u/Temporary_Donut_61

I'm wondering if this is just a me thing or if others experience it. Do you ever just have an inability to understand something no matter how many times it's explained? I have a humiliating secret that I honestly and embarrassed about and despite trying for years to fix it, I just never could.

If i think back i can remember struggling with math at around when they introduced times tables. I kid you not. I know this sounds ridiculous but I'm dead serious. I never felt like i understood them and they never really cared to explain until I got it. They moved on to other subjects. Since I never got the lesson then, it just compounded and compounded into this black hole in my learning. I'm not delayed or stunted in any other category of my academics but math is a pretty big one to just not 'get'. I never understood percentages and multiplying or dividing fractions And by the time algebra came around I was just like.. who the heck put numbers into math as if it wasn't already complicated enough? I was lost for years already at that point.

I went to remedial classes, different levels of tutoring back when I was in school, i just could never get it and almost feel like my mind shut the door on math and the possibility that I'll ever get it. I feel like i can understand easily how some adults never learn to read and harbor so much shame around it that they keep it a secret.

Now as an adult I can do some things easily, like simple fractions for cooking, like halving recipes. Little by little just picked up basic understanding of some percentages from going out to eat, out shopping.. just simple things like that and for the rest I always have a calculator in my pocket because of my phone.

It's this just a me thing?

My family created a rumor that I cheated on my partner. I'm wrecked. This is going to be a long one.

My mom has BPD and my whole life was a tailspin. It was hell. We were physically, psychologically and emotionally abused. Her choice of partner was explosive and abusive and further wrecked her mental health.

My life never really stopped spinning. There were years where I coped better and years that I coped worse. My childhood was spent seeing my family as potential saviors then slowly realizing how they too treated my mom poorly and could not be trusted. She would also affirm these things and tell me about how they'd treat her badly and I could see alot of it for myself but was always drawn because my mom wasn't a nice person to us either.

I went on this journey in my life in early adulthood of mending my family relationships and trying to strengthen ties as a now independent adult. This meant boundaries with the people who had hurt me but also building and learning people as my adult self as opposed to just 'child of my mother's. My relationship with mom quickly crumbled. She felt like i couldnt love her as herself and she resented that i expected her to change(how she interacted with me), with the straw that broke the camels back being my request to her:

"I love you but life is getting hard for me right now and my bandwidth is low. When you call me please ask me if I'm able to be your support in that moment, before you offload about every bad thing happening in your life and what you expect me to do about it. "

That boundary was apparently enough. She blew up and i closed up. My mom and I became estranged.

Now for my family I'd hoped that they'd embrace me. They knew her, knew me, knew a bit about how id grown up. There were alot of strange interactions with them. They'd call me and ask about my life. If share that i was depressed and having trouble and they'd say this like "and what about your partner, do they still love you?". These little comments would raise a little flag in my head like.. huh?.. why would a bit of depression make my partner not love me?

They'd give me advice against common sense. We were having an infant and had been spending so much money commuting and traveling and thought of buying a car and they advised us against it despite having one themselves. They'd be super friendly with my partner while cold to me and our child. They were outwardly very open to us as a couple but not to me as family. For that there was no connection or intimacy between us. They'd give me an unsettled feeling in my stomach just being around them. Like when you're isolated in a forest and hear an unknown sound. But I honestly don't know what's wrong with me.. I'm so pathetic and desperate that I ran through all of the red flags and just pushed forward. I invited them into our lives and tried to show up for them. My partner would tell me about things they said or did that were making him uncomfortable. An unmarried cousin with no normal contact with my partner messaged them out of the blue to try and meet them alone one day. They'd make other comments and gestures and partner would side eye me but would respect my choice to keep them around despite it all.

They'd tell me my friends werent trustworthy. They'd progressively make odd comments about my marriage, my weight, my goals and dreams. Insinuating that my doomscrolling online could be a sign of looking for other partners(wtf???). They always seemed to be around more to monitor my life then to actively be part of it. I STILL ignored my instincts and tried to build. I just thought to myself that i was getting remnants of their hatred of my mom. That they were projection onto me the same things that they'd say about my mom. She was promiscuous, crazy, volatile, irrational. And i thought that i could love them and be open until they saw me for me, because I'm nothing like my mom. I'm none of those things. I was sure they'd see it. None of this was a big enough red flag to me especially if they still loved me and said the words I wanted to hear, but It seemed more and more that they were really just bent on drawing parallels with my mom and i. It was getting to me feeling unseen and I was starting to believe them. Throughout this all im in therapy and discussing all of this weekly in much more detail to my horrified therapist.

I slowly realized that mom maybe didn't break on her own. She likely wasn't just born with BPD... she grew up with these people and they likely had a hands in what broke her. So I slowly realized I had on rosy glasses and that because of my hopes I wasn't acknowledging the red flags in my family and how they were treating me. I fought so hard to deny the damage it was doing to me mentally and emotionally but eventually I realized I was in a toxic swamp and needed out. I blamed myself and struggled alot with the decision but finally went low contact until it all died. Some trailed on for a bit until they realized that I was not providing access or detail into my life and they sure were never sharing with me so it just faded away. No big bomb of a fight or anything.

I could never understand why they were this way to me. I still dont but now, a few years later I'm with a new therapist. Its come up that I don't speak to anyone in my family and I've been hesitant to open the topic because I know im the common denominator and I honestly still blame myself in my heart. Like I should have just made myself smaller or let things go. Just keep the peace.

This has caused me to ruminate about everything again and what I could have done differently. And somehow all of these years later after ruminating on conversations and exchanges that happened years ago, i've started to see things differently. The one family member I had kept in touch with, my sister, had been making off comments during this time as well but less often and I could never quite connect it to make any sense. She would say things like "you don't deserve your life". Stuff that completely would break my heart and come from nowhere. They could never explain.

There'd be periods where we didnt talk until i would just pretend to be over what they'd say just to save the relationship. She'd be convinced of infidelity on behalf of her wife. They'd fight pretty viciously and id offer sis a place to stay and she'd say things like "I can't go there, what if my issues cause a problem between you and your partner".

I just couldnt understand? How could your issues affect my marriage? They'd say other things in this vein and a the only family member id speak to after estrangement with the rest of the family. I couldn't connect the dots. I finally realized my family has been creating rumors that I'm just like my mom, promiscuous, unfaithful. That i have been cheating on my angel of a partner. They'd ask been saying this and applying their rumors while watching my live and my interacting with my partner like a soap opera. That's why they felt 'in my life but apart'. That's why they were stand offish and judgemental but still invite us to everything. That's why they'd call me and ask about my life never sharing about theirs. I stress this to you, readers.

I ABSOLUTELY NEVER cheated on my partner. They know me inside out and I have been with them almost longer then I've been without them. I love them and have been fully committed to them always and I still am.

I cant understand how or why they did it? What did it stem from? And even worse? Why do i feel guilty??? Almost like the truth doesn't even matter if people all treat you like they know better and treat you as such. How can I prove i never ever did that? How can i prove it didnt happen???

Why would they put that on me? Only now through therapy have I been able to connect all the dots. And it all happened years ago. But I've been walking up at night all of these years later thinking of it. I don't think anyone at all is going to read any of this but if you did I'm sorry. I know it sounds all very one sided and it really is because they would all make comments under cover and no one every directly confronted me and connected the dots for me on why.

I feel shame and guilt and embarrassment for something i didn't even do. What do I do to make this happen to me and make when the people closest to me hurt me? And how pathetic was I to stay despite knowing that they didn't feel like safe people? I feel ashamed of myself and I hate it because I didn't do it but I know there's nothing I can do to prove it. THEY WANT TO believe this. They never brought it to me, asked, or questioned. They wanted it to be fact and because of that the real facts don't matter. And i guess it gave a reason to be cruel/cold/distant/competitive and judgemental towards me? It almost feels like they had nothing so chose to make something up. To have something that makes them feel superior to me? Like that makes no sense to me. But why?? Why would humans related to you.. family.. do this for no gain? Why make up a story? Is there the driving force to split us up, isolate me? What is it that I did to cause this? I wish they would just tell me?

I honestly don't understand. It has to be something in me and I hate myself. Even my own family doesn't love me.