I wish I only had ASPD
I have a comorbid diagnosis ASPD/NPD and the worst part is I still get into states of vulnerability. Was working at this one job where everything was “perfect” for lack of a better term. Everyone loved me, I loved everybody, manager was fucking awesome and I still keep in contact with him. Summer was like nothing else.
Then boom January hits and they brought in a whole new crew of management and all of the original workers got silently fired. My Gf goes on and on about how much she loves her new job and coworkers and it makes me sick with jealousy and rage. Tho, I do my absolute best to insure I don’t let my jealousy get in the way of being supportive to her as I’ve been in therapy for years trying to right my wrongs let’s say, so I refuse to be like “THAT USE TO BE ME, I USE TO BE THE COOL FUNNY ONE!!” Lol cause I really am happy for her. She’s been dying for something like this so I aims to help keep it that way but fuck it fills me with a jealous rage knowing I don’t have that at the moment.
Even got a new job at this mom and pop shop and the owners are beyond kind. Like one in a million level of kindness that you NEVER find. They bought me brake pads and rotors my third week of being there and constantly try to make my life easier. But no, I can’t seem to see the value in it cause there’s not 10+ people stroking my ego 🙄
Just venting cause I’m hating the fuck out of my brain and I’m trying to ween off of this necessity for validation from others. This past summer was the absolute best and I was on top of the world (aka I was in a state of manic grandiosity) and the moment January hit I had a complete 180 flip into vulnerability. Thanks for reading if you did.