire time for Allah to ease our marriage,
He lost his father 4-5 years back due to cancer and has evolved so much ever since
Just the thing that hurts me the most is that he's not a virgin, he lost his virginity w this girl at his university who he dated for 3-4 years....and it was very toxic, she used to hit him cause she had anger issues and got very very disrespectful so he ended things and moved back to our common city to be with his family and handle family business
I've told him this majorly bothers me, cause I've steered clear of all this, all my life....
He told me he's sincerely repented for years, gave sadqa, he cried in his sleep because of this most days and wanted to die every single day, he told me, he doesn't know how he's still alive after living that life in Dubai (place where he went to study)
He's sincerely repented
He's closed that chapter and wanted to get married so told his mother to find him someone, when his mother did bring a girl from their own community, he rejected that rishta (last year) and pursued me instead
He told me to believe him that he loves me and that I'm his first love, he didn't have the courage before me to fight for anyone else like this and that he's felt alive after years of grief and pain.
He remained celibate past almost 5 years
He was honest from the start, but at times I get glimpses of what they'd done and it hurts me alot, I want to get past it cause I value him alot, it still hurts, BOTH CAN COEXIST and I've told him about this. He's ashamed, he hates himself for it and has deeply repented about the same.
How do I move past this, I need a more BALANCED outlook on this cause I get all up in my feelings and feel deeply betrayed and hurt and it sometimes disgusts me that he's been that close to someone that wasn't me. I get jealous and compare myself to a ghost I don't even know, It genuinely hurts, I'm in pain because of it and I cause him pain, but I also want to move past it and not hurt myself anymore, he's a very good man. Any helpful perspectives and reminders will be appreciated, fellow sisters
Jazakallah Khairan
An Update: I spoke to him about this directly today....this is what I got from him.... He's genuinely a changed person standing infront of me today..... He told me he was lost and in deep pain because of watching his father leave him slowly infront of his eyes...and even praying didn't help, he felt life was unfair and went far away from Allah,
his family was going through the same pain so he couldn't open up to them either. He found her to be his emotional support but then she used to hit him, she had anger issues and would abuse him, isolated him from all his friends, he didn't like the time he spent with her and at the end he became numb, she disrespected him too much, gained 50kilos was grateful that his uni ended and that he would never see her again....she even started going to the gym day and night with this other guy while they were in a relationship and he wasn't at the gym with her.
Then, when his father passed away he looked for comfort from her but she just gave him a very formal message, mind you, they were still together but she didn't care anymore or whatever that was...idk..it doesn't sound like a time that someone would reminicise w good thoughts
Then he just was in a very dark phase of his life and once university ended, he came back to his family, and started working on his family business. From what I gathered this went on for about 2 years ish and it was a traumatic experience for him....a very dark phase of his life. He told me, he fears the day of judgement and the time when Allah will replay his sins infront of him...he also took full accountability and apologized to me constantly.
There's no guarantee that a chaste man will be this emotionally open to me, or want the best for me, he told me today, that if this hurts me, i should do what's best for myself and not think about him because he wants me to be at peace. And wants me to be happy, so who do I judge? The boy he was years ago, or the man that he has become and is standing infront of me?
He is a responsible man He is genuine and the fact that he's been so honest about everything makes it much better. What would Allah want me to do, my fellow sisters?
I know I said if the roles were reversed, no man would show me mercy, but honestly I don't care about these men and their hypocritical ways. What would ALLAH want me to do? I'll even do istikhaara, and I'll pray for clarity...I hope I do find some.....
I do have anxiety, and most days I do let it take the best of me, doesn't mean that my pain is any less or I'm being paranoid unnecessarily, I'll work on my issues as well. I'm an eldest daughter, I carry alot of wounds myself that I got from growing up in a desi family....I'll definitely work on my insecurities as well. Thank you all sisters for your valuable insights, May Allah bless you with the best in Duniya and Aakhirat, Aameen 🤲🏻❤️