Brother living with our father and controlling his finances
My brother (61) and I (F57) lost our mother 15 years ago. At that time, my own family was struggling financially (husband who was there half the time because of work and our 2 children (9 and 15). I was and still am working full time. My father was completely independant but did not want to live alone in his paid house. It would have been a great help for us if we did move in with him, but he chose my single brother thinking it would be less noisy. There were talks from my dad that the 400$ that my brother would give him monthly to cover all expenses would go to me. It never happened and my brother quickly stopped paying. My brother has no family of his own. He had a well paying job, retiring funds, and took this as an opportunity to pile so more money. He takes from our mother who was sick with money: she counted every penny, could tell you how much a loaf of bread cost in 1969. (They were not poor at all)
My brother took an early retirement early Covid.
End of Covid, my father was still doing everything in the house: cooking, cleaning, laundry, and paying all expenses. There was a leak in the kitchen and my brother called the cheapest plumber he could find. That plumber convinced him to do major works in the house and without consulting my dad (who was now earing impaired) or me, he said yes. A wall was taking down, floors, the kitchen, all the while, they were still living there. It was hell and my father was not well. My brother threw away a lot of stuff. I called a meeting with him. He can be very agressive every time we talk about money. Anyway, he agreed he would not use my father's money anymore for the works. I believe he used a good chunk of his own money. But the work done was awful. Cheap and awful. And one of the workers stole my dad's checkbook. It was a mess with the bank. The guy cashed in 20 000$. I had to step in, hire some real workers to clean up the mess. I am sure, it was my dad that paid for this.
Today, my brother manages my father's money as if it is his own. Like they are a couple. For example, we had dinner for mother's day and ordered food. My dad paid an amount to cover and when my brother saw that, he withdrew his offer to participate. I ended up paying the largest part for my Mother's day.
Since the works in the house, my father's health deteriorated. He couldn't find his former marks in the house and his memory capacity took a toll.
My brother brings him to medical appointment (that I manage to take). I found places that my dad could go to and meet people, but I can't bring him myself. My brother does not bother. He has a lot of friends, volunteers to help other older people, and spends the rest of his time on the computer. I am sure he cares a lot about our dad. But he seems to just accept the fact that my father is lonely and will die eventually. He might be on the spectrum. I would not be surprised.
How can I approach my brother on the delicate subject of money again? Is it it legal how things are? We both have the procuration to deal my father's affairs, but him living with our dad and having a lot of time, it is quite easy for him. I was thinking planning a monthly meeting to talk about finance...