3 years ago I attempted to leave an abusive relationship. I was dragged back in with guilt tripping and manipulation, made to feel that he would genuinely kill himself just to punish me for leaving. He carved cumdump into me and had the audacity to pretend it was consensual (never pre-discussed what he was going to do, btw, and he hadn’t told me it would be that word, only that he wanted to do knife play and would kill himself or hurt me if I didn’t cooperate, and this was after years of unpredictable and insane behavior and escalations)
Later when I tried to reconcile the relationship (stupid, I know, but to me he was the only family I had and I really believed I could help him beat his addiction bc outside of me I believed he had no other real support from anyone trauma informed) he got herpes from a girl he’d already cheated on me with multiple times and threatened to kill me and my current partner over it. It drove a wedge in all my relationships as it scared my partner, who was letting me live with him at the time. I got so angry for months. All the rage and resentment came up and I couldn’t shove it down again. I hated him so much I checked the papers for his obituary constantly. I hoped he’d overdose, I sent him angry texts and emails and he didn’t respond. Three years of a relationship and I got ghosted the second I didn’t want to be a punching bag anymore. It didn’t matter that he mattered to me, that I cared about what happened to him. He hated me, he’d always hated me, and he wanted me to hurt and suffer for daring to defy his terms. He found my posts on this subreddit and called me a liar.
Here’s the big thing I came back to say. He threatened me with legal action constantly. He didn’t actually have a clue about it. One day I was upset that he pretended to be me on social media and dragged a good friend into it (who was forgiving, thank goodness, but I was still furious he’d even try to continue isolating me) and in the process of figuring out a restraining order, and I went to the police finally. He retaliated and filed his own. And sent me a pathetic drunk email about how hard it was for him to do. It was a joke you guys. It was pathetic. It was so obviously not thorough, it had nothing but evidence that could be thrown out as heresay. And the whole time I’d been slaving over legal research because the restraining order stuff is all self representation, he’d clearly just been frying his brain on clonazepam and alcohol. There were spelling errors, claims that couldn’t be backed up. Mind you his brother (the one he was historically closest with) went to law school so that confirms his family doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore either. I had been freaking out for months trying to create an airtight documentation of abuse to file with the courts just for him to file one. Suddenly there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I showed up to court just to say I had no objections and signed the papers I needed to sign. He did a double take at his stack of evidence, and instead of getting to drag me into another ridiculous, petulant theater to humiliate and abuse me further (and I’m certain that was allllll he would have done, because he clearly didn’t walk in with any understanding of how a restraining order hearing works at all) he had to choke on all his excuses, lies, defenses, and insults and storm out alone to live with the consequences.
It has had no effect on me at all. Which is *sort* of upsetting, because it’s often the only path abuse victims can take. But it also means if you don’t want to talk to that asshole, and you want them to leave you alone right back: let them abuse the legal system and do their worst. Let them throw their stupid tantrum and whine that it’s so unfair that you can walk away and they have to live with themselves. This has had very little effect on me, not nearly to the same degree as if I HADN’T egged him on and called his bluff. He leaves me alone because he knows I’d just start keeping record and get his really sad attempt appealed if he tried. It hasn’t affected my ability to get a job. Even in trusted positions where it does come up, like at my lab tech job because I needed security clearance. I just told them the truth. “I left a drunk and he threw a fit and wanted to drag it out. It was really hard to leave, and I had no interest in fighting him, or hearing his voice. I didn’t want to argue with him, or sit across from him. I wanted to go home. I wanted him to leave me alone. I went to the aquarium with my friends after and I’ve never looked back.”
People feel it when you are honest and trustworthy and don’t have to manipulate your way into everyone’s lives and create trauma bonds so they’ll trust you. You can withstand whatever they throw at you and walk away and every day the relief will wash over you. Every day the pain will subside more and time will be your friend. The scars have healed and my life is truly rich with friendship and love and joy and everything I hoped I would find on the other side. I understand that so many cultural touchstones when it comes to women who leave can end so tragically or otherwise end in some massive upheaval of their lives. I understand that you are afraid of people having this look into your life and you are afraid of being made a spectacle. But I’m telling you that no matter what their version of “if I can’t have you, no one can” looks like, whatever they can do, time will pass and you will heal and you will come back stronger and nothing about you will be gone or worse for it. You will leave them with themselves and they will do everything to themselves that they used you as an outlet for and allllll the love that is wasted on them will be returned to your own life and you will find yourself years later in a secure perimeter of mirrors that reflect everything everyone already knew was true about you back to yourself and ultimately the only lingering feeling when you remember what happened will be sadness for yourself, that you didn’t know how precious you were and how worthy you were of all this love and stability and joy and protection and life. And you do not have to fight for it, you can hold onto all your anger and flaws and fear until the day comes when you are simply ready to release it. And it will come. It will just take time.