My (50F) BFF (46F) of 6 years crossed a line and I’m not sure how to completely move on…
About 2 years ago my(50F) BFF (46F) came over to help me with a project. When I say BFF, I mean when I met her, I loved her. She was so fun, funny, a little crass, honest, strong, and we had so much in common. We liked the same music, ate the same weird foods, farted in front of each other (sorry but true!). We could just be ourselves around each other. I’ve never met anyone like her or maybe I have back in eighth grade, which was the last time that I had a best friend. I’ve had a lot of good friends over the years, but no one I would say was my ride or die.
Just a little backstory of our relationship….. we met in a friend group instantly we started hanging out. She was engaged to a guy (49M), and I, very happily married to (43M). When we hung out, we would go to bars, she drank quite a bit, go to other friends houses to play games/drink, craft together, go on (crafting) trips, vacations, etc. A few times her and I went to a strip club (she was once a stripper way before I knew her), and even one time at the club we both drank way too much and I ended up kissing her at the club and we were making out a little bit. (we also left that Club and as we left, she was making out with a younger guy (maybe 25M) that she just met.) She said she would never do that again once she was married. We also kissed maybe a time or two at other events like the bathroom in a bar, and at a friend’s house in the bathroom. It wasn’t a big deal. We are both straight. It was more of a “we both just love each other and think of each other as hot”.
We even both were super drunk one night with our husbands and after we came back from this date night, we were sitting on the couch and we kissed a little bit and I think I licked her breast and the guys were watching. They did end up leaving nothing ever happened. We just all laughed and said wow we were really drunk.
OK so fast-forward two years…(two months after she got married to her fiancé, I was the matron of honor at her wedding. My husband was a groomsmen.)
The day she came to help my husband and I work on this project. We started drinking in the afternoon by evening time she tried to get her then husband (they got married two months before) to come over and he said no thanks. After we were done, we went to the pool. Had a few more drinks and came home. We all went in the hot tub. We were in the hot tub for at least an hour. Yes after drinking at least five or 6 - 8% abv drinks. Even her daughter went to go get us a drink. At one point I felt a little dizzy and I was thinking I should get out of hot tub. I thought to myself I should tell them they should get out too. Maybe knowing in the back of my mind something could happen? Anyway, I did not, and I went upstairs and passed out. At one point probably just 30 minutes later I woke up to my friend saying we should have a threesome and laughing. And then her husband came in the room and said come on let’s go and was very mad. I passed out at that point.
In the morning, I made breakfast burritos. I went to get my friend to bring her back to her car. When we were sitting in the driveway, she got a message from her daughter. There was a video of her kissing my husband. Full on making out. We were both very shocked and she was like no way I do not remember that. I was mad and I didn’t know what to say. I said I need a minute and I went upstairs to wake up my husband who was hung over. I woke him up and was like do you remember doing that, he’s like no. What? I don’t remember that there’s no way I wouldn’t do that. We both come from broken relationships in the past and we both have sworn we would never do that to each other ever.
He said there were parts of the time in the hot tub that he did not remember certain things and he swore he did not remember doing that. She also said the same thing she did not remember doing that and she said that she loved me too much. She would never hurt me like that on purpose. (And was crying)
Her husband text us in a group text and was like I don’t know if I have a marriage anymore and at least one relationship is now broken.
We need some time to heal, go to church and move on. We need to all take a break.
I felt the same way. I felt very hurt and betrayed even though I know there was Drunkenness involved.
After a couple weeks, her husband reached out to my husband. They met for coffee and patched it up. My husband was very apologetic. He said that’s the kind of man he does not want to be, and he doesn’t understand what happened that he would never do that to me or to his (best) friend. Her husband forgave him. They both started going to church and she quit drinking. (For about 3 months)
After about a month, her husband was surprised that I had not reached out to try to patch things up, but I felt like I wasn’t ready. I started thinking about how she’s very manipulative. I also started remembering all the times that she made me feel guilty if I did not want to go out and hang out and drink or go to the bar. I still have young kids and her kids were older. That combined with what happened I knew we needed to have a talk, but I just didn’t know how. Finally, after about two months we met and I laid it all out that I just felt betrayed and I did not have any more trust. I also told her she should come clean and tell her husband about her kissing that guy at the strip club. She understood how I felt about everything and said that she would be better. However she said she wasn’t going to tell her husband about the kissing another man. (I have told my husband about her and I kissing) Since then, two years later, she has gotten better we tried to put the past behind us and move on. We rarely all hang out together instead of talking to her five or six times a week and hanging out with her as much, I only usually talk to her maybe once a week. We still go on short trips together, just her and I. But I do notice how sassy she is and sometimes very rude to other people, not me. I just don’t feel as close to her anymore.
I guess my thoughts are how do I really move on from this? It’s very difficult for me to forget everything, but I have forgiven her.
When we do hang out, there’s always a moment when I think about what happened so it’s never really forgotten. I feel bad that I can’t forget it.
I still don’t feel like we are best friends. She does think we will retire and live next to each other one day. But I don’t see that happening. She just doesn’t seem like someone I want to be around 100% of the time anymore. I have been distancing myself and literally we only hang out maybe once or twice a month.
Is there a way to truly move on from this?
If I had to guess, I’m pretty sure that she was probably the first one to make a move in the hot tub. My husband did not feel that way about her. And after it happened, she said she was not attracted to him at all. Everyone blames it on the alcohol.
I’m ready to move on and move forward more, but I’m not sure there’s away.
I still care about her as a friend and her family. When we are together we still get along pretty good.