What happened for you to feel like you belonged in the step parent situation?
I am a (35m) been with my (34f) partner for a bit over 2 years. I have no kids, I have pretty much been single my entire adult life. I’ve never had a live in partner, my longest relationship was 2 years long and ended when I was 21. I’ve only ever had to worry about myself and my own needs, so to be honest I am well aware that I am selfish and don’t understand how to give and make concessions very well.
I want my own time/ space, and have only considered what a future with somebody else on my same level would look like.
I knew I didn’t want to date somebody with kids because I didn’t feel mature enough to handle the responsibilities it takes. I’ve never seen myself as a father or someone in control, I like my freedom and though I never go out and see the world I find comfort in the fact that I’m never tied down.
Then I met my partner and despite knowing she had kids and I wasn’t all in on that decision I continued our relationship. I’ve told myself that I love her so much it will just work out and I’ll come around. My partner has 2 boys, 15 and 11. The 15 year old is mostly self efficient and feels like he just needs some guidance here and there. The 11 year old is autistic(I’m not sure how on the spectrum) and he is difficult. He is high functioning but has melt downs over his emotions and how to act, he is constantly acting out, needing attention, screaming, shouting, arguing.
we have not moved in together and I still take advantage of the fact that she has the kids every other week and I can take time to myself while she is giving them attention. I am noticeably absent from her home life, though she hasn’t said it I can tell I just don’t feel the need to be there. I’m about ready to crack, I don’t see the situation I want to be in my life but I see the person I want to be with.
I don’t want to be an absent present in her children’s lives and I have not felt that love, affection, or need to provide for them or that they are my own. I haven’t worked hard at all to make a connection and I’m currently trying to find within myself what that means. I keep coming to the conclusion that this isn’t the situation for me and I’m going to do more harm than good by staying.
I want to try and make the self growth and find out what is holding me back exactly and why, I don’t want the rash mistake of giving up something great because I’m scared of what responsibilities it would include.
So I am curious to those out there who made it work, who were scared and saw their selfish self want to run but were willing to look at themself and say I don’t want to be that selfish person forever, I’m not happy as that person. I understand every situation isn’t for everyone, I don’t want to give up on this without hopefully getting some perspective from others who stayed. Did you have a connection immediately? How long did it take you to feel that you belonged there?
I know nobody can find my answer but me, but it would help to know from experience if what I’m going through is normal.
I know you have to work at these things and I would love the perspective of someone who maybe it wasn’t easy but they saw ways to make it work and were able to connect and put the effort in to create feelings with the kids. Thank you