My boyfriend (28M) and I (24F) have had intense conflict for multiple years. How do we break the cycle?
Hi I’m writing to get genuine advice on how to repair my relationship. Things have felt fragile for a while now and I’m really scared of losing him. I really don’t want to hear the classic “just break up” I already hear that enough. I want to be with him for the rest of my life but to day to day we seem to end up in a bad loop.
In the beginning he was incredibly kind, patient, giving, and consistent with me. He really chose me fully. The problem was that I had just gotten out of a very unhealthy, physically abusive relationship and emotionally I don’t think I was fully ready for him. I cared about him deeply but I struggled to fully commit and let go of my past. I think over time that slowly wore him down.
Eventually we moved in together and things became volatile. We had really high highs and really bad fights. Things became emotionally abusive on both sides at times. It eventually escalated to the point where he filed a protective order against me and I filed one against him too. We stopped speaking for around 6 months.
After reconnecting, things felt different. The dynamic had almost reversed. He became unsure about me while I became the one desperately trying to hold onto the relationship. During one period where things felt uncertain and emotionally distant (he consistently would break up with me and tell me he didn’t want to be with me) I kissed another guy at a concert. While this happened my boyfriend was in Greece and apparently realized there that he truly wanted me and wanted to fully choose me. He says he forgives me for the cheating.
Now we’re trying again but everything still feels fragile. Our families and friends largely dislike the relationship because of everything that’s happened. We both seem exhausted and scared of losing each other at the same time.
A few days ago he almost left me and I basically begged him to stay and promised I’d change. I know that’s probably not healthy either.
The thing is I genuinely don’t want anyone else. I don’t fantasize about a different relationship. I just want peace between us. I want us to feel normal and emotionally safe together.
I guess my question is
Can relationships with this much damage actually become healthy again if both people genuinely want it, or are we holding onto something that’s too broken from years of instability and hurt?
And if relationships like this can heal, what does rebuilding actually look like day to day?