u/BreakfastBudget8857

I won't go into a lot of details, but basically we were together for 2 and a half years, September 28th is our anniversary but he would never call me his girlfriend in public. I was always his "Friend". To our friends and his family, he was always discerning priesthood in public but when we were behind a closed door he loved me and wanted to be with me and marry me someday, we had 3 baby losses one of which he asked me to abort but I refused unfortunately, I still lost my baby. I don't know if I'll ever send this as a letter, but I just pray none of you ever go through this type of pain and loneliness. I'm pregnant with his child, he knows and the biggest pain? This past Sunday mass at his parish, I saw on YouTube him holding hands with a girl during our father and hugged her during the sign of peace, they were also talking before the mass started.

"I would have laid my life down for you, yet you called me "friend".

We made love, yet you called me "friend".

I would have married you whenever you asked me, yet you called me "friend".

I have and would have borne your children and grown our family, yet you called me "friend".

I wanted to help your dreams grow after watching you grow from dreaming your dreams, yet you called me "friend".

You held my hand when we lost our babies, yet you called me "friend".

You watched me have seizures and took care of me in sickness, yet you called me "friend".

You called me "friend" to our friends and your family. As I smiled through the pain of the word that felt like a knife in my heart, "friend".

We both knew we were more than that. It felt as if every time you said it, you meant it. I was a "friend" holding someone else's place. I was just your "friend" through all the nightmares and love and graces we were given.

I never spoke my sadness because I feared the silent frustration you had shown before. I feared the "you know it's not like that" speech.

All I wanted was to be seen and actually shown off as your girlfriend, not hidden as a secret to the ones closest to you and us. The pain I felt, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I remember you crying over Leah's names for her babies because Jacob didn't love her, he didn't seem to care, I wanted to cry because I knew how she felt.. I cry as I recall us losing our children I relate to their babies names.

Reuben: feeling like I was not enough to be called yours in public after losing our first baby, Simeon: feeling like you were there because you felt guilt for what had happened to us and our babies, our son Luke felt like Levi: I wanted so much to be your wife and to marry you, as much as I love you, with this child, if it is a boy, his name is David, if it is a girl, her name is Ruth, regardless, this baby will be my Judah: even in my pain and grief because of my love for you, this time I will praise The Lord.

There's nothing worse than loving and going through so much with someone so much and they just call you their "friend"."

Firstly, my ex and I were exs before this happened. My ex and I are close, very close. We were speaking about marriage a few weeks ago and a few days ago. He moved away for work in December and everything was fine until March. The issue? I was seeing someone for 5 months since March. But I was using the guy, he literally meant nothing to me it was only lust. I was lonely and have been struggling with how to deal with it. I did have sex with this guy (protected). I told my priest and he said because my ex wasn't my bf or husband (because we didn't have a label) that I didn't have to tell him about this guy of 5 months. My ex and I were talking and sweet and loving but he never called me his gf. You should also know I've only been Catholic a year, my ex is cradle Catholic. Back to the story, yesterday I got a call and he said if I told him the entire truth all of the truth we would fix things and he would forgive me. It's been 24 hours after I've constantly been try to reach out, no answers and not text backs. He read some of my WhatsApp messages but ignored me. I spoke to a priest today and asked if my ex and I should call it quits or we should try to fix it. He said we should try to fix it since marriage was mentioned (this priest has seen my ex and I and knows us as a couple and as friends after our breakup, he supports us) and that I was showing true repentance by not just crying and feeling guilty (as I should) but because I also gave my ex all my passwords and emails to check all my things on all socials, I called and cut the guy off who I was talking to completely, I told him we were never speaking again (I was already not talking to him for nearly a month at this point.) but I understand my ex needs time to grieve and be angry. I'm just so confused how we didn't have a label but he really thought about marriage and a life with me and I never knew he was really and honestly thinking about it but I can see my ex as my husband, I love him completely and would do anything to reconcile with him. I felt like I should of told him but the priest told me I didn't have to. I thought as a Catholic I had to do what a priest says? Can someone give me any advice and better pointers on how to be a better Catholic and how I can fix things?