How to get over my ex-FP?
I made a friend online a couple of years ago and hit it off, started talking all the time and it escalated into sexting etc. He is 11 years younger (I'm 40), and both have mental health issues. I travelled to him 3 times. We initially said we were in a relationship but he walked that back because he'd been hurt previously. We'd text all day and have video calls multiple times a week.
Last year my mother died from cancer. I had been caring for her and my mental health had seriously deteriorated - in the month before she died I attempted suicide twice, was extremely anxious and depressed, my meds caused huge brain fog and restlessness. I couldn't sit still, concentrate, eat, or sleep. Ideation was constant and I called the Samaritans daily.
A couple of days before she died I told my ex-boyfriend (we had stayed friends) that nurses had warned me it was coming. He dropped everything to stay with me. I was in the worst place mentally I'd ever been - I'd constantly say I didn't want to be here any more. My ex did everything for me, he'd literally follow me around the house while I reached for knives or anything that I could use to hurt myself.
My FP didn't seem to understand the extremity of it. He wanted to video call and got sad when I wasn't up to it. He seemed down that he couldn't help and would get drunk and say he wanted to come see me (he has difficulty leaving the house and I live hours away). On a call one night I said "I love you" and he told me he hated that word. When I told him I had hope for our future together he shot it down and said that I shouldn't hope for that, he didn't know what would happen in future and that we'd always be friends. He even said that I'd be godmother to his children.
I was in shock. He had said previously that he loved me lots. I told him we shouldn't sext any more and he seemed to understand but couldn't remember everything he'd said in that shocking call.
I was still in the middle of a mental breakdown, and 2 weeks later my FP said he needed some space. He got in contact again after 2 days. He complained we hadn't video called in ages, but the one night I felt okay enough he changed his mind and said he wasn't up to it.
I asked him for space to try and get my head round everything. I'd been telling my ex more about everything and he was pointing out red flags I had ignored. I started to see that no matter what my FP was saying, he was being selfish and only wanted to be friends when things were good, he didn't want to be "brought down" by me.
My FP texted in the middle of my break saying "I think it's best we go our separate ways". Again I was in shock and hurt. 5 days later he texted again, didn't apologise, just that he understood the last message was abrupt and he'd like to talk again after some time to "help ourselves". I was so hurt and done, he abandoned me at my lowest point and didn't even say sorry.
I didn't reply, a week later he messaged to say he'd "fuck off then". He tweeted "ps fuck you cunt", changed a shared Spotify playlist to "waste of fucking time". I still didn't reply. He texted a couple of weeks later to say he was thinking of me, then reached out again asking me to let him know I was okay. My ex texted him because I wasn't strong enough, and told him he was hurting my mental health every time he got in contact. My FP called him a "worm" but didn't contact me directly again. He changed the Spotify playlist to "I love you, I'm sorry" then blocked me. He's been on social media posting "subtweets" since then, they hurt.
Talking to my ex about the situation really highlighted the red flags I had overlooked. My FP didn't want to be in a relationship with me (even though it clearly was one), he'd never complement my looks (just my sexual organs), he'd randomly get weird about the word "love", we'd have calls where he'd get annoyed/irritated and hang up on me (happened several times). On calls I'd say I needed to sleep and he'd say I hated him cause I was going, and he'd pull his dick out and start being dirty with me instead of letting me sleep. I'd send him weed and he'd go silent for days after. He'd make fun of the age difference and call me old lots. There's more, but the biggest red flags were twice when I was staying with him, I woke up with his hands down my panties. He later said he didn't remember doing it and tried to laugh it off.
I know all this and how toxic it could be at times, so why am I still thinking about him? I'm still checking his tweets lots and getting upset when he subtweets. My brain knows better, but still I want to talk to him? I know if I did talk to him again I'd let him walk all over me.
My ex and I have gotten so close since he came to look after me and I have improving mentally, well enough to know that he and I are still amazing together and that we want to be together once I've regained independence and confidence. Logically I know all this, so why can't I move on from my ex-FP who doesn't really want me, hurt me deeply, and was dismissive and toxic?
I'm so sorry this post is long, thank you to anyone who has read it all, and has any advice for me.