Coworker, I don't want this
I just want my brain back. I want to think of anything else. I hate being aware that I'm delusional.
First time posting here. Not my first time in limerence.
My current LO is a coworker. Any relationship would be inappropriate but that doesn't stop my brain from constantly trying to find a way. In the beginning, I was really struggling to keep myself under control when around LO. I was so aware that I was delusional that I did not realize LO was flirting/reciprocating flirting. I thought I was just reading into everything. I'm already so embarrassed by the way I've acted. I think my LO is flattered which makes me feel less creepy and but way more guilty as though I lead him on or something. I want out of this now. It is not healthy. When the obsession isn't as strong, it is clear that I do not want a relationship with this person.
I fell into limerence 2 months ago. My last LE ended about a year ago after lasting for about 7 years. This episode has been especially strong because I'm in a burn out. I can't tolerate the prospect of being limerent for another several years.
A major factor to why I became limerent is social isolation. I want to work on building healthy relationships but I can't connect to anyone at all in this state. I'm super irritable because I have to fight this delusion 24/7 and all I want to do is talk about him. My therapist is the only person I've talked to about this. However, I truly do not believe she understands how consuming and destabilizing this is. It just adds to the isolation. I've been trying to handle myself with self-compassion, as I understand my brain is trying to protect/help me. I've been trying to channel the excess dopamine into getting things done. Yet, I remain loyal to the delusion.
This isn't cute. This isn't some harmless crush. I'm sick. Limerence is a really cruel function of the brain.