Immensely struggling and on the verge of giving up
I’m only getting worse by the day. I can’t even think anymore. I wake up and just do it. Porn. Fantasies. AI stuff. Weed. Alcohol. Isolation. Etc. I’m now 23 years old and so deep I genuinely don’t believe Jesus wants me or that he’s even real. It pains me deeply to say that but that’s the truth. I’m not ok at all. I spent 2 hours the other night just in my car in a parking lot emptying my heart to God and I just got deeper hopelessness, silence and more confirmation that I’m not wanted or he’s not real, which I hate both of those outcomes. I’ve spent $5k on drugs and alcohol in the past 2 months and I was hoping I’d be dead by now tbh. Idk. I’m empty. Tired. Hopeless. Faithless. No love. Pure fear. No peace. Pure worry, anger and just sadness that I really don’t think Jesus wants me. Idk. Anyone else gone through this level of torment despite wanting Jesus deeply? Like I’m wanting to find peace in him but I’m just more empty and hopeless the more I pray or read the Bible. Had to stop going to church too cuz it genuinely hurt seeing others happy and in love. I can’t even participate in life anymore. I haven’t even woken up before 4pm in well over a month. I’m up all night high, drinking and in porn even tho every single night I genuinely try to resist. I’ve lost and keep losing. Idk how this is worth it anymore.