Vulnerability
I find it extremely hard to be vulnerable with people.
Mostly I tend to push people away after a year or we just stop talking because I’m afraid I made them misunderstand me because I say stupid shit.
The most confusing part is that I don’t feel that I have anything in particular to be vulnerable about. I have mental problems, but I’m still going through them so I don’t feel like it’s particularly hard to talk about (depression/s*icidal ideation) and I’ve lived with it for so long it doesn’t feel like a big deal. Plus it’s a very common thing. Otherwise, I have had a very normal upbringing with loving parents.
I don’t understand what could be causing this much of a mental block. For example, I felt nauseous and later v*mited after some friends were telling me about how they met and ended up together. It was a very cute will-they-won’t-they story, but the vulnerability they both showed in their story was very intense.
My reaction to personal friendships aren’t as bad because they aren’t as intense. But it is still very hard. Once I stop talking to someone, it is very hard for me to think of them positively or even want to talk to them. I am a very bad texter as well and often leave people on delivered for days at a time because text makes me anxious.
Anyone else feel this way?