u/Bubble_butt_indie

I’m not really here asking for advice or anything. I cannot really be bothered to see a psychologist for long enough to see what could be wrong with me. I have a short attention span and don’t like people lol. I much rather stay in a routine I’ve built for myself and not add onto it.

Earlier this year I went through something I could only describe as some sort of episode. I don’t do drugs, i get enough sleep, and I’m fairly healthy. I did near that time was alitte sad from a man I was talking to ghosting me, but not nearly as sad as to when my hamster died and this didn’t happen then. It was sudden, I was at work doing my job when o suddenly felt like I was loosing my vision. The saturation of the world went way high, so bright I can barely make out the outlines of people walking passed. I had tunnel vision, similar to the visors on horses to keep them in a straight line or something. Everything was either too slow or moving too fast. I was at the time working at a store, and it was very loud and at the same time very quiet. I felt as I was alone in the store, but I could hear the voices of people nearby me. I was terrified. I felt like I got drugged. I started remembering an article of a person getting jabbed by a needle in a store before by a stranger and thought maybe that happened to me and I was in the process of dying. Then I felt like maybe I had a tumor and I was slowly loosing it. I managed to get back to the room where my manager was in and tried to explain what was going on but I was shaking and it felt like my tongue was swollen in my mouth. I ended up getting sent home. I called my parent to pick me up, but after that the week of that event I have a ton of memory gaps. What I can remember was like seeing a photo that was sun bleached and over saturated. I remember my therapist telling me I needed to see a doctor because she thought something was physically wrong. My doctor told me to see a psychologist because she thought something was mentally wrong(bipolar runs in the family, but I doubt it was mania because I didn’t feel no high before my very very low). I went once, got bored and didn’t like the price and didn’t go again. I remember finally snapping out of it after a week and my friends and coworkers telling me I looked like a drugged out zombie throughout that week. But I can’t even remember going to work. I don’t even remember existing that week. It was like my soul temporarily disappeared and I was nothing more than a meat vessel completing tasks from my daily routine. When I snapped out of it, I became highly aware of my flesh, how I am I animal and not an individual. I still am. It completely changed my look on life. On how I see the purpose of everything. It was like some kind of being was beaming the truth into me no one else really thinks of or wants to think of. On how we are vessels of cells whose whole purpose is to keep those cells alive. On how some day I will feel like that again but it’s not because it’s another episode, it’s because I cease to exist. I like to think maybe during that time I was somewhere else, outside what is logical and makes sense to us as mortal people. And that’s why it was so scary. And why I still don’t understand it. And likely never will. I want to write more but can’t fit it all on here so, has anyone else experienced this?