u/Burningresentment

Hello everyone! It's been a while since I've posted! I'm not sure where to start, but I need some advice.

[TW: physical abuse, burnout, not exactly sewerslidal ideation but exhaustion to the point of not caring?]

To give a quick rundown, I have been caretaking for my uBPDmom and (potential sociopath)diagnosed Schizoaffective older sibling. So much so, to the point where it has affected my ability to work due to extreme burnout. I've been applying for jobs, even went to a temp agency - I either don't hear back or turn down opportunities because these two unstable individuals need help at all hours of the day and night.

(Even now I'm running on two hours of sleep)

My mom is elderly but not diagnosed with anything and still works (by courtesy of me, btw - because I literally end up working from home to complete HER WORK TASKS while job searching. Even when I was employed, I was often doing two workloads. Hers and mine. I have more stories about that...I used to hide in the bushes at one of her old jobs and sneak in to help her work. If I didn't, I'd get beaten. It's kinda funny actually, I'm cracking up as I write this😭it's too absurd)

As a result of this, I do not get paid for being a caretaker by Medicaid/Medicare.

For some background, for YEARS I have been telling mom to move from where we currently live - because we live in the dust bowl (like literal, actual dust storms that topple 18 wheelers and stuff) middle of nowhere, fracking/oil/natural gas area (so the pollution is intense).

Mom moved from a big city to this place during my senior year of Highschool to maintain control. Social isolation and extreme ongoing abuse wasn't enough, to maintain her grip she needed geographical isolation thrown in the mix.

She moved here with no contigency plans (I.e: use daughter as cash cow). I became the breadwinner fresh out of high school because it was either move to the middle of nowhere and have a roof over my head OR be homeless in the largest city (by population) in the US.

As you guys can imagine, at 17 I had to make a harrowing choice as social services did not give a HOOT. (But now that I look back...)

When we first moved to ((MIDDLE OF NOWHERE)) it made me horrifically sick. She didn't care. Now she's getting sick and wants a change of pace, years later - after holding me hostage with physical abuse, complete financial control, and watching my health deteriorate with no effs given.

Welp...moms' attitude of, "what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine" hasn't been yielding good results anymore. She's wrung EVERYTHING from me. I'm constantly terrified, she screams at me and hits me, and the fear doesn't even induce panic filled focus anymore. I kept two jobs while going to school, and building her side business while handing over every cent (including student disbursements) for the longest because the terror kept me going.

I'd hand over anything to avoid getting strangled into oblivion. Now I'm like, "please, if you're gonna take me out the game just make it quick😭✌️."

Her last big one was taking a settlement I came into. She was able to use it, but not in the way she wanted (use it as a downpayment for a home/capital for a business) due to circumstances.

(This is on top of confiscating every cent, using violence and isolation to coerce me into opening lines of credit on her behalf, and genuinely just sabotaging everything from my credit, to my education, to my friendships. Just...ugh).

So, she resents me even more because she couldn't use both me and the settlement.

So Now: Mom wants to take out a small loan to relocate. But the kicker is - I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE WITH HER. She's not too old to start over, but she insists that I must "pave the way" and get her settled, then I'll be "released" from "my duty" to live my own life. (Gee, Thanks! I guess...you told me this at 18 and a decade later I'm still held hostage!)

The kicker is - she is banking on my potential income (when we relocate) to pay it back.

Do I:

A) stay silent, fill out the loan, dip - and let her figure it out on her own.

Or

B) Tell her that i'm not moving with her upfront - and that I'll assist her with filling it out, but she will be totally responsible for her own relocation and that we will part ways when the lease ends.

My heart is saying 🅱️ (because oh my gosh I don't know why I still care about her. Am I an idiot? Do I love the F.O.G?) but my mind is saying 🅰️

(I don't want her to get screwed over, even though she never about me. I don't feel good even if it's the natural consequences of her actions. I also feel as if I'm being sneaky by not disclosing that I don't want to move with her, but I'm afraid of her violent tirades).

The triple whammy? I tried B SEVERAL TIMES in the past and it's what lead to...bad things.

What do you guys recommend? A, B, or [OTHER CHOICE]. Is there some middle ground? I don't trust my mom to manage things for herself in my absence. (Although again, why can't I stop caring! I feel that if I tell her that I'm not moving with her, she will try to sabotage my opportunities once again and that she won't move at all after signing for the loan)

I wish life was a movie and that I had a friend who could pick me up in the middle of the night, toss my phone out the window, and we go cross country and crash for a bit after blocking everybody🤣🚙💨