My dad came into my apartment without permission while I was sleeping because my phone died
So I live alone and Im a single girl in my early to mid twenties. I decided to let my parents have my location because I really don't have anything to hide. However, my parents and I have a history to say the least.
My dad was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me and my mom for my whole childhood. She refused to leave him because she was so against divorce but he would treat her like garbage every day. He would talk down to her like she was nothing. Break her phone, scream at her, call her horrible names. I would beg her to leave him every time he would do this to her and to us.
Well on top of this, he violated my privacy many times growing up. There were times he made me cuddle with him, he would walk in on me changing until I turned 16 and starting balling my eyes out because he wouldn't stop walking in. He'd even do things like slap my butt and he made comments about my boobs to my ex boyfriend apparently.
Well, first off, the reason why I still have a relationship with him is because when I confided in my mom about having PTSD at 16 years old, she blamed it on me because I didn't forgive my dad for what he did. So I always felt like I needed to forgive him or else it's still gonna cause me pain.
But anyways, I hung out with friends a few nights ago. We had some drinks. At some point, my phone must have died. My phone was probably dead for 15 hours because I went to bed without plugging it in. I told my friend that he could sleep on my couch so he didn't have to drink and drive. Well, at 6:00am he barged into my apartment freaking out thinking I died or something. He came into my room, saw me asleep, and asked my friend who he was and then he left.
I woke up really disoriented and confused. I found out that my dad came inside without my permission and It just really left a sour horrible feeling in my gut. Like I couldn't eat for two days. I could just feel my stomach digest itself but I just felt so much anxiety and I just felt so depressed. So I tried to confide in my mom while also setting a boundary.
I really tried to watch my tone going in to the situation because I know how she can be but I basically told her that my dad going into my apartment while I'm asleep made me feel really uncomfortable. I told her that I am an adult and while it is irresponsible to let my phone die, I am capable of looking after myself as I pay all my own bills besides for my car insurance.
She told me I was condescending and that I was talking down to her like she was stupid and less than me. I told her that my tone was just the same as my normal tone and she said that I think I'm so smart or something like that. She immediately started raising her voice and telling me how I was a dramatic and that they were just worried about me and it's not a big deal.
She talked to me like a coworker she hates. And I went into it being mindful of my tone. I just tried to make things clear that what he did crossed a line for me. I'm her only kid. I tried to have a heart to heart with her and she basically just devalued everything I had to say and minimized it. I told her that I was being nice by giving them my location and because he had crossed a line, that I would be deciding to remove the location app from my phone.
Then she threatened to stop paying my car insurance if I did that. So I told her that she was weaponizing the one thing they still help me with. She talked to me so disrespectfully. She completely threw herself away for the sake of not getting a divorce. She was a different person when I was a kid. So now I feel sick to my stomach.
I know what I have to do. But I tried so hard to give them trust. The one little bit of power they still had, she as willing to threaten me with that in a conversation where I wasn't even being angry or mean. She completely gave up on being any sort of mom to me it feels like. I want to go to college but now I don't feel like I can call them for support or to encourage my dreams. Ive been in so much pain so now I don't want to be hurt again.
Because each time they hurt me, it reopens the old wounds. As much as if tried to be open and forgive it seems like they can't give me any ounce of grace. I don't feel loved by them. I think my value to them is dependent on their control. I never want to let them hurt me again. I will likely just have to ween away. If you're reading this, thank you for taking the time to be here. I feel really alone. I don't know what to do. I don't have siblings. I know it will be okay. At least I hope it will be.
I just don't know. I want to cut them off but I feel so guilty. But after everything they've done to me, they can't even show me some love and compassion right now that I'm an adult.