WIBTA to ask my sister to step down as a bridesmaid
TAA
I (F35) have two sisters whom I'll call Sis A (F40) and Sis B (F38). A little background; I was a bridesmaid or co-MOH in all 3 of their weddings, and they were both part of the wedding party for each other as well.
All 3 bachelorette parties ended in some sort of shtshow, from one of them puking and crying in the bathroom, to both of them trying to fist fight each other in front of a bar, to Sis B essentially trying to run me over in the parking lot because she decided to drive home drunk. I, on the other hand, tend to keep a really level head, regardless of how inebriated I get, but I digress.
Aside from all that, my relationship with Sis B has been complicated for a really long time. For background, she was misdiagnosed and then mistreated for mental health issues when she was a teenager, and since then has refused to try seeing a psychiatrist or therapist. She would fly off the handle at the slightest irritation, and if she knew what would hurt me most would throw it in my face. It got worse in her senior year of high school when she essentially started self medicating with alcohol, pot, and possibly something else, though it's not 100% clear.
Eventually, when she was in her mid-late 20s, she settled down a bit and got married. When she was pregnant with my nephew, something about the pregnancy hormones seemed to level her completely out, and we started to really build a good relationship with each other.
When she stopped b-feeding my nephew, her hormones got a bit out of whack again, and we had a huge fight where I finally had it and gave her a taste of her own medicine and told her to go get medicated for her mental health issues. We made up a few days later, and we never had a fight like that again.
After a while, she leveled back out again and started trying really hard because she wanted to be a really good mom. Our relationship got even better after that. Later, I finally got diagnosed with ADHD and depression, take medication for it, and talk openly about it in the hopes of contributing to destigmatizing neurodivergence.
Fast forward to about a year and a half ago. She now has 2 kids, and reconnected with a friend (M39) from high school to start doing music gigs together. I'll call him Axel. Axel is a dumb deadbeat, drinks and does drugs, isn't even a particularly good performer, and is overall bad news and a bad influence. He went to rehab for about 3 days and quit. Unfortunately, Sis B is easily influenced in that direction. It became obvious she started drinking heavily, getting back into drugs of some sort, and cheating on my BIL with Axel, frequently spending nights and/or weekends with Axel.
A few months later, she got a DUI driving on the wrong side of a divided highway. She still won't admit to me or Sis A that she did that, possibly out of denial that she has a problem. We hoped that would be her rock bottom wake up call, but it wasn't.
Since then, she hasn't come to a single family gathering, either claiming to be sick or just ghosting us completely. About 8 months ago, I got engaged to my wonderful fiancé (M40). When I texted the news, she texted how happy she was for me. After that, I didn't see or hear from her for a couple months, pretty much until I went dress shopping, and we face timed her when I found THE dress. She looked rough and somewhat out of it, but she said she was happy for me and complimented the dress and apologized for not being able to be there in person.
Not too much later, I called her to ask her to be one of my bridesmaids, and she sounded so happy and excited to be asked. However, she continued to completely flake in no call no show fashion for the other family gatherings since then.
Leading up to my bridal shower, I texted her how excited I was to see her at the shower, and the night before reiterated my excitement and offered breakfast in the morning. She responded saying she was excited too and offered to help me with makeup in the morning. I said I'd love that and told her what time I would be at the shower location.
Morning of, no show. I texted her, no response. Other people tried to reach her, no response. I had brought my own makeup because I believe in having backup plans. The shower itself was at 10:30am, and it was absolutely lovely despite her noted absence. A couple hours after it concluded I texted her to ask what happened. Initially, no response.
I was on night shift for work that night and had to turn my phone off at 10:30. So, sometime after 10:30pm, she texted that she had woken up with fever and stabbing stomach pains and fell asleep, but would try to get an appt with her doctor the following week or go to urgent care. She hasn't didn't go to a doctor or urgent care, though.
While her excuse is technically plausible, what makes more logical sense to me is that she had a really bad hangover. Sleeping through stabbing stomach pains is a stretch. Not seeking medical attention for stabbing stomach pains of unknown origin doesn't make sense. Having had the rare really bad hangover, I can attest to feeling feverish with stabbing stomach pains for up to about 12 hours and essentially passing out between bouts of nausea, and then being fine. So, what sounds more probable is she was hungover, didn't want to text in case someone would come check on her, and didn't seek medical attention since the chances were good it was self-induced and temporary.
Her words show excitement and commitment to being there, but her actions lately are telling me I can't count on her to actually be there and sober on the wedding day in a few months. She hasn't ordered her dress yet. So, I'm considering asking her to step down as bridesmaid and instead sing and play her guitar for the procession and recession since that's an easier role to have a backup recording of something else ready in case she flakes than bridesmaid. I have to decide soon, though, because I would need to ask someone else to be a bridesmaid.
TL/DR: Bridesmaid sister is struggling with substance abuse, is in denial, and is proving unreliable. WIBTA if I ask her to step down to a more limited role and ask someone else to be a bridesmaid in her stead?