u/Illustrious_Tip3168

My dad always wants quality time and argues that me and my siblings don’t care about him or love him because we don’t spend enough time with him. 

I’ve told my dad that if they want a different relationship with me, beyond practical support, then I need him to access professional help. Closeness and quality time isn’t something that someone can just decide they want. They have refused to access help and I feel at a stalemate. 

We often have a pattern of things being ok for a while, then something happens and it all blows up (name calling, big emotions, silent treatment for weeks, suicide attempts) and then the cycle continues. It feels like the bad parts are getting more regular as my dad ages. 

When things are ok, it is manageable. When it is bad, it is awful and has a big impact on me. I’m not sure what I’m looking for but just wanted to share and see if others relate. 

Cat haiku: Sleep for ten long hour, Eat a tiny bit of food, Scream for open door

I've just got married and it was a lovely day, but there was so much wedding drama with my mum alongside it and I think I need to vent! Would be grateful if anyone can relate or has similar experiences.

Cat Haiku as my first post: Soft paws on your face,
Wake up and feed me right now,
I will knock things down

- My mum had two/three meltdowns the night before the wedding. Inferring that she wanted to kill herself and calling my sibling names, saying no one loves or cares for her. Lots of tears +++ before calming down like nothing had happened.

- Really intense messages before the wedding sent to me and my partner about how they love us so much etc.

- My friends had created a photo book with lovely messages inside and my mum started crying on my friends that there wasn't enough photos of family. My friends managed to calm her down before they gave me the book. They were understandably really shocked. She normally keeps these meltdowns to immediate family and I'm so angry that she put my friends in that position.

- She hasn't said anything nice about the wedding afterwards. You'd think it was an awful day from talking to her (it was lovely!). She made a cake for the day (after she made a fuss about not being included) and then she has only spoken about how I didn't cut it so no one ate it, asking whether people liked it, how much it cost to make.

- She was overheard telling guests the amount of money she contributed to the wedding

- She kicked off before about not doing a speech and I caved (regretfully). The speech was fine to the outsider but for me, lots of the stories involved me looking after her as a kid. She was overheard moaning to guests about having restrictions on her speech (which she didn't even listen to!).

I'm so angry. My relationship with mum can be good, but then can be really bad. I'm finding it confusing how my mum was supportive in lots of aspects e.g. giving us money towards the day, helping set up, which is lovely, but I find it exhausting trying to navigate and knowing which mum I'm going to get. I want to try and put in some more boundaries as this feels unsustainable. Feels particularly painful around a wedding. I'm so done. Do others find big events particularly difficult?