u/Bubbly_West_26

i have been talking to this guy i met in mexico for about 1 year now, and am pretty overwhelmed with how things just hit the fan.

it started with me visiting a lot over the summer of 2025, and spending pretty much every day with him. very hot and heavy, very much initiated on his part. now in hindsight, things moved way too quickly, talk of marriage (which i now think pretty firmly was because it would be to his advantage to go to the US and work - when he learned more about the timeline from an immigration consult that i paid for, he backed out) and getting me pregnant (which he later claimed was just in a certain context, the heat of the moment..). 

i posted a photo on instagram when we went to get lunch for his birthday last summer, and a part of his hand was in the photo. not sure how he found out about it but when he did he blew up about it, first because he thought i was using him to make other guys jealous, and after i explained it wasnt my intention, that it was just a happy memory for me, he said he couldnt be in a relationship because he needed to focus on his nephews in another state and couldnt give me the time i deserved etc. etc.

this was after i allowed him to rent a room in a house i own down there. which i gave him an amazing price for because i love him (which i told him) and because i had sympathy for his family situation. so believe me, i was confused that the hand photo was a problem.

i visited him one more time in september, doing all the things he had previously told me he loved that i did.. cooking for him, being affectionate, providing a lot of "favors" that he enjoyed. at the end of that trip he told me all that made him uncomfortable, because he wasnt in a position to reciprocate in the way i deserved. i told him i wasnt pressuring him for a relationship right then and there, just that i loved him and i was happy the way things were. he told me he was going to move out so i could rent the house for more but i told him it was fine with me if he stayed (overgiving again lol).

we kept in touch (breadcrumbs and short text conversations mostly, 1 phone call) for months and he paid me rent (usually quite late i'll add).. i moved into the same house back in February and for the most part it has been fine, but i have been struggling with feelings of really caring about him and wanting to be with him, but him not fully reciprocating. he has been super helpful with a lot of aspects of the move, but very firm on the not being my boyfriend thing. he has been hot and cold and all over the place about how he feels when we hook up. sends me messages and things from instagram insinuating that he wants to hook up, i pretty much always initiate it, he enjoys it in the moment, but after we do seems like he thinks it was not a great idea. another very important detail is that when we do the deed, i want to kiss and he tells me he doesnt like kissing. so we are doing the deed with no kissing, which as i type it sounds insane lol.

so, how it's ending: he went on a trip to see his family for a few weeks, no correspondence from him and i let him have his space.. when i texted him how it was going towards the end, no answer for a day and a half, just a text when he was a few minutes away asking if i could open the door for him. i was bothered by the coldness, which i waited a few days to tell him, when i was drunk. then we hooked up. he seemed angry about the way i had expressed myself the next day.

my friend was in town that weekend and we went out saturday night, met up with some of my male friends, went dancing and ended back up at the house to drink some more. my friend hooked up with one of them, but i did not. anyway i believe he heard them doing it. disappeared for 3 days, came home tuesday and locked himself in his room for the entire day til leaving at 4 for work. i had knocked on his door to ask if we could talk (so i could apologize for the racket we'd made, and my assumption we'd made him feel uncomfortable in his living space. he refused to open the door and speak to me.

i finally saw him yesterday and asked if we could talk, and he was very harsh and direct with me. i said i wanted to apologize and he said he didnt care, if he wanted an apology or explanation he would have asked for it.. and that i should do whatever i want in my house, he is moving out on friday. i asked him to stay, and he said no he had already found a place and made up his mind. i asked him if we could still be friends, and he said probably not, that he is a "very selective" person with who he allows in his life (fair i guess). he also said that he is disgusted by women who go out drinking, bring guys home and do stuff with them. i told him i hadnt done anything and he just shrugged and said "i dont know". then he told me again his mind was made and he is leaving. i told him i considered him one of my best friends here and he just said "well i can see that you've made other friends so it's fine". he is definitely mad, but also seems hurt, like i betrayed him. today when i mentioned i felt like i hurt him he just scoffed and laughed and i dont know what to do with that because we were not a couple but i did really like him, even loved him.

i guess the answer is somewhere in my question, but i find myself feeling guilty still, like this could have been a good thing and i ruined it. im also just sad that i lost a friend. i think im trying to make sense of it and probably just need some tough love and objective takes from  strangers on the internet.

things that come to mind:

- maybe there is another woman back in his home town, and that's why he cant be with me. and why he freaked about the photo on instagram

- he was happy with the situation as long as he could have his cake and eat it too. now that he cant he's cutting me out of his life. :( 

- there are some light narc tendencies at play here: lovebombing, discarding, gaslighting, being possessive of me without committing

- i was just a person to get with while he could, but he doesnt want to share me or commit

- i have been erasing boundaries and accepting less than i was truly ok with, and now feeling a little mad at myself for that more than anything.

- this person is possibly avoidant, had feelings that i hurt, and now is discarding me for good

anyway appreciate any advice or opinions on this. i feel a little stupid to be honest. but need some reassurance that this is probably for the best??

TLDR: this guy (30M) has been hot and cold with me (34F) for a year, already told me he doesnt want a relationship and "has no feelings for me". but has been breadcrumbing me and we have been living together. now that im meeting other men, he doesnt even want to be friends and is cutting me out of his life. i'm not sure how to feel, and am in a lot of mood swings between "it's for the best" and "i messed up/feeling guilty". just need reassurance from people who have been through something similar