r/raisedbyborderlines

Haiku:
Lazy cat sleeping,
Belly up on the blue couch,
Peaceful afternoon

Has anyone’s BPD parent developed memory loss? And I mean actual memory loss, not the BPD selective memory loss where they rewrite history to their own advantage.
Everything is now an argument of facts and it’s becoming exhausting, more than the usual drama and debate. How do you help a parent with BPD realize that they need support? How do you manage the absolute rage when she wants to argue every little thing like you’re wrong, when you have email/text receipts?
I’m thinking it’s early stages of late-onset Alzheimer’s. All 3 of my siblings and I have done genetic testing and we’re all carriers of multiple risk genes, including APOE.
The ironic thing is that she thinks our dad (shockingly they’re still married) is the one with memory loss and she is trying to convince everyone that he’s the problem. If it weren’t for my dad we’d probably all be NC with her at this point.

I am sat here in A&E / the emergency room waiting to be seen and I'm realising I have a problem and wondering if any of you can relate.

Basically I have some kind of insect bite on my ankle and my whole foot has swollen up and I feel so dizzy and unwell.

I am so trained by my uBPD mother to not show any weakness, to act like I'm fine even when I'm not, that I could just completely hide how sick I'm feeling. So now if I decide to 'show' how I'm feeling it almost feels like I'm performing/putting it on.

Can anyone relate?

Cat haiku:

Silent as a shade

The cat creeps through shadows deep

Paws touch without sound

My mother has a strange fixation on photos. She is constantly taking pictures of herself and sending selfies to various family members. It's impossible to have a normal adult conversation with her because all she seems to care about is photos.

If she asks how I'm doing and I tell her, "Nothing special, I went here and there," her response is always, "Send a photo." She sends me thousands of photos and is constantly posting them online.

I don't send photos because I don't want my pictures to be shared with random relatives, group chats, or posted on social media. Despite that, she has started sharing my old personal photos on her Facebook page without asking my permission.

And as a cherry on top she is looking for anyone from my social circle and asking them to take pictures of me or if they have any of my photos to share it with her!

Ive done a lot of work to de- enmesh from mom but my siblings are not quite there. The last time i spoke to mom she was being nice and supportive which was unusual for the way she normally treats me these days, with obvious disinterest.

Then i got a call from my sister and it all made sense. They’ve been beefing. Sis was over mom and the therapist apparently did not meditate properly between them, allowing the conversation to escalate. I asked my sister why mom was even present in her therapy session. I suspect heavy enmeshment and controlling behavior from mom. Mom didn’t like it when i went to therapy because i stopped allowing her to come with. And she felt she was losing control over the narrative. me and therapist were talking about her. I am also super suspicious of my sisters“therapist” given the fact that he/she isn’t setting a boundary and i had my own fare share of negative experiences with therapist. They can be incredibly irresponsible when it comes to abuse dynamics. Especially with their “neutral” approach etc.

I advised my sister to take a step back from mom and focus on self. I was trying not to jump back into peace keeper mode or mediator mode but give a little advice and leave it at that. Later that week Mom called to complain and gossip about family but i didn’t respond to much and the conversation got defused pretty quickly. I am proud of the fact that i didn’t let them drag me back into that place. They are all adults now and make their own decisions.

I am loving all family from a distance right now (instead of going over there in person and emotionally exhausted myself) and intent on keeping it that way. My sister was pretty down and that did affect me. I gave her a pep talk and reiterated that she needs to take some space from mom. The worst thing to have in your ear when you are not in the best place is a bpd parent. Mom is a mayor reason for the misery so..

I have lived abroad for 14 years, and am going back to my home country briefly for the first time in 2 years. When I was there 2 years ago for a week, my mwbpd had already refused to see me or speak to me for the previous 3 years, apart from sending vicious emails every now and then telling me how awful I am and how much my whole family hates me. I managed to cling on to a wisp of a relationship with my dad, who on the day I was meant to meet him, after ignoring all my contact attempts for 3 months, got in touch to say he didn't want to see me and parroted all my mum's crap back at me. It was quite devastating really, that was the last of my family left who I could see and I thought wanted to see me. The details are long and boring and typical bpd covert narc toxic family dynamics involving scapegoating and isolating me from everyone. I've had NC with the whole family since then. Obv I feel really sad and it gets me down a lot. Going back this time, my dad will be 70 and I just don't know what to do. A part of me wants to reach out to him and ask if this is really what he wants, to have NC with his only daughter into his old age, when we have always got on so well until she poisoned him against me. But then I also think I don't want to open the door to this abject pain and bullying that I've received from them all over the years. But at the same time he's my dad who used to be so close to me, I just can't bare it that he's going I to his 70th year, I want him to know I love him. It's just breaking my heart. I'm in a damned if you do damned if you don't situation because getting in touch with him is at what cost to my own sanity?

So, I'm moving out soon (Thank God!), and I can clearly see how it's affecting my ubpd mom, even though she's decided to stay passive about it and not show any emotions. However, she keeps doing something that irritates me so much that I want to metaphorically bang my head against the wall to let out my frustration. Whenever I don't do something that I *always* do, she would passively call me out for not doing it and then say, "How would we even miss you if you aren't doing anything that would remind us of you? that would make us say, "Ahhh, she's gone. She used to do this." Huh?" Now that my move-out day is coming up, she keeps saying this every single time, and although in the past it wouldn't have annoyed me this much, I'm now finding it extremely dehumanizing. What do you mean that my entire worth is tied to some things I do or don't do? Like your actual daughter is moving out and all that can remind you of her is her helping you out with chores, not her actual personality and kindness? She also intentionally makes it seem as if I never do them when in fact I do them regularly. I'm so hurt by her determination to focus on my material worth to her. Part of me is saying, "You're just too emotional now." But the other part keeps saying, "Your irritation is justified." I'm so confused and would appreciate your insights. :)

I swear I always find BPD/BPD-lite types wherever I go, and I am always their target. Lately, it’s been the mother of daughter’s best friend, who gives me major BPD vibes. She’ll see me one time and say hello in the loudest, happiest voice and reach out to hug me. Then the next time I see her, she doesn’t say hi at all and actively excludes me from conversation. She scolded me once at my daughter’s class Halloween party for not knowing what to do as a volunteer, when she was the room parent and was supposed to tell me. She got drunk at a game night thing with other neighborhood moms and bragged about how she has a favorite kid, and how much she loves her daughter because they paint nails together but can’t stand her son. She was laughing as she told a story about dropping him to the ground when he was a baby because he was crying, and she couldn’t take it anymore, so she just let go of him mid-air and walked away. She is always the victim and complains about all the injustices she endures, despite being highly accomplished.

Despite all that, I have never seen her be rude or catty with anyone but me! And I can’t figure out why. I am a chronic people pleaser who is probably overly nice and over accommodating. I’ve tried gray rocking around her, but then she’ll be nice to me the next time I see her, and I think maybe she was in a bad mood the last time, so I let it go. Today, her son was crying for her at a community pool party, and she asked me to go get her husband, who was working at the snack shack. I tried to get her son to come with me to go to her husband instead of just standing there crying, and she yelled “just get my husband!” in the most condescending tone. I’ve been in a bad mood since it happened because it was very triggering and always is.

The thing is this happens to me all the time! I’m like a magnet for these people no matter how much therapy I go through and see my patterns and how I contribute to it. I feel sometimes like I can’t escape them and can’t control it. Is this common among children of BPD parents??

We just spent 3 days with uBPD mom and edad that despite us all on our very best behaviour — not mom of course, she was doing her witchy worst — it was still breathtakingly unpleasant.

In the past I used to leave family visits feeling this rage and betrayal towards my husband. I’d be mad that he didn’t stand up for me more. That he didn’t clock enough of her bullying in real time and intervene better (to be fair he hasn’t had a lifetime of practice like me).

To be clear, my husband sees my parents for what they are. Yet sometimes still seemed to want their approval, or slip into caring what they think about him.

Seeing this version of my husband made me lose respect for him. Wishing he had more moral courage or protected me more.

This time something shifted. I realized my husband is being (re)traumatized by my parents — his default trauma response is 100% fawning. He experienced terrible bullying as a kid. He’s done a lot of therapy and work on this, and I’m so proud of him.

But here I am putting him in this toxic bullying environment! Even if he’s not the main target, he is triggered as hell and suffering, just in different ways!

By feeling mad at him and causing conflict between us, my uBPD mom is getting exactly what she wants. She wins.

So all this to say — I am finally done. I can’t do this to my own family any more. I. Am. Done.

Hello, recently me and my psychiatrist concluded to the possibility of my mother having BPD.

She was abandoned early in life and she was reunited with her family when she was 5. She has an intense emotional dysregulation and a very hard time to control her emotions and behaviors.

She is especially very hard to deal with, because when I tell her please don't do something, she will 95% of the time do it.

Lately I asked her not to do something trivial yet important to my business activities and she did it.

I felt empty and betrayed to the point I was feeling numb and dead inside.

I already cut her once in the past but we have reunited since.

My question.

Do you experience such a behavior and if so how do you deal with it?

Thank you.

Please be kind English not my first language and I am really upset.

Even if she's in one of her semi-manic good moods and doesn't say anything passive aggressive, when we're on the phone she talks about herself like it's her job. She monologues about her inner thoughts, her perceptions of herself, her fears, dreams, and interests. And it makes me feel like a lonely kid again just listening to my mom's entire inner world, her dictating the narrative of my life. She never honestly asked how I felt and would fly into a rage if I called out an inconsistency in her POV. She never prioritized me in a real way, though she wasn't "as bad" as my dad, or other truly nightmarish parents (bpd or otherwise) she neglected and abused me during so much of my other childhood traumas that I'm going to be in therapy for cptsd+mdd for the rest of my life, and I'm constantly playing catch up on basic life things. I've confronted her several times, and she's promised to go to therapy, but she keeps not following through or dropping therapists because she doesn't like them for one reason or another.

I want to heal and view all of this with less heaviness. I hate that I get so angry with her over small things even when she's trying to be nice and "upbeat" because she knows I will hang up if she's weird or rude. I'm at the point where even small interactions feel like grating sandpaper because every single thing reminds me of how selfish she was as a parent, even when she's being "nice" it feels so hollow. Sometimes she has the audacity to say "I want you to know my perspective, because when my mom died I wished I had asked her more questions!" Like. Good god, woman, I wish I knew LESS about you.
(working towards NC, but it just isn't possible at this moment)

(Cat haiku: Soft paws, bright round eyes,
Chasing sunbeams on the floor,
Purring in my lap.)

Hi! Posting here for the first time a few months into unpacking that my mother likely has BPD (which my own therapist brought to my attention). Nearly 2 years ago I moved out at 22 for law school, leaving my parents and grandmother in the family home. There was nothing but fights and I was back nearly every weekend trying to mediate. Long story short, my parents broke up after 20+ years in a very ugly, drawn-out way. I was so in the middle of everything and lost the first two years of my degree worrying and care-taking.

My mom was hospitalized on New Year’s Day because she was suicidal and driving her car and needed to be stopped by police. She insisted she was fine and it was just the holiday loneliness. At the end of May, she was hospitalized for a severe second attempt by medication overdose. Sometime in the midst of taking the pills, she made a social media post revealing she had been in a relationship for over a year with someone we all thought was just a friend. Affair allegations related to this person were a huge part of why my parents’ relationship ended. I experienced extreme arguments for months and nearly ruined my relationship with my other parent because they were so extremely angry at my mom - and I couldn’t understand why because my mom had never done what she was being accused of.

I didn’t have time to process before I was at the hospital and she was in a coma. She eventually woke up and is doing well now - but grieving her breakup with this person, as well as dealing with having lost her job. She is being followed by a crisis team but her sessions with them are almost finished and I have no idea what support looks like once that’s over.

I am starting to realize how incredibly self-centered my family is - I have had parents who expected me to be their therapists, their peers, their personal lines of credit, their punching bags. I have done everything possible for years to sacrifice my own life and needs and wellbeing to be able to give them what they need. I do nothing except work and go to school. I’m lonely and anxious but at least I won’t harm anyone the way my parents have.

My mom has never apologized - she has been extremely vocal about needing boundaries, being anxious and in a spiral, and going through so much that no one understands. I know she has been through so much trauma, and this recent episode was further traumatizing on her. But where is the line between healthy empathy/compassion/support vs BPD traits? She is filled with so much shame and is so alone - I don’t know how to let her experience the consequences without feeling like I’m abandoning someone in a mental health crisis.

Anyone else have really angry dreams about their mom? I’ve been having dreams where I’m so mad that I’m biting, hitting and screaming at her. Last night, in my dream, I told her that there isn’t a single thing I like about her after she mocked, dismissed me and then gave me the silent treatment when I would react to her abuse (something she would do irl often). I would never hit or bite people in real life… it’s been a little overwhelming to wake up to lol

It’s been nearly a year NC with my dBPD mother, or perhaps over a year. I’m not sure of the exact date, only that it was sometime after Mother’s Day. And everything has been so much better, easier. I feel more relaxed and calm, I feel like I’m less short/tempered.

When I removed my wisdom teeth I had suddenly become aware that for years I was in a constant state of pain. I thought the pressure I felt in my mouth was normal and over time it was something I thought I was ignoring and desensitized to. Only after they were gone did I realize how much they affected me. And now my mother seems much the same.

I thought I had been doing well LC. And now I realize just how impossible it was, she was always in the back of my head and hurting me. I think the first year was mostly me processing this, I initially felt so conflicted about going NC. I thought I’d miss her, but I don’t.

It’s also made me aware of qualities I didn’t think I possessed. I never thought I was a people pleaser as I often fought back. But I realize now that I am. I almost wavered when my dad tried to pressure me, I felt instant panic and immediately tried to console and flatter him. Furthermore, I’ve become keenly aware of how many of my quirks are a result of her. I thought I just hated massages, I never worked out how I was forced to massage her.

I used to hang on to the good things about her and I’ve come to accept that those don’t really exist. Maybe they did as there was a time she did have actual friends, so surely she had to have some. But she was young, so maybe it was just that other people also being young were more immature and willing to accept bad behavior. Maybe I didn’t pick up on some or I wasn’t someone who could be a target yet.

Be that as it may, whatever good qualities could’ve existed have been so completely corroded away by her bad ones. The BPD seems to have only exacerbated her bad ones so much so that really it doesn’t seem like there’s much of a person left, just BPD itself taking human form. And now I just wonder what I was hanging around for. The memory of a mom who never existed for me? I thought I had accepted that she would never be who I wanted her to be, but clearly, there was a sliver of hope.

All this to say, a year out and I’m happy. For the people who are on the fence, jump off. You’ll feel lighter. Maybe not at first, we’ve been trained to feel bad. And then you might feel mad for a while and still more preoccupied with it than you hoped to be. And there might be some loops if they send flying monkeys your way. But I feel so much better, the pressure is gone. It wasn’t normal and it didn’t have to be there.

Looking forward to many more years NC! Also to add, I was afraid of her constantly harassing me and the only thing she has done is request permission to follow me on Instagram. Maybe it would be different if we lived on the same continent, but for all the worry I had that NC would make her do something drastic or constantly harass me and nothing at all has happened (she is blocked on my phone). They were just empty threats.

Anyone else here struggle with imposter syndrome? Feeling like just about everyone else is actually living their life and you are just constantly trying to get there? Not it terms of jealousy or envy, but like legitimately feel as if your life isn't really being lived.

Haiku: Sweet little kitty
Playing with a ball of yarn
You are loved so much

So I had my first therapy appointment on Wednesday. I'm 36 and finally coming to terms that I need help processing my childhood. Within 15 minutes the therapist asked if my mom has ever been diagnosed BPD. I said no but she read the the DSM characteristics and she hit almost every one.

That night and the next day (Thursday) I felt like a weight had been lifted. I felt validated and like I could put a title on everything.

But yesterday and today, I have been a ball on anxiety. I haven't had a panic attack in years and today I had a massive one. I almost called 911. Luckily, it passed and I'm fine but I just feel hungover (I don't drink).

Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you manage the fluctuating moods/emotions? I have another appointment scheduled next week so I will bring this up at that time also. Thanks for any and all thoughts!