r/raisedbyborderlines

Haiku:

Soft paws, watchful eyes,
Grace in every quiet step—
Cats teach us stillness.

I'm genuinely about to lose it. I F(21) have been having issues with my alcoholic mother. I'm very frustrated right now, and just need someone to relate. I'm having a hard time with both of my parents and my living situation is so tough to get out of. I have two disabled brothers - both with level 3 Autism and have severe cognitive impairment. They are now 16. They still pee, poop, walk naked around the house, and stem constantly. I wake up around 6:30 AM every morning to help my mother clean the house completely before my brothers in home RBTs come in around 40 hours a week. I also usually get their breakfast and lunch made everyday.

My mother is an alcoholic, she drinks a pint of vodka everyday and has suffered withdrawal seizures, but refuses to stop. I try to manage her behaviors on top of dealing with my brothers, but I'm feeling immense burnout along with completing college work. I found out one of the RBTs has been having an affair with my mother for about 3 years now, and my mother has been lying to me about going to "doctor appointments", which are really just hotel rooms. She came home Monday night after an affair date with no shoes on, hair disheveled, and stumbling around. I'm pretty sure she drove drunk/high. About a month ago, she got the idea at 7 PM that she needed to get my brothers a haircut and drove them in the car drunk around the neighborhood. I had to flag her down and tell her to immediately step out of the car. Her behavior is so erratic, and completely takes up my free time. I'm so tired at night that I just crash, and I find myself very pent up and unable to let loose.

She drags me to these concerts and bars, telling me that she's going to find me a boyfriend, when in reality, she's just wanting to satisfy her need of traveling back in time to her 20s. She never matured emotionally, and will often go up to people and tell them how quiet I am, and try to tease me like some kind of mean girl. I know I'm probably uptight, but I think trauma made me this way. I have so much to worry about, and I can't seem to get a break. I'm an artist, and almost every friend that I've had growing up was never good enough; always too quiet, or not popular. I had to give up an opportunity to advance career wise yesterday, since she told me she was going to the doctor, but she ended up buzzing the entire day and bothering the shit out of me. Calling me to come downstairs every hour and just sit in the same room while she does work. I even got my brothers + our pets dinner made and she didn't want me going to take a bath since my dad wasn't home yet and she wanted somebody to talk to. This is despite me being downstairs with her for the past 2-3 hours. This makes it very hard to complete any schoolwork.

I can't even get a job since a legal adult needs to be at the house to monitor the RBTs. This is either my mother or I, and she often tells me that she's looking for a job since my family is in debt from her reckless spending. I'm having a hard time seeing her perspective since she acts like I'm an incapable baby in social situations, and will compare me to other kids who are able to travel, make career choices, and have an easier life while also expecting me to come home and manage her emotions + take care of my brothers. It seems like she has to tag along to every social situation, and if it doesn't fit her standards, then I'm not going. I feel like shit about myself and have tried my best to be a good daughter, just yesterday I went out to get her a pint of vodka since I was running errands. If I don't get her alcohol, she gets all pissy like a 5 year old.

She expects me to go to law school, medical school, or optometry school only. She keeps pressuring me into different career options - making me change my major three different times which has now resulted in an extra year of schooling. I finally ended up on public health and wish to pursue my career in community outreach/environmental science. This would be a lot less stressful and allow me to pursue my passion part time of painting/drawing on the side. On the car ride home yesterday, she started yelling at me saying "I can't believe you won't go to law school" "I'll just adopt some poor black kid and pay for them to go to law school, maybe then they would be grateful and take over everything for this family" "you know, I'm really fucking pissed off at you because we're paying for your schooling" "do you not want to earn money?" "you've just changed so much, what's happened to you?". The only thing I'm trying to do is establish boundaries.

My parents have not paid for my schooling and have had me put everything on loans right now with the promise of them paying it back later. The reason I don't want to go to law school is because I've already decided against it during freshman year. It's boring and I don't think I can take on more stress. I'm suspected to have two different autoimmune diseases from the amount of stress that I'm dealing with.

Now today, she's comparing me to her friend's kids and how much they've accomplished compared to me. How they're pursuing higher education, traveling, how much they're making salary-wise and having all this fun. I don't understand what I've done wrong, I've sacrificed so much in my life and this is what I get? Here's a screenshot of a text message she sent me, I literally went on a walk for 30 minutes and she starts blowing up my phone asking where I am. I can't grow or become an individual person without her monitoring every move, asking me where I'm going when I head out, and having to schedule any event outside of the house days beforehand.

Hope you enjoy the bullshit lol!