tired (tw for dr*g use and s*ici*al thoughts)
idrk know why im posting this. i also just relapsed and accidentally deleted the first draft of this so im not really in the space to talk coherently, but i jus dont understand why the need to go deeper wont leave me the fuck alone. my mental health has been spiraling lately reasons i dont entirely understand. my drug use has noticeably worsened to the point that im smoking almost everyday and almost always thinking abt when i can get high next. this, plus ive been very irritated and my self-hate thoughts have been a major problem. voices telling me im worthless and ugly and a burden to those i love; thoughts ive dealt with for years but have just been worse lately. earlier, i got so angry at my broken phone screen that I slammed it repeatedly against a cup, accidentally breaking the cup. it was a christmas gift from my step-grandma. i feel so fucking bad. i was so upset that i almost immediately started relapsing for the next few minutes, screaming about how much i hate myself and how i deserve to die all the while. but my blade is dull, and i was only really able to make cat scratches. eventually i couldnt take it anymore and i broke down crying. but now im sitting here, thinking: even after all of that, making such a fuss, i still wish i went deeper. I still wish I could make lasting scars again. i dont know why, ive hit deep styro before and nothing changed. but i still feel like i need to go deeper, that im a pussy if i dont, or that only making cat scratches makes me less valid for some reason. idk. ive been able to give up razorblades so that even when i do cut, its at least not as deep. but its almost tempting to go back to them. im safe for the rest of the night at least, but idk. i just feel so alone in this