I hate my life and don’t know what to do.
I am 15. I have (Diagnosed) depression, ADHD, OCD, and Autism. This year has been horrible. Every little thing in my life goes wrong, every minor inconvenience that could happen, happens. My cat died near the beginning of the year. I feel disgusting even typing this. But for months now I haven’t been able to stop masturbating. I have to do it three or over times plus every morning and night. Otherwise I can’t focus for crap. My mind drifts and I’m afraid my family can see my thing in my pants. I barely go outside. I have no friends in real life. I had to drop out of school because I was getting bullied. I told someone I was taking pills to eat more. (I was very skinny, now fat) and phrased it as “eating pills”. Everyday it escalated till a fight. The school did nothing, the even sat me closer to him for months. On the last day of school, my guidance counselor told me. I wouldn’t have to do homework. (I have trouble with it). But on the day I was sat in a classroom with three other kids, to do missing assignments. I was trying so hard not to cry. I asked the teacher if I could use the bathroom. And left the school. Walked for an hour before I found my home. (Sixth grade). Fight was is seventh place. I’ve been online schooled since. I’d have panic attacks a lot. And there was another person there who I was supposed to go to if the guidance counselor wasn’t available. But when they saw me crying, asking if I could talk to my mom. It was like they snapped. Saying “you aren’t manipulating me”. I just wanted my mom. I was alone in this room with her, I just wanted to be home. I don’t have a dad, he wants ti be apart of my life, but he is like a rabbit. I have numerous half sisters he abandoned, including a girl with Down syndrome. away from this hell. Couple years after that, I’m stupid. I barely know anything above sixth grade level. I’m technically high school level now but I never did my work. Then my cat died. I hate myself. Everyday he wanted to cuddle, and wanted pets. And my mind was constantly plagued with lust. I would nudge him away and go to the bathroom for hours. Every day I think about this. He just wanted to be with me. And I chose masturbation. His last months on this world with me. And I barely spent anytime with him. Seeing his eyes gloss over as they euthanized him after his kidney disease treatment didn’t work. It hit me. I am a horrible person. I do everything for my own self interest. I hate myself life. I want to die. Sometimes it feels like there’s some sort of diety or god that thrives on my pain. I just wanted to be normal. I only find escape in video games and even then I’m angry. I have nothing. And what got me to write this was my mom asking me what I wanted for my future. I don’t know. I’m just gonna be a bum in my future. No skills. Nothing. Some idiot who dug his own grave. I don’t know what to do. Everyday my anger gets worse. I can’t control my voice more. I even started slamming my desk. I hate the person I am. I wouldn’t even be friends with me. This honestly just turned into a vent. Because I don’t wanna talk about this with anyone in my family or therapy. In school they said they were close to calling a mental hospital to take me in after one of my panic attacks. I don’t want to say anything in therapy. I hate feeling this way. I hate being this way. My entire life I was horrible. When I was around four I would beat up my cousin whenever I was mad. I stopped and it haunts me all the time. Me and her are very close now but I still think about it. She even took self defense classes when she was younger and I only now started putting the pieces together. My whole life feels like a screwup. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need help but I know what will happen if I say something in real life. I even made a Reddit account for this. I miss my cat. I didn’t give him the love he deserved. I am a horrible person. Like I said everyday I get more and more. Just more. I’m scared one day I’m gonna actually hurt someone instead of my desk. I don’t wanna be this. I wanna be normal. I’m not very religious. But technically I am Muslim. My family is but I don’t know anything about it. Now everyday I find myself barely showering, brushing my teeth. Watching cartoons or playing games. I finished avatar the last airbender in two or three days. I can barely keep track of days anymore. I don’t even know where I can post this. I just think I hate my life. My hands are still shaking typing this. I feel like I’m just typing random crap that’s irrelevant. I can barely sleep on time. I am usually awake all night. Jumping at every sound. What sounds like tapping on my window.