u/summersky-lovely

Ive done a lot of work to de- enmesh from mom but my siblings are not quite there. The last time i spoke to mom she was being nice and supportive which was unusual for the way she normally treats me these days, with obvious disinterest.

Then i got a call from my sister and it all made sense. They’ve been beefing. Sis was over mom and the therapist apparently did not meditate properly between them, allowing the conversation to escalate. I asked my sister why mom was even present in her therapy session. I suspect heavy enmeshment and controlling behavior from mom. Mom didn’t like it when i went to therapy because i stopped allowing her to come with. And she felt she was losing control over the narrative. me and therapist were talking about her. I am also super suspicious of my sisters“therapist” given the fact that he/she isn’t setting a boundary and i had my own fare share of negative experiences with therapist. They can be incredibly irresponsible when it comes to abuse dynamics. Especially with their “neutral” approach etc.

I advised my sister to take a step back from mom and focus on self. I was trying not to jump back into peace keeper mode or mediator mode but give a little advice and leave it at that. Later that week Mom called to complain and gossip about family but i didn’t respond to much and the conversation got defused pretty quickly. I am proud of the fact that i didn’t let them drag me back into that place. They are all adults now and make their own decisions.

I am loving all family from a distance right now (instead of going over there in person and emotionally exhausted myself) and intent on keeping it that way. My sister was pretty down and that did affect me. I gave her a pep talk and reiterated that she needs to take some space from mom. The worst thing to have in your ear when you are not in the best place is a bpd parent. Mom is a mayor reason for the misery so..

Its gross, especially with these temperatures. Everything goed bad so fast. I was always on top of cleanliness and now… i can’t maintain ish. Even myself its sooo indescribable.

So i have some fitness ambition’s but am in the process of getting surgery for my debilitating endo etc. I was wondering, are there any gym girls who had a hysterectomy and were able to get back to intensive workouts routines after the surgery without complications in the longrun? Of course after the healing period.

Ive been having many symptoms especially during flare ups. One of them has been pain when peeing and having to pee often. At first i was concerned it was pre diabetes but i was diagnosed with endo and learned that the disease can affect your bladder amongst other things. I fear endo has progressed because these symptoms have increased over the span of 1,5 years. Still waiting to get the invitation from the hospital and while i want answers, i am increasingly getting more concerned about what they might find when they eventually do the procedure. Do you have similar symptoms? Dos it say anything about how severe the endo is? Stage 2 stage 3 etc.?

Whenever i was looking for feedback too see if i was doing something right, my ubpd mom would withhold any reaction or emotions. It is a crucial part of a child’s development to get feedback from their parent when they learn to navigate new things in life. I heavily missed out on that emotional support. You would think it comes naturally to a parent to encourage their child when the kid clearly looks for cues in their parent. A Good job or you’re doing great would have sufficed. As i got older she would actively disrupt me during a learning process especially when i was starting to get it right. As i was navigating bigger life quests like choosing an educating or a career path she just completely withheld feedback when i tried to discuss these things with her. I would tell her my plans and had to actively ask her if she had any thoughts on the matter and if she was even listening. Shed often respond with a disinterested mumble that didn’t have a clear meaning. I stopped looking for feedback and i stopped sharing my plans with her. But i now deal with deep insecurities about my capabilities and skills. I often wonder, am I doing this right? Can i do this at all? I do often get positive feedback from peers, friends and older adults about skills that they notice about me. Apparently i am very strong in my communication according to many people. Which is funny since i felt very repressed in my ability to communicate with my ubpd mom. In any case,Its nice to hear but it doesn’t alleviate the self doubt unfortunately. Ive gotten those compliments in front of my mom and she never seemed very thrilled that others saw great qualities in her daughter. I think that is why i still can’t fully let it in when other people give me positive feedback. How do I overcome this. I don’t want it to withhold me from success. I don’t want the insecurity to become debilitating. I guess by doing things even if im insecure about my abilities..? I really don’t know right now.

This is a long one but id thought id share it anyway. I learned a lot about myself by writing this down and perhaps you can get something out if it too. If you’re in the mood to read a small book😄

This happened over the span of 3/3,5 years. .
TIMELINE for a clear picture.

Year one: meet ups mostly in group settings which happened a couple times that year not often.

Year two: more one on one meet ups. We met a total of 8-10 times irl. This includes anything from going to cafes, day shopping, sleep overs and going out to festivals and parties together. The rest of the contact happens over text.

Year three: I got a clearer picture of who she was and started disengaging/ LC.

When i first met her she was fun. A bit shy and seemed really sweet. Things were fine in the beginning but I started noticing some things I didn’t immediately write her off for, but i took note for sure.

— When we hung out in a larger group she’d gravitate towards me. But if we were with 3 people she would kinda gang up on me with the other person in a joking manner. I didn’t find it funny and pushed back ofcourse.

— She was different with me when we had one on one hang outs. We always had fun and we did become close. She started telling me how much she appreciates me and called me bestie which i went along with. It was nice to have a close friend again. She opened up about the fact that she never had a best friend before and she really would like to have one.

— Then these patterns showed up. Both hers and mines. I was able to course correct while her pattern of behavior toward me got gradually worse.

• She’d often confide in me about how other friends failed her, for example on her bday or in other situations. This triggered my overblown sense of responsibility for other people’s emotions and the need to “ rescue”/ be the reliable one, which i was trained to be to my own deterrent. Old pattern 1.

• She however, would always schedule meetings in a way that would inconvenience me in favor of her other friends. Example: id let her know when i was available and she’d always plan things in favor of her (let down) friends. She then would tell me to just plan around that. In the past i would have bent over backwards to make that work because i didn’t realize i could opt out of things that didn’t work for me. In this autonomous period of my life i was determined to prioritize myself so i just canceled without hesitation when she did things like that. It was refreshing to say NO. Course correct 1. She would get upset because she fully expected me to comply and I noticed how comfortable she was putting expectations and demands on me…

• She didn’t respect me as a person nor did she respect my individual personhood AT ALL. It’s almost like she expected me to move with her as one person and got upset when that didn’t happen.

• She would set expectations that she did not communicate. Then got upset when i didn’t meet set expectations. I told her she needed to speak her mind because i cant smell what she wants. My ubpd mom use to do this all the time too. Course correct 2: i didn’t allow her to make me feel responsible for her emotions. It was HER job to properly communicate with me and be open to my feedback.

• She opened up about family grievances ( not the same as mine but i could empathize)

old pattern 2. The tendency to over identify someone as a victim and making excuses for their harmfull behavior. Empathy does not mean i have to accept harm. Empathy ≠ lack of accountability.

• I opened up about some struggles and insecurities i had that affected me and potentially relationships if those struggles went unchecked. I explained that i was working on those issues and asked for specific support in those areas, understanding, fair communication and patience. I felt that being honest and transparent would be a good baseline for friendship. Course correct 3: i showed my imperfections/ vulnerability and asked for help. Instead of avoiding the problem.

In hindsight i think this conversation (with that particular person) made her feel like she could control me and that i wouldn’t stick up for myself. But she was in for a rude awakening because she met me at a time where i was building new habits for myself.
Course correct 4: I learned that being vulnerable doesn’t mean i am now defenseless or weak. How someone responds to my vulnerability says more about them. I can still set boundaries in my vulnerability.

• She constantly had something negative to say/ negging me, Very familiar. Everything could look nice in my home (or an outfit), and she would always point out the ONE imperfection or thing she didn’t like. I stopped inviting her over to my sanctuary, my home. I don’t need that energy there.
Course correct 5: I set a personal/silent boundary to protect my space.

• She would start a conversation about a topic by asking me a specific question about it, then if i gave the “wrong” answer she would snap out at me and then quickly revert back to normal which was creepy.

•That made me feel like i had to defend myself which became exhausting quickly.
Old pattern 3: To overexplain myself.

• She would show me inappropriate stuff and when i had a strong rejection towards that she got upset….

• She Punished vs rewards her “friends” based on who entertaines her stupid games. Example:
she gets of on playing dangerous games with guys who cross boundaries when going out. Then she will look at you as her friend to come rescue her from the guy only to get back to him to recreate the same situation two seconds later. I stopped helping her because i felt weird about what she was doing and it got draining.
Course correct 6: I don’t have to be the constant rescuer. I am NOT a rescuer.

Frustratingly, i was made the villain by a random group of girls (we met that evening) for not constantly protecting my friend as if im not ALSO A woman..!! While my friend played defenseless victim the whole time. Sidenote: I observe that dynamics amongst women and girls often enable bpd behaviors and enforce others to part take in the enabling. If you opt out or have strong boundaries, you are often shunned and labeled a bad friend.

I didn’t understand exactly what she was doing until it happened a second time. This time we went out with a 3rd friend which changed the dynamic. She did the same pattern with a guy but the friend completely played along and enabled her behavior by constantly saving her, only to then ENCOURAGE her to get back to it. I was completely disturbed but got a lot of clarity from observing them both. The enabler friend quickly became her favorite person and she would often act as if she didn’t hear me when i talked to her only to give me a super delayed response later on. And s nasty attitude. It was incredibly weird and disrespectful. Even the enabler friend noticed that and gave her a questionable look. The enabler friend got of on playing hero and being needed.

Sidenote: i do not condone the harassment of women by men who don’t behave themselves. That is NEVER justified period.

That being said, i have never seen such an unhinged paring. This is when I realized that she wasn’t just weird but potentially dangerous.

• And i was right about that last part. She physically forced me to engage with a guy i was visibly NOT interested in (at another party) by pushing me into him and she held me there while he started groping me. This happened so quickly i was completely in shock. Sidenote: What is up with women with bpd patterns intentionally putting other women in uncomfortable situations with men…anyone else noticed? Anyway I was completely done with her after that. The ultimate course correct!!

I went LC which meant, the only contact we had happened over text. I barely responded and never reached out first. Also Not engaging on social media, stories etc.

The last time i saw her was at a party of a mutual acquaintance. She ignored me and greeted everyone else. Fine. It didn’t bother me as much as she probably intended. I hung out with other people there. She finally came over to say hi and i decided to be cordial. She tried to get someone involved in cracking down on my outfit shortly after but that person didn’t play along. I was actually getting compliments throughout the whole evening.

Later that evening she loudly proclaimed her enabler friend, her BEST FRIEND making sure i could hear and i was honestly relieved. It may be cowardice of me but when i noticed her dynamic with the enabler friend, i saw a way out of her clingy/ claiming behavior. I continued to be autonomous, set boundaries and disengage. All the things she didn’t like. She’d eventually leave me alone and cling onto someone else. Ive now been NC for almost a year. Old pattern 4: I felt a little guilty about ditching her with no explanation lately but after recalling all of this?!? Absolutely NOT.
Course correct 8: I learned that people KNOW when their behaviors are harmful to others. I no longer infantilize and make excuses for grown ups.

I was no longer invested in that friendship and wasn’t interested in giving her a chance to deflect or gaslight. There are more details but you get the gist of what happened. I also noticed that as a mature adult, i don’t feel the need for a best friend anymore. Ive had a few troughout my childhood and teen years. But things are different now in a good way. Of course there will always be people in your life that you are just closer with but the borderline codependent concept of a bestie, which is often culturally enforced when we are small girls, is just something i grew out of and i think that is healthy. I am secure without applying that concept to my friendships now and i think that shows emotional maturity.

Looking back i would have liked if i had been more strict with her sooner but i choose to give myself grace. Course correct 9: I can’t control who someone turns** **out to be nor am I responsible for it. All i am responsible for is protecting myself as I get to know a person and set healthy boundaries where necessary.

I grew a lot since them and even in that “friendship” i noticed so much change in myself and i am proud of that. I hope that sharing this will remind people that you CAN disengage from weirdos. And you CAN course correct. Sharing this reminded me of that too.

Huge red flag!! and i was honestly so startled that i didn’t respond right away. Otherwise i would have told her that it felt incredibly inappropriate and insensitive that she would laugh about this. And that im uncomfortable moving forward with her but she is the only endo specialist at the clinic. It was a conversation on the phone and i honestly couldn’t believe that she laughed at me in the first place. I mean, what is so funny about your client telling you the she had become debilitated because of a disease YOU diagnosed her with?
I feel upset about it and just want another professional. She was going to refer me to a surgeon because what i am asking for is above her expertise. But she was being very gatekeepish about it saying things like.. well if they don’t find anything, surgery will be out of the question and well it will take a very long time, when she has connections and can make it go faster for me. She also told me i was too young for surgery so it should NOT be performed on me and that she/they want to preserve my fertility. Im 29 and told her numerous times i do not want kids.

I haven’t had confirmation of the referral, so part if me thinks she didn’t actually refer me to the surgeon. I send her another email a couple days ago to ask if the referral went well but no response yet. I hope i can just get past her with this referral and get someone with empathy who actually wants to help and thinks quality of life is more important. How did you document your symptoms to show clearly what is going to your surgeon?

Edit: thank you all so much for your responses they are very reassuring. Ill definitely advocate to get a better specialist.

What questions do you ask to know the surgeon is actually qualified to operate on you? I feel like you can obviously ask directly but you are dealing with a lot of ego and pride here. they don’t like to admit when they don’t necessarily have expertise in something. They’d rather put it back on the patient saying things like Oh , we cant find anything so there is nothing there… do they know what to look for..?

Soo the cramps started this year when my symptoms became so unbearable. I guess the endo became worse but i read on google that it can be a sign of adenomyosis… the gyno said she didn’t see adenomyosis soo idk. I asked for surgery but she said that if they can’t find anything when they take look i won’t get surgery even though my symptoms are debilitating so im nervous. I want the uterus out regardless of what they find to be honest.

Also, the BC does NOT make my symptoms better. It made my period MORE painful which defeats the point, but i dont think the endo specialist gyno believes me. i now have horrible backpain which i didn’t have before atleast not this noticeable. Painkillers are now somehow LESS affective than before, i don’t know how that is possible. They keep pushing me to keep using it as a solution but ive been on it for 6/8 months now… been on and off BC my whole life but due to depression i quit a few times and honestly, it never worked for me that well anyway. Im done with the poking.

Then last but not least, i just can’t seem to fall asleep at the appropriate hours anymore! I stay awake and fall asleep in the morning. Nomatter what i do or how tired i feel i just can’t fall asleep! It drives me crazy! Anyone similar issues? How do you deal with the insomnia.

After i learned that i can’t trust ubpd moms advice, It noticed that she ALWAYS tries to talk me out of doing things that the doctors suggest OR solutions i come up with myself. Its so eerie that a mom behaves like that. Someone who’s known you your whole life , just watching you up close and undermining your well being like that. When i was still in the fog, she would push me into compromising situations because of her “advice “ and then tell me she didn’t want to end up in those same situation whenever she needed a problem fixed for herself.

Ive been severely sick but am now recovering. She wasn’t there for me in that time even though i had told her i was bedridden. But the moment she had a health scare she called me and asked me to help her, mind you im still in my own recovery process. She said that she didn’t want to become, well essentially bedridden like i have been. I remember thinking what a B. I declined and hang up the phone. Im glad i changed so much. I didn’t think it was possible but i really changed. In the past i would have dropped everything for her and immediately assert the role of the sidekick putting myself in the background /self abandoning. But now i choose ME! She doesn’t want me better and kicks me with passive aggressive remarks when im down. She has always been anti medical help, anti doctors, anti medicine and anti painkiller. I had to unlearn that a LOT and i am doing much better with that. I take painkillers when im in pain. And i call the doctor when i need help. I advocate for my health. I do still drag it out with pain sometimes but it is much much better!

Ive been having painfull peroids ever since they first started when i was 12. Ever since, ive been sick for one week every month. My GP had always suspected I had endo since my mom has it too. Last year my entire life felt robbed from me and i gradually became bedridden because of the extreme symptoms and i was finally officially diagnosed with endometriosis. Ive also had fibroids in the past but the doctors felt they would disappear so they didn’t do surgery to remove it. Im 29 now and i have no quality of life. I absolutely HATE the idea of surgery and would do anything to avoid it but things are soo bad that those concerns are much less than my desire to the rib of my uterus and get my life back. The hormones only do so much. everytime the bleeding starts i take a huge hit. Its like moving 4 steps forward and 3 steps back. I cant do this anymore and feel extremely depressed. Ive been contemplating and i feel it is finally time to just let go of this organ. I want it out NOW. Its been causing trouble my whole life. I don’t want any children and never want to experience birth or pregnancy so im fine with not having the biological option to conceive. It would actually be a relief. But im concerned doctors will tell me im not thinking straight because of the pain, depression and How truly desperate i an timo get better. Ive also been told a hysterectomy is not typically an option for endo. And then there is the, you might change your mind and want babies, It’s kinda appalling that my health and quality of life isn’t fully prioritized just because of that. Also, I already know a hysterectomy is NOT a cure but it would help with the worst symptoms which is worth it to me. Especially being able to keep my blood (which nothing has been able to make happen yet) and fix the chronic and pervasive anemia which has caused a WHOLE slew of other issues with my health. Even IF i wanted kids some day… it wouldn’t be worth it for me to hold onto this organ with the way im living now. Im not holding out with such POOR quality of life for sake of maybe changing my mind one day which is not likely to happen. Im practically disabled and can’t work, study, hang out, I can’t keep up with regular self care or house maintenance!! And so much more. This needs a drastic change. Also how do you deal with the mystification of “the womb” and people making you feel like it’s a intrinsic part of being a woman to be able to give life. I grew ip in spaces where that was always heavily emphasized and it makes me feel super shitty.

Im recovering from a big flare up from a chronic disease i was recently diagnosed with and it’s kicking my but. Im not always able to show up socially and that can be difficult. Ive been doing well with communication after i went lc with ubpd mom but i recently relapsed. I met someone new (not friends yet or anything its super new) and they asked if i wanted to go to an event 2 weeks from then. I explained i was very sick and that i wasn’t sure if i had the energy to show up then but id keep it in mind.

I had a flare up again and was completely disoriented. And because i didn’t feel good in my body it also affected me mentally. I started having irrational fears if being yelled at over the phone and berated for confirming that indeed i wouldn’t be able show up. That the disappointment would send the person in a frenzy. So i didn’t get back to them.

I understand that a normal person wouldn’t go into a frenzy and definitely wouldn’t have the right to but the fear was intense and i haven’t had this in a while. Ive been doing well with communication, setting boundaries, not overstretching myself and just letting people know when i just can’t and leave their emotions for them to deal with. Im not responsible for others emotions and i know that now. But i had a moment of weakness and it just sucks that the fear, its still there. The damage she has done is so real and when i think of it i get angry. I had a talk on the phone with her ( ubpdmom) recently and as soon as i mentioned an interest of mine she just interrupted and changed the subject to something SHE finds interesting. She just doesn’t care about ME as a person and never has…her behavior has been so obvious now that im an adult. It stings.