u/Turbulent-Listen8809

What is this particular type of thing happening it really confuses me

So I’m a 35 year old woman and yesterday I confronted my mum about a really high amount of alcohol bottles I found in the recycling as I’m concerned as she is on heavy opioids aswell, I also found cigarette receipts but wtf do I care about that just more so the lying about it (smoke up honestly idgaf)

I approached it very nicely and she said I was attacking her and accusing her she flip flopped between denying everything to kind of giving truths.

About the ciggs (again wtf do I care but it just plays into sneaking around behaviour that goes hand in hand with the drinking) she kept asking me ‘oh do I smell like it’ I said no but I have this receipt and she was like oh if you have a receipt show me (lol she’d probably take it from me) I was just like are you smoking and she kept on being like prove it, I said so this receipt isn’t yours and she’s like oh I only tried it once like a year ago lol it was a receipt for 2 huge packets so just changed up her story once she knew I had evidence I said this receipt is from 2 months ago and says ‘oh it FELT like a year ago. Bruv do you think I’m born yesterday and why are you acting like a caught teenager and not a mother.

Again I don’t care about ciggs but why is she acting like a teenager being caught by a parent, she is just a habitual lier and it’s like how can this lady be my mum she has gaslit me my whole entire life and I finally felt like wow I have proof of something I suspected for a long time and she chooses to lie and gaslight over having a relationship with her daughter. She said I’m attacking her for being concerned about drinking huge amounts whilst on heavy opioids, I said any normal daughter would be.

She’s hinted at suicide before indirectly before and she said then she hates her life and she has nothing and this is why she’s drinking.

Then we went into a tyrade where I was trying to get her to stop gaslighting me and shutting me down she then said she was upset to hear this and she has feelings to and that she is hurt 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🫠🫠🫠🫠

Anyway she has many brothers and sisters who are all so amazing and I watch the relationships that they have with their children and they are beautiful I know that this relationship I have with my mum is not normal

Ye anyway at that stage I reverted to a child and was begging her to hear me

End of rant sorry if all over the place

What do you think?

???

For example I got married, and she literally was so dismissive , I had my wedding dress delivered by mail and I said holding the box I received it and she said nothing and started talking about something else. But when I faced an illness similar to what she had she was so incredibly sympathetic and listening and talkative about that topic, I now have recovered from the illness and she can hardly make a conversation.

What is this?

What do you think? Most jobs you get mental downtime but as my 7 years as a dev it was straight out of the gates most days and you had to be thinking on really complex issues personally my brain just kind of put up its hands up and said no I’m outta here I’m unemployed as a dev now but working some hospitality gigs here and there it feels so nice not to use my brain

??

Constantly feel guilty for how messed up I feel considering it maybe wasn’t that bad.

Backstory mum has possible bpd, waif/witch variation, I grew up an only child, dad left before I was born and met him again when I was 13.

It’s so hard to put my finger on but pretty sure my mum has displayed pretty disturbing behaviour. She is the classic ‘I must be the worst mother in the world’ type when I bring up anything.

My mother was allowed to have all the feelings, below are some examples of such feelings or experiences, I wasn’t allowed them if I got angry she got more angry sometimes till she was shaking and spit came out of her mouth.

Anyway here’s some things which felt out of place:

- when I was 6 or 7 she told me I might have to take the wheel on a highway because she was having a panic attack (don’t remember any aftercare for this towards me) I understand and am empathetic towards panic disorders but she was often mean during this and has no care about how it might effect me as a child

- I would have to be her escort through crowded places or cities as she would get dizzy so when we were out she would hold onto my arm, I was a child

- when she had a panic attack she would sometimes say why I was doing this to her if I didn’t exactly care for her in the way she wanted like knowing she might having a panic attack driving on certain roads or taking her to to crowded places

- when I met my dad for the first time I was very stressed and didn’t know how to regulate myself I heard her say she stops eating when she’s stressed figured it’s a good idea, got an eating disorder, she also became pretty thin at the same time family members were worried about her she was getting so thin, she never bothered to ask how I was actually feeling I know this is fucked but it almost felt competitive she was doing that??

- when I lost my v card I dunno why but I told her maybe because I thought it was the right thing to do (probably due to enmeshment) she went into the bathroom and started smashing things in anger.

- her long term partner told me on a night they went out whilst she was drinking she tried to open the door whilst they were driving because they were fighting (suicide threat covertly?)

- after us talking about a family friends suicide that happened after an argument with his wife, the next thing she said is ‘gosh I don’t know what I would do if we had a big fight…’ (covert suicide threat?) also often says ‘I don’t care if the plane goes down that I’m flying on’

- constantly the victim, always some kind of tragedy resulting in her hysterically crying, sometimes she’d make out like she’s dying like having a thyroid nodule she basically made out like it was cancerous, or she had a small skin cancer she had to get burnt off or some kind of pollup? In her cervix, so made out like she would die, 20 years later she is fine, well besides she has central pain syndrome from a workplace injury and ptsd she says from workplace bullying she is now on disability and severely depressed… well more then what she was before.

- I look on a lot of other families and it looks so fun and easygoing my mum seems genuinely depressed most of the time I guess she was often the victim the poor single mum but I dunno what a burden I felt like

- I found some cards I written her that were so caring and empathetic saying I’m so sorry mum your going through such a hard time etc, I have no idea what it possibly could of been, probably just all the exaggerated tragedies

- often would see her screaming at the top of her lungs and crying in fights with other adults such as a boyfriend and my aunty (who were really nice) also she’s about 30-35 at this stage which is around my age which is fucked I would never act like that

- would love bomb me telling me she loves me like 20 plus times a day, then on other days silent treat me and darvo me

- she was a pastry chef and one time I wanted to make macaroons to sell at a market I made some and she said they were not good enough to sell at the market instead of teaching me how to do it when pushed why she wouldn’t teach me she said baking is ‘her thing’ and she wanted me to find my own thing in some weird fucked competition way

There’s ALOT ALOT more but there’s a lot here

After all this I feel severely stunted I tried to be as normal as I could be but it resulted in me being very anxious and ocd as a child, as a adult incredibly desperate for connection socially just off the mark I would say I’m extroverted but emotionally am so dependent on people liking me it consumes me, I’m quick to anger and feel totally all over the place in terms of identity feelings and basically feel like a 15 year old, I’m 35 now.

Sorry for the rant just want to get a perspective on if how I turned out is valid or I’m just fucked

I am just having trouble coming to terms with this