u/summersky-lovely

I won’t get into to many specifics, but i recently realized something i didn’t know how to put into words. My ubpd mom jas always had a pattern of actively pushing me into issues in life that she always spared herself from. Often, under the guise of needing my help instead of getting the appropriate support. But she especially did this when she could no longer exploit me because i had a burn out. Or when she felt, it could be useful to her or someone she knew. She’s once tried to make me sign contracts that would bind me to agreements and responsibilities less than favorable. I declined but not before a significant guilt spiral. But when a family member, years later, tried to tie HER to a legal obligation she had the sense NOT to take that on and look out for her own interests. It bothers me that she actively tried to, and sometimes successfully, push me in compromised situations, socially, safety financially etc. I always had it in my brain that she didn’t do it on purpose. But then she’d know to protect herself from those exact situations perfectly fine. So she in fact has discernment. And the evil part about it..?? She would talk to me about those situations and sometimes say, i don’t want what you have going on. Yea the situation you pushed me into..?? Ughh. Or just talk about how a situation almost ended in a bad situation but she got spared while she knows im actively in a that situation myself or trying to rectify the consequences. All while acting like a sweet innocent lady. She’s just so emotionally cruel. Just someone in your life constantly creating suffering just to taunt you about it while pretending They are the victim so they can’t possibly be the cause of any harm. So scary.

I get very angry when i encounter this. My ubpd parent has caused and is still causing a LOT of damage and as i look for resources to help me recover from the damage, i keep running the narrative that they didn’t do it on purpose ( which id argue they often do) or they were traumatized themselves and that i still need to have compassion. These are the exact things that were used to keep me in the abuse in the first place. Im done with compassion! That emotional resource has run out and justifiably so. It’s horrible that emotions where turned into a resource in the first place by these toxic people. Ive even visited spaces where they tolerate the people who caused harm to say their piece and they get so much validation, which is why i appreciate this space. Why can’t we accept that we can’t always end up with a hand shake and cumbaya! That sometimes the best thing is to separate, even though that is still a work in progress for me personally. I DONT HAVE to be understanding! this is about ME for once. I need space for my justified anger and grief to fully be allowed WITHOUT consideration for the bpd or abuser. And where their abuse came from has NOTHING to do with me and isn’t relevant to me. EF THEM. EF MY ABUSERS! This also happens in a lot therapy spaces this “ neutral” both side of the story approaches does NOT help when objective harm was caused!

I sometimes want to leave to a whole different country and chance my name/ identity to get a new start in life. While i probably will never go to that extent, i do often think about moving further away for obvious reasons. Did you actually do that? And what changed for you when you did? I often hear that you shouldn’t “ run away” from your problems but i think that life can get so complicated that those types of sayings lose meaning quick.

We don’t have to explain why we don’t want kids BUT here are some of mine just for fun

This list only became longer as i grew older. Lol.
As a kid, i saw the hassle of adults with kids and decided i didn’t want that. Simple
THEN, i learned where babies came from and said, noop im NOT doing that.
As i matured i learned more about myself.

I don’t like engaging with people who can’t regulate their own emotions and behaviors… guess who most of those people are, kids.

I don’t want to be responsible for guiding someone through their emotions AND help regulate their emotions. Guess who’s job it is to do that, a parents.

When people say they want a baby, they really do mean a baby, as if that is the fixed state of it’s existence. I think about a developing person that I will be mentally, emotionally and financially responsible for, for like the next 20 years and probably longer in this economy. I don’t want to make that investment.

As i entered adulthood, i realized how many (repetitive) decisions one has to make in this life and i sometimes have decision fatigue. I REALLY don’t want the added mental load of constantly making decisions that affect the outcome of another life. While some parents have expressed liking the feeling of control and purpose it gives them, i just think about how it could impact a human life.

I like quiet. When i moved in my own place, i realized that having a place of peace and quiet, away from the chaotic and sometimes scary world, is absolutely priceless to me. I do like companionship but on MY terms. Not at 6 am with kids jumping me awake 😂

Sleep is invaluable and that only increases as you get older. Ive seen how parents wake up…Once you have kids you will NEVER sleep the same, not only because they physically keep you busy. But because mentally, their safety always keeps you alert even when you sleep. Sleep, DEEP sleep, is just something i don’t want to ever give up.

I don’t want to center my identity around another person. Even when you think it won’t change you, it will. If not because of the obvious responsibility, the raging hormones will force you to shed who you once were and make you center the kids. To the point you won’t enjoy other things because you emotionally can’t separate from them even a little bit. I don’t like that.

I don’t want to worry about how my partners choices could affect a hypothetical kid if it ever turned out he wasn’t who i thought he was. You can’t control another person and that is part of the risk you take when choosing to share your life with someone. Id rather take that risk by myself.

That being said, i want to choose a partner based on what i want and need in a companion. Not based on what a 3rd party needs.

Kids/ babies hurt you. Yes they do. Not (always) on purpose. Ive known people who had their earlobe yanked clean in half because a kid grabbed onto the earring. And they loose their cute REAL quick when that happens. Their tantrums can cause painful accidents to you. I once got a headbud in my face while holding my sibling who was having a tantrum and it HURT. There was no way to prevent it, it was THAT unexpected. I have many more examples. It’s a common occurrence and a very underrated downside.

It’s the reason why many women stop wearing jewelry QUICKLY and cut their hair. It’s not just practical. It’s a safety concern for YOU. As a fashionista, id have to give up a huge part of who i am as a woman. I won’t.

The social validation isn’t all it’s cracked out to be. Sooner than later it turns into annoyance because you are often an inconvenience as you bring bagage everywhere.

I realize what id have to give up socially, in terms of spaces i can frequent… we have all seen the complaints of the people who refuse to accept their new life. I’ll pass.

I don’t like the world enough nor do i feel safe enough here, to bring another life into it.

I failed to keep the list short i just couldn’t help myself. And there is soooo much more where all that came from😂

I have slowly come to accept that this. I heard somewhere that it takes 7 attempts to leave an abusive romantic relationship, i wonder how many times it takes to fully disengage from an abusive parent. She has always asked me how im doing just to interject why she REALLY asks the question, which is to vent and emotionally drain me. It’s become so obvious because she won’t even let me finish answering HER question😂. She recently did that, while im in a medical crisis, after ive asked her many times to STOP talking/ venting to me about problems after she said it’s normal for people/ family to talk about stuff 🙄. I guess she thinks that doing it for 15 minutes is better than doing it for over an hour like she always did before. She dumps and then bounces. I try to interrupt that by bringing up another topic, like how im actually doing, but she is so aggressive with her pushy venting behavior that it becomes another weird draining competition for who gets to have space in the conversation. I use to be sad when she crossed a boundary AGAIN. Now it’s just something i laugh about, something that confirms that i see things clearly and was right about going LC to protect my peace.

Sooo , ubpd mom confessed that she knew that she would pass down a debilitating disease. All the times that i was neglected surrounding my health… all the times when i showed symptoms and was neglected… all the times i was called lazy and told to just exercise… this lady just hoped id get so sick that i would never be able to leave it seems…

I haven’t been able to hit a lot of milestones in my life due to the disfuntion of both my parent’s and that has become more and more embarrassing over time. Combined with my Ubpd mom, constantly creating embarrassing moments in my life, i feel like i live in constant shame and embarrassment. Is it typical for rbb people to feel constant shame or that feelings if embarrassment are easily triggered? How did you get past this extremely tiring and mentally tasking mental state. Is it internal or do i just need to start hitting conventional milestones.

Ubpd mom has actively tried to sabotage my education. From playing up her tantrums during finals and exam periods, to telling me that ,as a girl, i don’t need to go for higher education/ actively discouraging me every time i tried to take a step.

I had to pause my education because of multiple reasons and now im at a point where im phasing out of traditional scholarships due to age. All of the sudden, she’s emphasizing to how important education is to young women... But i remember her seeming jealous everytime i had academic succes ( as i got older). But now it seems that she thinks she successfully got me in the same place she feels stuck in.
She’s also much nicer and willing to be helpful. Im planning on picking up where i left off after i get other things sorted out in my life. I want to get to a better place financially just out if spite, as she’s weaponized that part my entire life. But it’s just such a disturbing observation…

YET men have the SAME complaints once their wifes actually have their babies!!!!

I once stood in line to get food and there was a family of like 5..?

The husband started checking me out, which made me uncomfortable. Then i saw him look back at his wife back to me. It got pretty obnoxious. Then i overheard him saying, in a annoyed tone, man you really let you self go….. I looked away but from the corner of my eye i could see him pointing to me as an example. Mind you, i was definitely a few years younger than her and ive never given birth. Also I saw like 3 young kids which means she gave birth back to back, girl yikes. Oohhhh and get this! he was BIGGER THAN HER!! What is HIS excuse.

Omg i get so angry thinking about it. Imagine tying yourself to an ungrateful PIG by having his babies and becoming dependent on him. This is yet another thing a cf women will NEVER have to deal with.

I wanted to say something but then decided i didn’t want to get involved. I go my delicious order, that i didn’t have to share and could eat in peace, and left.

Soo, the title says it. It’s their life ofcourse but i was a little disappointed. It’s nice to see fellow cf people live their life and it feels a little awkward when they change their strong stance because they met someone who, apparently can change their mind. It kind of validates the bingo we cf people often get “ well what if you meet someone who wants kids”? Everyone is allowed to live their life the way they desire and even change their mind about things. Being cf is not a cult but a person choice. But in a world that is pushing so hard to change us, i do feel something when i see another one “bite the dust”, even though it’s not completely fair to feel that way. Life isn’t about proving a point to others.

First meeting with the gyno was horrible. She was hostile and didn’t even want to consider getting me an mri and only wants to do an echo and/or lap. Mom thinks she may have left a bad impression ( ya think) and that people deserve a second chance. I personally don’t feel the same way. What do you think?

The health care system is completely trash where i live and it’s prolonging the time i am sick and need help. Ive been bedridden for what feels like eons and social services are constantly failing. So im back to the point where i have to ask ubpd mom for help. There was a time i really wanted her around but that was when i still saw her from a childs perspective. Im grown now and see who she’s truly been to me and i wish i had the independence to completely disengage. Ive been having nightmares about her and people LIKE her who don’t want the best for me. Finally being emotionally stable enough to disengage from her abuse yet physically (and therefore financially) to depend to take action is my personal hell.

There’s really nothing to say about this situation so don’t feel obligated to respond or give advice. Im just miserable rn and needed to put it somewhere.

Would be fun to discuss movies that depict these dynamics even when they’re not actually about that. This has spoilers but details are minimal as possible.

The kid is an AI in the movie. Something created to have a consciousness, enough to give what the user wants, but not aware enough to ever grow into an actual individual with personhood. Something bpd parents often desire.

In the beginning it was obvious the kid was just there to be emotionally used to satisfy the parents. The mom, to ease her grief: this translates to my real moms emotional wounds. The dad: to keep his wife controlled or pacified. irl an enabler or ncp dad.

Then the boy gets scapegoated. There is a phase in the movie when he ( Ai kid) gets a sibling. The sibling is the actual kid of the parents. He fell ill but later got better and was able to go home. There is something to be said for the fact that they replaced their first kid. The real kid is the golden child while the AI kid gets scapegoated. They start to compete for the mothers love, a dynamic very common between siblings who have ncp/bpd parents.

Later the Ai kid gets disregarded when he no longer serves “his purpose”. This can be compared to the reality that, once you individuate, you are no longer interesting to the bpd parent and that is when the emotional abandonment happens.

After the emotional abandonment he goes on an endless journey to get her love back, only to find that he’s been chasing something that was never truly there…at least not the way he needed. During this journey, he is vulnerable and constantly seeks for safety, a need that is hardly met. There are other characters who bring to mind that maybe, what he is looking for doesn’t exist. But he can’t accept this.

He finally arrives at his true maker and learns that he was created by a freaking maniac. This is very much parallel to when i met my “ imposter mom”. I was looking for love from the woman i remember as a kid but the person i was seeking it from at present was completely different.

He learns that he isn’t unique or special at all. That he was manufactured , like many others, for the purpose of being used and discarded. This truth is to painful for him and he even says, quote: this is to much for my brain. He disassociates.

But the boy never snaps out of his obsession with the love he seeks from his mom. If anything he goes deeper, looking for a way to be loved by her. Always looking, always yearning for it. He never became his own person… even when the older character who journeys with him , for a while, tries to encourage him to move on and that was scary to watch. The older man could be seen as part of him trying to adult and move beyond his mother. But Eventually, he gets trapped in his unprocessed grief with his sole wish to be good enough…for a love that was never there. From a person whom would never give it.

I personally feel the movie could have stopped there but it didn’t. After eons he is finally found by some beings who granted his wish but they were limited in what they could do.

When he finally got his wish granted, he was adultified. Being the one to tippy toe around the mothers delicate mental state. He became her caregiver. catering to her needs in ways SHE should’ve done for him. She even says quote: im the one that should put you to bed, but left him to take care of her anyway. It wasn’t the love he needed and deserved. He still had to sacrifice for it. But for him, it was better than nothing. It was the best he could get from her.

Now, the mother in the movie is never overtly violent. She, in her own way, is treated unfairly at some point. The company and her husband take advantage of her grief for their own gain. But in no way, does that ever excuse the choices she made to emotionally exploit this boy… a person who would live on LONG after her and the consequences of her actions towards him.

In the end, the movie wasn’t about the mother or the father. It was about a kid who was surrounded by unsafe, unstable, irresponsible dangerous adults. A person who sought for their needs to be met in a place they’d never find it. A person who’s trust and pure love was exploited and betrayed for the selfish gain of adults, then discarded and left to deal with the psychological consequences.

The importance of letting go, the last step of grief, has never been depicted so clearly as in the ending of the movie. But that is a spoiler ill spare those who want to watch it. If you have seen this id love to know your take. If you still have to watch, you can come back later ofcourse share your thoughts.🍀

Im not going to be nice in this post so…
SM = social media

Personally id feel more like a woman if i finally had the ability to get a hysterectomy because id be able to be myself again, in terms of health, and be more carefree. And you know why?!? Because MY identity as a woman is made up out of MORE than just the ability reproduce! That is why! Ive been looking for support groups to give me tips and resources around hysterectomy and all i get in those groups are women sobbing about how they feel like less of a woman because they got an organ removed…or women who are now insecure about losing dating/ mating value to MEN, of all things to be concerned about, i just can’t with the lack of self esteem and dignity like, girl!!! The procedure saved your LIFE!! In many cases.

idc how other women view themselves because i have no interest in controlling others but the self loathing becomes so obnoxious in those spaces that it does start to feel like projection. There is often sourness if you don’t feel the same way…. Many men only see value, or mostly, see value in women based in our ability to reproduce ( regardless of how we personally feel about it) and that is annoying and harmful BUT i don’t need women to AD to this narrative SH*t.

Also, whenever i look up hysterectomy on certain SM platforms NOTHING shows up OR something about having babies shows up. The exact opposite. Can we adres that media is forcing babies in our faces from EVERYWHERE? like, every commercial i see on tv or sm is about babies and big bellies or trying for a baby. The more i press , NOT INTERESTED, the more they appear! Even on content that has nothing to do with all that. feels like collective harassment and it’s unnerving.

Soo how do you experience job prospects and looking into therapy or having gone to therapy in the past. I am pretty private about my personal life and i don’t think jobs get to know all of your history etc. But i am interested in this job and red up on the assessment process. It’s a serious job with a lot of responsibilities , in air traffic, and basically they will assess you medically and psychologically. I had some bad experiences in the past with therapist looking to work through some things and maybe i want to go back later but that might undermine job opportunities. How do you navigate that.

Voor context, ik ben 29 jaar en Ik ben gediagnostiseerd met endometriose. Nu al
2 jaar bedlegerig door ernstige menstruatie EN lichamelijke klachten. Heb moeten stoppen met studeren en werken en kan eigenlijk niks. Heb jaren behandelplannen gevolgd, zoal anti - ontstekingens dieet, sporten en bewegen etc. Ook hormonale behandelingen waardoor (pijn)klachten alleen maar erger werden EN ik kreeg er meer klachten/ bijwerkingen bij zoals slapeloosheid wat resulteerde in hallucinaties wat heel eng was. Ik heb de mentale, fysieke EN emotionele kracht niet meer om nog proefkonijn te zijn en wil gewoon van deze zieke baarmoeder af. Ik wil mijn leven terug.

Ook wil ik van de traumatische klachten af. Ik heb maandelijks dat ik flauwval en dan niet alleen van de ernstige bloedarmoede maar ook puur doordat de pijn voor mijn lichaam te veel is. Mijn haar is uitgevallen door alle ontstekingen en bloedarmoede. Ik heb brainfog en kan vaak niet goed mijn gedachten op een rijtje zetten en heb constant hoofdpijn. Zo kan ik niet meer leven. Ik hoor van dokters steeds het excuus is dat ik te jong ben en mijn gedachten over kinderen nog kan veranderen. Mijn reactie daarop: ook al zou ik ze willen ( wat absoluut NIET het geval is) in deze staat zou ik toch nooit voor kinderen kunnen zorgen dus wat in godsnaam is die gedachtegang. Daarnaast is het niet aan de dokter om te bepalen of ik wel of geen kinderen zal nemen. Het is hun werk om mijn gezondheid te herstellen zodat ik weer een functioneert persoon kan zijn. En weet je waar ik ook veel te jong voor ben? Het gevoel te hebben dat ik op mijn sterfbed lig als 29 jarige…

She’s ubpd. My siblings are still in the fog and deeply enmeshed and im worried that they will become defensive when i tell them this. We often vent to each other about her, and i notice about myself that once i get started, i can get very roiled up and i forget to be carefull about what i say.

My relationship with my siblings is complicated because of ubpd mom. We will vent but the enmeshment with mom makes it difficult to fully trust each other. We always feel the need to remind each other not to tell mom about what the other said. Not because we expect malicious gossip or anything. But because mom has always had a way of making you talk to her about every detail about others, the conversations you had , the things you did. It’s how we grew up. I have de-enmeshed and im as LC as possible. But my siblings are not. I don’t want anything i said to accidentally get back at mom and her feeling threatened and isolating my siblings from me. One of them is so enmeshed that they are going to therapy together... and sometimes my siblings defend her while venting about her because they see her as a victim, like i once did. I don’t argue with their their views, i understand we all experienced her differently.

It’s also why i could use a therapist. I don’t want to emotionally exhaust my siblings like my mom did to me. I can get upset when i think about the injustice and i clearly have some things i need to process. What would you do?

Because i am dealing with a medical situation than involves my uterus, i am constantly subjected to bingos about having kids. More that i would usually be in regular life. Im constantly subjected to people (docters) taking it upon themselves to make the decision that my fertility is the most important thing that needs preserving and not my health.

I remember watching a short movie about a woman who was pregnant but didn’t want the child. She was put through psychological testing ( torture) and put in a simulation where she had the baby and was given the dreamiest scenarios which ofcourse emotionally affected her. Every time she came out of the simulation and said she still wanted the “ procedure” ( not sure if you can say the word) they asked her, are you sure? And put her back into the simulation to change her mind.

That is how im feeling right now. Every time i ask for permanent solution , because i already tried everything else, they keep bringing up kids and my fertility. It’s not up to the doctors to “ protect” me from potential future regrets. It’s up to them to help me get better! But i do find myself starting to second guess myself even though i KNOW i don’t want kids. Emotionally it is tasking constantly defend my cf status and my docters appointments turning into that. Added with the religious indoctrination i had to unpack. And my personal doubts about finding a partner, since i grew up in an environment where the most important thing a woman can do is to give a man babies. I have looked into the cf doctors list and hope that something will come out of it. Ill have to ask for a referral again. I am emotionally drained from this. Just had to get this if my chest. Are there older ladies here who had a similar situation and ended up getting their uterus removed, their lives back and lived a happy cf life? For context im 29. I just need to know im gonna be okay.

Ive been on different form of BC for 10 years giving me horrible side effect. This didn’t help me with my symptoms and i refuse to try more BC options which is my right. Ive been on anti inflammatory diets etc. I have always een active and lived a healthy lifestyle. None if that resolved the debilitating effects of my heavy periods. Ive been bedridden for 8 months, list my ability to go to school and work because of my symptoms and im still not getting access to a hysterectomy even though having a uterus that causes this is ruining my life and isn’t causing addictional harm to my body. Severe chronic anemia, hairfall, its triggering different forms of inflammation in my body. I have exhausted all options but they keep pushing BC ON ME. Is this legal? Can they do this? Is it possible to personally reach out to a doctor via email and get the procedure? I don’t have the energy to take legal action but if that is the only way…

Ive been dealing with debilitating periods that severely affect my quality of life and ive been advocating for more research and solutions beyond birth control ,which has not worked for me at ALL. The thing that is constantly coming up is that i am young (29) and they don’t want to do procedures OR treatments that can undermine my fertility. Even though it could help me get my life back. I always mention i don’t want kids so that isn’t a concern. Also i couldn’t care for kids in the condition im currently in even if i did want them, which i DONT. The response is always dismissive or ignoring my answers. Sometimes with a smirk…It sounds sinical but i think some people get off on denying women healthcare based on “preserving her fertility” to punish her for not wanting kids. Kinda like advocating for forced birth on a women ( or teen girl) to punish her for having and enjoying sex. Also in this climate it’s looking grim…