u/BubbyBooty

title. so bad. spielberg needs to leave directing before directing leaves him (spoiler alert: it already fucking has)

The movie opens in a wwe type wrestling match but for some reason the government is trying to collect something from him inside the match which makes NO FUCKING SENSE BECAUSE WHY WUOLD YOU COLLECT AN ALIEN ARTIFACT THAT SOMEONE STOLE IN A PUBLIC PLACE AT A FUCKING WWE MATCH. The worst part is the exchnage doesn’t even occur in the match. They take his backpack from him inside the match AND THEN THEY GO OUTSIDE AND DO THE EXCHANGE OUTSIDE LIKE GENUINELY WHY THE FUCK WAS THE WWE MATCH RELEVANT IN ANY CAPACITY.

and then the exchange is faked and josh o'conner is like ha I have the weapon so you guys can’t do anything to me. THE ONLY THING IS IT’S NOT A FUCKING WEAPON AND IT’S NEVER USED LIKE ONE THORUGHOUT THE MOVIE IT’S JUST AN INVISIBILITY DEVICE WHEN IT CHOOSES TO BE AND A LAME ASS MIND CONTROL THING THAT REQUIRES YOU TO BE IN AN URGENT CARE TYPE SETUP TO USE SO WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST FUCKING KILL HIM THERE. And then there’s car chase and josh o'conner says to his insurgency secret boss why don’t we just post it on YouTube. GOOD ASS QUESTION josh o'conner BECASUE THEY JUST BROADCAST IT ON TV 2.5 FUCKING HOURS LATER WHICH IS LITERALLY THE SAME FUCKING THING. COULDVE SAVED US THAT TIME AT LEAST.

and then don’t even get me started on the girlfirend bro because why is she SO ANNOYING. She refuses to leave his side for some reason and then she demands to know what’s happening and when josh o'conner shows her a video of what is very obviously aliens SHE STARTS ASKING THE STUPIDEST QUESTIONS LIKE ARE THOSE CHILDREN, ARE THOSE PEOPLE, IS THAT MY GRANDMPA’S LEFT NUTSACK LIKE HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEY’RE SO OBVIOUSLY ALIENS YOU FUCKING DISH RAG. AND ALSO WHY THE FUCK WAS THE ALIEN DESIGN LIKE THE MOST CLICHE OBVIOUS FUCKING THING OF ALL TIME. GIVEN HOW CLICHE IT WAS HOW IS josh o'conner's GIRLFRIEND SO STUPID??? and then she naturally opposes him and she’s like this will bring so much unrest and tensions especially in uneasy times like these which is reasonable BUT THEN SHE BRINGS UP HER RELIGION FOR NO REASON LIKE WAS THERE GENUINLEY A NEED FOR THAT YOU 2025 WORLD ENSLAVED BY A VIRUS LOOKING ASS PEA BRAINED BUFFOON. And then she proceeds to be get them caught and almost killed josh o'conner and fucks things up even more than sadness from inside out. i refuse to believe she serves any purpose besides ragebait.

then some more bullshit happens and there’s Emily blunt who can read peoples minds and says some bullshit. Her boyfriend is reasonable and asks what’s wrong and thinks she’s crazy WHICH MAKES SENSE CUZ SHE’S A FUCKING IDIOT AND JUST SAYS SOME BULLSHIT. AND THEN THEY MADE HER SUPER FUCKING OP FOR NO REASON. After they catch josh o'conner she just walks in there and brain washes everyone AND THEY WALK RIGHT OUT LIKE HOW IS THIS GOVERNMENT SO FUCKING USELESS. ALSO THE GOVERNMENT EXCLUSIVELY USES CARS TO CHASE PEOPLE AND THEY DON’T USE ANYTHING ELSE. IF ITS THIS BIG OF A SECRET THEN WHY DONT’ THEY USE EVERYTHING AT THE MILITARY’S DISPOSAL. ONLY ONE DUDE TRIES TO STOP THEM AND EVEN HE DOES A HALF ASS JOB LIKE HE’S ONLY PRETENDING TO STOP THEM SO HIS BOSSES DON’T GET MAD AT HIM.

then some other bullshit happens but at the end they do some bullshit and go to a news station and interrupt the broadcast to show the footage. THE GOVERNMENT ALMOST STOPS THE BROADCAST BUT THEY JUST GIVE UP AT THE LAST SECOND FOR NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL. COLIN FIRTH MUSTVE HAD ONE TOO MANY BIG MACS CUZ IG HIS STAMINA RAN OUT HE SITS THERE AND JUST LETS THEM EXPOSE THE SERCRET. and then they intterupt the news and show the news anchor pretending to care AND SHE DOES A TERRIBLE FUCKING JOB OF ACTING IT OUT AND I’M GENUINELY SITTING THERE THINKING WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I EVEN CARE LIKE HOLY SHIT THEY ARE DRAGGING IT TO THE MAX. Unfortunately that’s not even the worst part. They then reveal that they had a live alien with them THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME. WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST SHOW THE ALIEN INSTEAD OF GOING THORUGH ALL THIS BULLSHIT. THEN THE ALIEN EMILY BLUNT AND josh o'conner HAVE A THREESOME AND EVERYNOE LIVES HAPPILY EVERY AFTER. That’s obvioisly not what actually happened tho but it probably would’ve been better. The alien just touches tips with the bouls at the news center and then THE MOVIE FUCKING ENDS WITHOUT SHOWING ANY OF THE FALLOUT THAT THEY’VE BEEN DESCRIBING THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE.

and there’s a bunch of other plotholes and unanswered questions like why didn’t the aliens just reveal themselves, how did josh o'conner’s boss know what Emily blunt’s house looked like if they didn’t know that she was the chosen one, why did the aliens only pick two people, how are the aliens so stupid, why is the government so incompetent, why did that one employee go invisible and then passout after touching the device, and so much more that I’m definitely forgetting