I’m tired. (TW)
this, is a long one. I’m so tired. I realize I don’t think of the future anymore, at all. I don’t think of months ahead of me being reality. I love my parents, I care about my friends, but nothing brings me joy. Everyone hurts me and I can’t trust. I genuinely, cannot, trust. I have tried, and tried, and tried, and tried to trust. And it doesn’t work. I’m tired, i’m so tired and fed up and I want to go home. But I don’t know what my definition of home is. I need a break, i need something to go right, i need my friends not to constantly manipulate me, i need my friends to not leave me, I need my parents to be happy, I need to be left alone to rot. I don’t know. I’m dying inside and I don’t know why. I can’t tell anyone, I quit but now I’m doing it again, I’m so tired. This is such a mess but it’s honestly the state of my mind right now. And i know i’m over exaggerating EVERYTHING. I always say, tomorrow will be better. And then it is, for maybe 2-3 days, and then I spiral. Over just a little thing. I don’t want to go do summer activities that now feel like a chore. I don’t want to have to be the oldest of my family when in reality i’m the youngest. I don’t want to be stuck in this hell, with no way out anytime soon. I don’t want to do anything. Nothing brings me joy. I think making other people happy does, though. But i just get used by those people and it hurts worse. I think im the common issue but I can’t stomach being alone either, I think I just don’t wanna be here anymore. i have so many problems that takes so much effort and so much money and so much time that I DONT HAVE. So i guess, i want to take the cowards way out. The easy break, gone. I don’t want to hurt my parents, i just want to, cease to exist or ever have existed. But i want people to care? I don’t know. I’m a mess, and i’m so, so tired.