How do I let go of the person I loved the most?
6 month relationship, 4 months post-breakup.
She was so warm and affectionate during the first months. We were both flagging ourselves with questions during the talking stage and seemed so compatible. Same shared group of friends, no kids, similar jokes, similar hobbies. I was somewhat skeptical at first but she pursued quite hard and I fell madly in love, although in hindsight it was rushed.
Accelerated moving cities and living alone for the first time to be with her. Moving by myself, new relationship in years + first job in the span of 3 months overwhelmed me, but I was blinded and I thought I can pull through.
She was quite moody sometimes. She would get very defensive during arguments, rarely took accountability for the ways she'd hurt me. During every fight, I feel like it was her vs me instead of us against the problem. She'd raise her voice at me, tell me "this is insane" and "it's not healthy" when I'd express pain and.. all I could do was stare at the wall and apologise. I have anxious attachment, I know -- she even told me that much.
Shortly after, the labeling and the emotional invalidation started. "You're too much", "you're too needy", "I feel engulfed", "you're overthinking", "you're being dramatic", "I'm not your therapist", "it's not my job to regulate your emotions". No matter how soft I'd say it, or how many minutes I'd spend rewriting that text to not make her feel hurt by bringing my pain up, she'd take it as an attack. I'd end up apologizing again, even when all I really wanted was to not feel neglected emotionally, accountability and emotional closeness. Hot and cold behavior was quite frequent from her, and that destabilized me even further.
I wasn't without faults. I was inexperienced with household chores even though I tried to help in any way I could, I was always there for her whenever she needed me. I had some trust issues that unfortunately went unresolved -- they're from my past relationship where I got cheated on. I don't think I was controlling, but I admit I needed more reassurances and texts when she would go out on work trips.
I felt like an afterthought when she went 6+ hours into the night without messaging me while she was at teambuilding party where her ex was also present (they're coworkers). I brought it up prior to the event and she assured me everything's gonna be fine, and when I told her I feel like trash, she told me I'm controlling and that "people here aren't on their phones soothing their insecure partners bro".
We had a trip planned, and one day prior she had a Christmas work party going on. I adapted my behavior and didn't bother her at all. Next morning, she told me she's feeling bad. I asked her "did you eat something bad or drank something?". Her response was "yeah, I drank a lot, why do you care you're not my mother you can't tell me what to do" and obviously the trip was canceled.
I know I wasn't her priority, she literally told me "you can never be first" when I asked her where I stand on her priority list. I know I have anxious attachment and she even told me this, but I never lashed out at her, never raised my voice, never tried to control her, always apologised for bringing up my hurt because it was "irrational" and "not healthy".
She'd often tell me she's running out of patience, that I'm not the same person anymore.. but how could I be, when she admitted to being vindictive and resentful during arguments? When she started rolling her eyes in front of me while I was crying? When I erased myself to protect the bond because my fear of abandonment was stronger than anything else? When she told me "I know it's selfish but I'm not willing to teach you things?" When I had to withdraw affection because she'd tell me I'm putting her on a pedestal and she doesn't like that?
I know she treated me like crap sometimes, and I didn't deserve that. I know she stopped loving me when she broke up with me and her eyes were emotionless, and she was able to go out and talk about vacation plans with her friends 2 hours after tearing my soul apart. I begged her to come back but she told me the decision's final. Spent weeks crying in my apartment after work and sobbing on the sidewalk.
And yet, here I am, still -- 4 months post breakup, been in therapy for 3. Post breakup, she told me I don't know how to love.
It's getting easier, I admit. She's still on my mind every day and I'm aware that I'm romanticizing the version of her from the beginning. I still blame myself sometimes, maybe it's my fault she became like that.