It happened to me again (29M)
I’m so sorry; I know this is a long read but please, I just want some of you to read it and give me some advice; I feel so lost. I feel like I’ve lost the one. Genuinely, the one!
I’m (29M) (Europe based) back here on this sub, after 2 years. I’ve been dumped 2-3 times now in the past 6-7 years. The first one I don’t really count as a full heartbreak anymore, since that person wouldn’t be of my interest anymore as she was seeking out open relationships and still is in one right now. The other one happened because at that time I wasn’t very sure about whether I wanted to have kids and get married, which the other person was looking for rather fast. Relationship only lasted a year. I crashed hard and had my first real heartbreak back then. I managed to struggle through and I’ve grown a lot since those breakups. Doing self-development work, travelling and doing more activities alone, doing some meditation, grow a genuine love for life. A year after that breakup I met my now ex. I must add that I’ve got some attachment issues; I tend to have anxious but mostly commitment issues. The more love I feel, the more my brain tries to withdraw. I’ve learnt that now. It’s a coping mechanism I got because of issues in my childhood with divorcing parents and a lot of fights in the family when I was a child. I cut myself off to not feel the pain/the abandonment of love. That’s where my commitment issues come from. I understand now (after reading books and listening to podcasts), that that’s a defense mechanism that helped me when I was a child, but is doing the contrary now as an adult and I need to get rid of it. Again, the more love I feel, the more I want to get away from it. That’s why this is hurting so bad, I could’ve saved it if I didn’t get in on those feelings.
When we went on our first date, she told me she was going to do a sabbatical year. She was going half a year on a solo-trip in Asia and doing 1,5 months to 2 other countries, all in that 1 year time. I didn’t have a job at that time and could spend more time than usual with her and sometimes travel with her and even visited her in one of those 2 countries.
From the start I’ve supported her in going on this adventure. Knowing myself how important those experiences and adventures can be. I never asked to her to reconsider, seeing we only just met and she had already arranged with her job that it was ok to do that.
Fast forward some months after summer (after we did an amazing trip together also), beginning september we had talked about whether it was smart to start a relationship in that situation. She said she had tried long-distance with another guy from another European country before and that it was very hard, and that’s why it ended. Let’s call this guy Fred. That summer she texts me one day that she doesn’t feel like seeing me one day and then after that she saw that guy and wanted to let me know she was going to see him, because they hadn’t caught up since they broke off their relationship.
Anyway she says then (beginning of Septmber) that it doesn’t look like a good idea to start a relationship, so it kind of ends; which I understood but wasn’t entirely what I wanted also. Only about 4 days later I go to the same party as her and obviously we party a bit together and after some drinks she tells me she actually likes me quite well and hence after that we continue the relationship. I travel to her to 1 of the countries she’s in in October. Amazing trip again. On the flight back she asks how we are doing between us, what kind of relationship we are going to, that if it gets serious and meeting the parents, we have to be serious. With my commitment issues I doubt a bit but obviously I want to meet her parents and continue with her. I just lack a bit of communication because of fake doubts. We continue and we meet each other parents and go for another trip with her friends during December 2024. Again, a lovely trip. End of January 2025 she leaves for her 6 month trip in Asia. It’s difficult for us and she cries at the airport.
I notice how difficult it is to have a long distance relationship. I’m also starting a more time-consuming job in February, and I don’t have a lot of money to join her on her trip, eventhough she would’ve liked that. I had also already planned some time to go to Japan that year in October with 3 friends.
She sends me a short letter with some pictures of us on it. I reply that it’s super sweet and cute of her. I don’t usually do those things so I don’t do that back to her, man do I regret all of that stupid stuff :( It’s a bit difficult with the hours difference and I’m not the biggest caller, but we do call often enough. At some point I break down about the long distance relationship and tell her it might be best to take a break, that it may also be good for her to enjoy her solo trip there more.
Fast forward to when she comes back in June (she comes back a bit later which I didn’t know at first; otherwise she was welcome to the marriage of a friend of mine, but she made other last-minute plans). Some days before she comes back she texts me she travelled with a dude for some time in the ending, but there were no feelings, but I just had to read it as they probably were a bit intimate. I was never mad at her for that, seeing that I had initiated the break. I have never been mad about that to her. Not even a bit. I pick her up from the airport and everything seems so cool between us again, like we were just together yesterday. She’s so funny again and it’s so nice. At home (she’s at my place but we still live apart obviously), she breaks down a bit; that she feels as if she betrayed me. I tell her again that’s not at all the case and I’m not mad at all. I tell her I feel sorry for making her feel those feelings, and I shouldn’t have initiated that break. Some more days and she tells me she feels a bit weird after travelling for so long, and she needs some time and distance. It hurts me a bit and I’m a bit confused since we have such cool times again, but I try to respect her distance. I just feel some abandonment issues coming up. Anyway, we do another cool trip that summer and it gets a bit better. She also told me that later on, that it got better.
That summer again she saw Fred like 1 or 2 times and she told me. She told me she bumped into him randomly and that he had moved here; but she told me she had also told him about us.
Anyway we have a pretty good summer again, eventhough she cancelled 1 weekend with my friends after which I cancelled 1 weekend with her friends in December.
She does her last trip in September and I’m going for a month trip to Japan in october. After that, the travelling is done for both of us and it could get back to normal. We are still together and do a weekend with my fam and spend Christmas with eachother’s families. I crash a bit in January and tell her about my fear of attachment again and there’s a little break. It gets better after some days and we plan a citytrip in February, which is in the weekend of her birthday.. I surprise her for Valentine’s with some gifts and cooked something for her brunch with her friends.
We have some more talks about our relationship, and we have some good deep conversations which were delayed for too long, and it seems like we are on the verge of ending it both (on good terms); but then it starts to shift to me seeing how much I love her; and she starts to say things that she’s also getting doubts sometime. That’s the complete shift. Some days later I tell her I really like her and want to continue with her, but she tells me she doesn’t think she’s in love anymore, and then right after she tells me she cheated on me. I only learn after 2 weeks (I had to escape for some time to do some thinking) that she cheated on me with Fred.
We have a final chat after that, but I couldn’t fix it :( I feel devastated. It’s been since beginning of March, so 2 months now. I know it’s early but I’ll never be able to get on our level again with anyone. She was amazing and I blame myself so much for ever having doubted her. I hate myself for it. She was everything, everything I ever wanted from a person and in a relationship. I had superficial stupid fucking doubts. Stupid doubts because I loved her so much. I’ve been doing therapy for 2 years now (got a good one finally) so yes, I do therapy and I talked about it a lot. She tells me I shouldn’t blame myself for the fear of attachment issues, that I did communicate that to her; and if I wouldn’t have done that that it would’ve maybe ended way earlier. I get that and I believe that, but still those issues made me lose my person.
She was amazing. She was always funny, she has a lot of humour, as do I; and we were basically laughing 70% of the time. We almost never had fights, mainly because I sometimes don’t communicate my thoughts enough, but also because I’m just an easygoing person who isn’t irritated by my partner easily.
She would laugh with anything that she sees at home or in the streets. She taught me so much about nature and she’s super creative and handy. She’s sweet and cute. I miss her so much, her body, her laugh. She’s the cutest, funniest, most creative, most interesting. She cooks so well.
God what have I done. I’ve never seen anyone like her, everyone is so superficial end she is just always laughing, I’ve never seen anyone like that before! I’m scared, I’ll be alone for a very long time. There’s also not so much wrong with me, I can only work on my fear of attachment issues, but you can basically only work on that in a relationship, and I won’t find anyone like her for a few good years. I’ve had it. I’m 29 going in 30 and I was so close to buying a home finally with her, somewhere in nature with plants, trees, animals, space for ourselves and all our time and hobbies we needed. The sex was great, I miss her body. I miss sleeping with her.
We loved travelling together, just being on the road and sleeping in wild nature; going into villages and meeting random people, cooking well and healthy. I’ll never have this life again with such an amazing person.
I’m so scared, I’m wondering if I’ll ever find someone like her again. I know the full answer to this is: you won’t find that person again, but you’ll find someone else/different (and someone better). That’s the full answer to that question right?
Do you also sometimes wonder that we don’t hear a lot of those “I found someone better” stories on this sub, because when someone is out of the heartbreak or they found someone else, they aren’t on this sub anymore? Is that why when we are posting a lot of us are commenting “Im in this situation too”, without getting the good stories?
I just wish so much I could say or do anything for her that would fix it, but I can’t. I told her that and she’s not contacting me so..
I’ve sent her mother a text a month ago and she also told me she doesn’t really know why it ended, and that she’s been acting more strange than otherwise, but that when she makes a decision she almost never comes back to it. Oh strong you :(
I also texted a good friend of her recently (I know, I won’t do this stuff anymore as it reopens the wound, at least I can stay off texting her or following her socials); and she says it’s (like I told her) probably a combination of the fear of attachment and that I met her in a period where she was a bit confused in life, like looking for something, on the search.
God, please help me. I’ve been doing so much work, I’m tired. I can’t do this again. She was my everything. I will be alone for a long time. I miss her so much. I connected so well with her and she also told me that, that she always felt safe and warm with me, and she never felt that with anyone else before. With all our humour etc; how can you go away from that? I wish she'd come back.