I upset my terminally ill father and I don’t know what to do or how to feel. What should I do?
Please don’t be mean. I know I did a bad thing and I am incredibly remorseful. I am just trying to work out the best way forward given my Dad does not have much time. Sorry the post is so long. A lot has happened. This is the shortest I could get it and I’m sure there will be things that need clarification. Here goes, anyway.
Last summer, my Dad (late 70s) was diagnosed with terminal cancer. There is no treatment and parts of his body keep failing so he has been hanging on since then but could go at anytime.
He became very ill in March 25 and was having loads of hospital appointments but didn’t want to tell anyone what was going on at first. I was very worried and was messaging my Mum to try and find out what was happening but she was cagey as well. She did let slip that palliative care nurses were coming to the house so I knew it was bad.
Alongside all the worries with my Dad, my health has been poor for about 5 years following complications with a Covid infection. I am largely housebound and rely a lot on additional help from medics and my OH. My Dad has been helping me with our mortgage since I lost my job (teacher) in 2022. I was worried about whether I would be able to keep my house but couldn’t find the right time to ask about it so I didn’t.
In June, he called me to finally tell me he had cancer. It was what I expected but still hard to hear. He had had a heart to heart with my Mum about how he’d been bottling all his emotions up and wanted to be straight with everyone about his prognosis etc which is not good - max. 12 months to live is what the doctors told him. We chatted a bit about his worries but he’s quite a private man and I tend to get most info from my Mum.
That night I really worried about everything - Dad, the house, where we might live etc. The next morning, on impulse, I called my Dad to ask him what plans I need to make regarding my house etc. I worded it really badly and before I had got past ‘You’ve been helping me with the mortgage…’ he cut me off and hung up.
My Mum then texted me to say that my Dad wants me to ‘Fuck off you selfish bitch.’ She said she had never seen him so angry. I tried to call but he said he didn’t want to speak to me. I drove down (I hour drive) the next day to apologise in person. Over the following week, I wrote him a letter and made some little handmade gifts my way of an apology but he said they were inappropriate. He said he didn’t want me to contact him anymore. My Mum didn’t want me to contact her either.
So, 6 months went by with my Dad very, very unwell and neither of them (my Mum or Dad) wanting any contact, which I respected. I sent a couple of texts after 3 or so months just telling my Dad that I love him, I’m sincerely sorry and I’m thinking of him lots and lots. His replied were short and to the point - that I’d hurt him deeply and he needed time apart from me. I’ve even under psychiatry for suicide and self harm during that time and lost a lot of weight also.
Around Christmas time, another family member died and I had to see my parents at the funeral. Both were distant but not hostile. My sister blanked me. She lives round the corner from my Dad but we don’t get along.
I’ve been trying to build bridges since then but things are still pretty much the same. I text once per week but only occasionally get a reply. My Mum is telling all the relatives that will listen what happened last summer as I’ve had one tell me what is being said. She told one relative that I have never apologised and I am not remorseful which is not true.
I am scared my Dad will die without this being resolved. I am scared of facing my Mum and sister at that time. I don’t want to leave things like this anymore but I don’t know what to do.
Any ideas?