u/BrokenPieces623

Lately, I feel like I’ve just been in a deep, exhausted depressive state. Everything feels so stressful, difficult, overwhelming, and exhausting. Very little brings me joy lately, and I just don’t feel motivated to do anything that brings me joy. Normally I feel these ways after my pa husband has relapsed or done or said something hurtful to me, but he’s been doing really good actually. He’s even bought me flowers for the first time. And I feel like, the nicer he is, the more exhausted and like, depressed I become. I don’t know. I feel strange. Anyways, today, I forgot my new baby yoda water bottle at a client’s house, I think. I’m so sad about it, I want to cry. So, I ordered myself another one. And now I’m feeling guilty over it because I’m trying to save money.

I’m sorry this post doesn’t make any sense and is all over the place. I just feel like I needed to tell someone about my water because it was one of the only things that made me feel kind of happy through all this. I feel so dumb.

My pa husband told me this morning that he had a dream about having sex with another woman. He seemed to feel bad about it, but I still don’t really even know why he would tell me this…

I feel so sad and down about this.. I know everyone’s going to say that “it’s just a dream, it doesn’t mean anything”. But it still hurts because in real life, he always chooses random women over the internet, and now, even in his sleep he chooses them. I feel so inadequate. I can’t help but keep thinking, maybe if I lost more weight, or wore more makeup, or if sex with me wasn’t so difficult, maybe he would dream of me.

I want to go back to school for accounting. I want to eat better. I want to lose weight. I want to go see the doctor about something I should’ve done a long time ago, but I was too scared. I want to go to the dentist to get my teeth looked after. I want to dye my hair, so it gets rid of the greys and I can feel confident. I want to feel better and look better. I want confidence again.

My husband mom has recently come back into our lives. I know in the very beginning of our relationship, she was this way, but then I told my husband how uncomfortable it made me and how creepy it was, so he confronted her to stop. Now, things are weird again.. I may be overthinking it, but I gives me gross incesty vibes :/ What do you guys think?? And is anyone else’s MIL like this?

She will ALWAYS be calling my husband “sexy” or “hot”. She even brings up how big and nice his butt is.. And she always has to be touching him, like holding his hand or, a couple times, when we’ve been watching a movie on the couch together, she will lay her head on his shoulder.. And she is ALWAYS trying to find ways to bring up things they would do together in the past and then like, fawn over him about it. It just, feels weird to me and almost like she’s trying to compete with me for his affections. It’s so uncomfortable to me. Neither of my parents were EVER like that towards me or my sister, so I just don’t know if I’m overreacting or not..

Ever since the first DDay, and all of the constant relapses and the blaming me for every negative thing in his life, and the emotional abuse, and the manipulation/gaslighting, I feel like I’m slowly beginning to hate him. I see that he’s trying to get through this addiction, but I feel like it’s just too late for me to stop resenting and hating him. I feel like with every day that goes by, every argument we have, every bad day we have, I hate him just a little bit more.

It makes me feel really sad actually. It makes me feel guilty. I don’t want to hate my husband. But I think I do.