I feel like i want to give up
I need to vent a bit on this post. Maybe see if others have been through something similar and have some insight, i dont know. I am a 29M who lives with my mum. Before i was on a good trade and i also went to uni for studying engineering. I ended up dropping out and i do not see myself go back.
I dont have a job. I have struggled with a gambling addiction througout my adulthood. This was partly why i dropped out of uni. I am om anti depressants. I have suffered in my past. But i had some good years when i was younger so i know how it feels like to be happy and not struggle with mental health issues. I used to work out a lot, i had lots of friends a gf, hobbies a job etc. i started to gamble after i lost a family member that meant alot to me. I was also in a relationship with a crazy abusive girl who went played with my emotions when i were already in a low state, griefing the death of my family member. This is a couple of years ago now but i have been struggling thorugout my twenties, i experienced a sort of loss of self identity. I stopped feeling like myself, just being numb stopped taking care of myself etc. now i dont have money, live with my mum, dont have a job. Only job that pays ok ish that im qualified for is construction, and i dont see myself working as a construction worker for many years. I always hated it but i just stuck with it since i didnt have else i could think of that would be ok. Then i started studying at uni and ended up dropping out. I feel like my life is ruined and struggle to see any point of living further, due to past traumas (i also had a pretty rough upbringing ),gambling addiction, substance abuse. I consider myself lucky to not have dragged upon me a gambling dept.
however ive also started to think alot about things, like deeper things about the meaning of existence etc. i didnt use to be like this and it drives me crazy sometimes. Like is the purpose of life just to try to make as much money as you can, get a house (this would take me years to accomplish and dicipline that i dont have in terms of being good with saving money, not gamble etc) and hopefully get a GF that dont end up cheating on you or leaving you for something better wich seems far to common nowaways in the dating market, get kids, get a dog , then go on and die? I dont see myself pushing through it. It seems like you would have to pretty much sacrifice your own peace of mind if you want to start a family. I see people around me at my age getting familys kids etc. some of them seem happy and some seem like they are depressed even doh they have what seems like a normal life. I dont consider my life normal atm. The only thing i care about is my dog and i have 1 close friend. I dont feel any emotions towards my family, partly because i were let down my them as a child and pretty much had to raise myself (i had a good relationship with my grandfather who passed away 10 years ago).
I recently scraped together some money and bought a whitewater kayak. And i go to the gym regularly so i have two sort of hobbies and i get welfare now that im unemployed. Its almost as if i try to find peace in being unemployed and broke, seeing how others around me are striving to get ends meet by going to jobs they dont really find meaningful in any way, but just doing it for survival. I used to enjoy going to conserts etc but now i have no interest in doing so. It feels like if i do continue this life a new version of me compared to how i was prior to getting mental health issues will emerge and i will be alot more boring, introverted etc. i used to enjoy talking to girls etc, i even had multiple GFs when i was young (not at the same time, but you could get my clue). I blame my circumstances for my miserable life and people that have done me wrong in the past. Its not easy for me to change that view lets say, or mindset. Even doh ofc i believe to a certain extent we do have some responsibility for our suffering , there are people who have been done terrible things to by others that have gave them a lets say handicap in life (now im taling in general) and ive seen what sort of evil there could be in humans that could seem normal and nice but are acually trash, and enjoy making others lifes miserable. ITS a tradegy. I’ve concluded that the most important thing in life is to live according to your own values , and try to have peace with yourself, your relationships etc. like i would not go to a job that pays good if the environment seems toxic, theres a toxic boss etc. wich i believe is far to common now adays, its almost like you have to have a bit of luck if you want to go trough life doing stuff you find meaningful, have good relationships etc. have a somewhat stable economy , try to steer out of bad habits. Its been a rollercoster for me atleast and i feel numb. The worst part is how fake and selfish people in general seems to be. Using others for their own gain, either explotion people financially, manipulating eachothers. Ive had to learn stuff like this the hard way being a naive young man who used to see the good in people. Now im obly being lets say my true self to a few selected people and kids and animals..others i keep at an arms lenght wich is probably not healthy but perhaps something ive developed to try protect the small peace i have. Idk if this is normal or not