Exhausted by my ex’s lack of empathy postpartum. Is this normal?
Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some perspective because my mind won't stop replaying how I was treated. My child’s father and I are no longer together, but I am still struggling with the emotional aftermath of how unempathetic he was during my pregnancy and after I gave birth.
I had a very traumatic pregnancy. I suffered with severe HG for half of it, then excruciating back and rib pain for the other half. I then had a traumatic delivery and ended up with a severe 3b perineal tear. I was doing about 90% of the days and 100% of the nights, getting out of bed to handle nappy changes while barely able to sit or move. The only "free time" I ever had was just to grab a quick bite to eat or take a shower to keep clean while healing.
He would come over most days, but he wouldn't actually do much to help lift the burden. When our so was about a month old, he would only sleep when held a certain way. I asked his dad to hold him so I could shower and I explained the exact position which he should hold him in. Why did this man catch an attitude and say “I’ll hold him how I want to”. Completely ignoring the fact that our baby would wake and I wouldn’t be able to shower because I’d need to feed him.
He even complained that I was mistreating him because I would ask him to clean up after himself. He would say this isn’t how you should treat the father of your child. As if dads should be exempt from cleaning??? Another thing he would do is insist I take our newborn out to the park, claiming our back garden wasn't "good enough" because the park had trees, completely ignoring the irony that a 1.5hr round trip pushing a heavy stroller along busy roads meant the baby inhaled more car pollution than if I just took him to the garden. This would also put agonizing physical strain on my pelvic floor and stitches and I could barely walk once I got home and would struggle to do basic things like getting up to change our son. He then tried to “compromise” and said I should talk him to a park that was closer. This park is usually where drunk men hang out with their dogs. I had no interest in standing there with my newborn.
He implied that without him our baby wouldnt get fresh air. Making it seem as though I didn’t care about our baby’s health because the garden wasnt good enough.
What’s even funnier is I’ve asked him to take our son to the park a few times since then and he’s responded with things like “I’m not really feeling it”. But it was an issue when a burnt out mum couldn’t do it post partum.
Recently, I declined to get back together with him. After this he demanded that our 6 month old spend one night a week with him. Our baby is EBF, has never had a nap with his dad and would absolutely struggle even if it was just one night. When I declined based on all the reasons I’ve stated he threatened to take me to court. To which I welcomed because no judge is going to grant sleepovers to a dad whos never put his baby to sleep before. He then proceeded to text me very weirdly trying to paint me out to be a bad mother. Saying this like “you can go to the store with your friend but can’t take your son outside”. Bearing in mind my friend drives so it’s not like I’m walking there. After this I genuinely felt guilty and convinced myself that I couldn’t out without my baby as it would make me bad mum.
His behaviour overall is just off. I’ve told him this and he’s made subtle changes but it honestly feels unnatural. I struggle to set boundaries because I fear he’ll take my son away from me somehow. He’s just so unhinged sometimes. Are all men like this? Do they struggle to have empathy for the mother of their children? I just wish he knew how much pain and effort it took to go through my pregnancy and give birth. I’m 7 months post partum but still cannot walk longer than 30 mins without that heavy painful feeling in my hips and legs. All this pain is as constant reminder of the sacrifice I’ve made but I don’t think he sees it at all.