Husband wants me to meet BM before I move back in with our kids…
Husband wants me to meet BM before me and our kids move back in with him…
Need honest outside opinions because I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting anymore.
A little backstory:
During the ENTIRE duration of me and my husband’s relationship/marriage, he had very limited access to his son (who is now almost 13 years old) from a previous relationship. His ex/BM had primary custody, and for years there was a lot of conflict and separation surrounding his son.
During those same 5 years, me and my husband built a life together. We had children together, got married, and created our own family while he was simultaneously dealing with the situation involving his older son. I’ve always left the door open expecting his son to be coming back into our lives…
At one point, we found out his son was living with another family member, and they allowed us to visit him for a few weekends. I met his son during that time and there were never any issues. I’ve never had hostility toward his child or a problem with him having a relationship with his son.
A few years later, me and my husband started having issues in our marriage and I moved away with our children (who are 2 and 3 years old) for some space while we tried figuring things out.
During that separation, he reconciled with his son and also rebuilt a relationship/coparenting dynamic with his ex. She still technically has custody, although their son mainly lives full-time with my husband.
Here’s where I’m struggling:
His BM lives in another state hours away, but when she comes to visit their son on weekends from her work (she’s a flight attendant), she stays at my husband’s house and sleeps in their son’s room. This has apparently become their normal arrangement for a few months.
Now me and my husband are discussing reconciliation and potentially moving me and our children back into the home, and he says he wants me to sit down and talk with his BM first so SHE can feel comfortable with me moving back in. My husband said I got too comfortable with the dynamic before and now that his ex is back in the picture I need to consider her too bc this is her child as well.
And honestly… this whole dynamic makes me uncomfortable.
I completely understand healthy coparenting. I understand parents needing communication and cooperation for their child. I’m not against that at all.
But this feels emotionally blurry to me.
I can’t tell if I’m being insecure or if this really crosses boundaries:
- BM staying overnight in the house regularly
- sleeping there on weekends
- my husband prioritizing whether SHE feels comfortable about me returning
- me feeling like I need another woman’s approval to move back into my own marriage/family
What also makes this more frustrating is I actually have a son from a previous relationship too (I have full custody of him as well), and he’s around the same age as their son. If I allowed my son’s fathers to have our son primarily lived with him, I personally would never feel entitled to dictate my ex’s household or decide whether his wife could move into the home based on my comfort levels. That’s the part I’m struggling to understand. Now if there was an issue he had with my exes spouse or gf, and he came to me about it then yes I think we’d have to sit down and all have a discussion…
What bothers me most is that instead of focusing on rebuilding trust and emotional safety within OUR marriage first, a lot of the focus seems to be on maintaining comfort within their coparenting dynamic because of what she put him through the years prior... and he says he doesn’t want to take her to court bc for now this coparenting dynamic works for them.. but in order for him to be a part of all of his kids and my life- it doesn’t work for me.
Am I wrong for being upset by this?
People in blended families/coparenting situations:
- Would this dynamic make you uncomfortable?
- Is this normal/healthy coparenting behavior?
- Would you feel weird about your spouse asking you to meet with BM so BM feels comfortable with you moving back in?