u/GranatApfel33

I have shared here before about my uBPD mom causing scenes about my upcoming (now passed) wedding. We got married and it was beautiful and her attempts to make the wedding her event were unanswered. And now we are about to leave for our honeymoon. In 2 days.

Short context: I lived with my bf 8 years before getting married and almost every other day after the 3rd year, my mom verbally abused me, threatened to kill herself, and made my life miserable for not getting married and all of her conservative friends said bunch of horrible things, fill her up with nonsense and she carried all of them to me. There is one evil friend of her, lets name her Rose. Rose said the most horrible things to my mom. I encouraged my mom to confront her because she was way out of line and my mom finally said "you can't say things like this about my daughter" and Rose accused my mom with so many other things, they eventually come to an agreement and became best friends! yes you read it right.

Yesterday we had a call with my mom, I asked her not to share our beautiful video with her friend Rose. Because that woman caused me weeks of crying and short period of NC with my mom. After my request, she said "ah, I said horrible things to her, I hope she'll forgive me". The horrible thing in question was literally one sentence "you can't say things like this about my daughter" which is waaaay to kind for what Rose deserves and her apologetic behavior made my blood boil.
What about all the things she did to me!? What about all of those horrible comments about me being a shame to my family, being a whore, slut, disrespectful and ungrateful bitch. What about those suicide threats?! What about making my life miserable every single day. Especially earlier this year. I was not able to breath, she literally abused me. What about all of those?! She never had to worry about any of them, didnt even think about me forgiving her.
I remembered this sub. "The only way to win is to never play". Ended the call immediately.
But that feeling ate something inside me. I was so ready to burst, so full of anger and made a mistake. Wrote her some of the sentences she said to me:

1. "Your dad went to the cliffs again, you'll kill us."
2. "You’re afraid you won’t be able to act like a whore anymore, don't you?"
3. "Get marry now, it's okay if you get a divorce in a year. Just stop being a shame to our family."
4. "Me and your dad, we are crying everyday in your childhood bedroom, on your bed. You just want to kill us."

I've texted these 4 sentenced, all came from her just earlier this year, and I've especially selected the ones that is not so hardcore. She replied back: "So you are saying I should just die."
And she called, screaming, crying. When I asked her to not do this right before our honeymoon, she said "You are basically saying we forced you to get married, so your honeymoon is not even real." She then blocked me on everywhere, yelled me that she has to protect herself from me. And basically screamed so many other things.

And now, my chest hurts. I know this feeling too well. I haven't slept, I am broken, and I don't want to mess our honeymoon, I dont want to let her win, but I am lost. I am truly devastated. Yes its a good thing and must do to go NC, but it comes with a heavy heart, and I would really not want to face this decision right before going on a "relaxing" celebration of our wedding.
I know that if it wasn't this case, something else would pop-up and she'd made the whole thing about herself anyway. But I was careful. From zero to being blood-boiled took me just couple seconds.

I see so many people just enjoying life and the things I have to deal with sometimes makes me tear up. I don't know how to get this ache from my chest.

TW: no real physical damage but mention of it

In my latest therapy session, to describe my feelings about the latest fight with my uBPD mom, i said “her saying this, hurts more than the time she cornered me in the kitchen with a knife on her hand and threatening to do physical harm”.
Of course the therapist was surprised and asked me about that incident. And to my surprise, I don’t remember. I remember we were in the kitchen, i remember i was pushing her to the edge because i was trying to explain something even though she said she had enough. And i remember i was in the corner of the L shaped kitchen counter. I don’t remember the topic. I don’t remember if she already had a knife or she picked it up later on. I remember at some point she was daring me to continue speaking, while pointing the sharp edge of the knife onto her throat. I think she actually threatened to hurt herself if I continue to talk, but not me? I actually don’t remember. Why would she threaten me with hurting herself? Wouldn’t it make it more effective to threaten me with the promise of hurting me?

Our minds are really interesting. This should be a traumatic experience, you’d think I’d see this every time I close my eyes. But I don’t. Her siding with my cousin who disrespected me and slut shamed me actually hurts more.

Has anybody experienced similar thing or am I just getting more and more used to all of this shit that it makes me an insensitive person?

Brand new sentence, I know

My mom is having trouble sleeping since forever. She sleeps like 1 or 2 hours a day max and if you think having a mom with BPD is bad, I can say having one with BPD and with no sleep is no picnic in the park either.

She got some antidepressants and anxiety attack medications, which the pharmacy sold her without a prescription - yeah not legal, but she had never used antidepressants before, she didnt know they required a prescription. She got the names of the pills from "her friend" btw, which her doctor prescribed to her for specific reasons.

I went nuts silently and after I calmed myself, had a veeery long and very slow conversation about why we shouldn't take meds without consulting a doctor, that I very much support her decision to get help and take meds, but pointed out the obvious fact that she should consult to a doctor and get the right meds for her. With the correct daily dosage.

She refused to go to a doctor because "she doesn't trust doctors" and because "they all just want to med her up" (i know, the irony..). I was so frustrated and this of course was obvious from my attitudes and my mom started crying and kept saying that it hurts so bad that I cannot stand her or getting so frustrated so easily. I felt bad... I was feeling super guilty, I was trying to remind myself that she thought me how to hold a spoon or any other basic stuff and that I should have been more patient..

I finally found a good doctor close to her place, wanted to make appointment but my mom insisted that she doesn't have the money to afford a psychiatrist. I stepped up, saying that I'll pay for it. Anything for her to get some sleep. She said no again and said its too much. I responded with "if you keep having an hour of sleep everyday, the hospital costs will be much more couple years from now" and boom! She slammed me with: "I know! You payed for one of my surgeries and rubbed it in my face enough!!" with a hatred in her voice.

I am simply in shocked. I did mention that money only one time in the past years, and that was to answer to her this specific question: "out of all the money you've given us, did you mention any of the instances to your fiance?" And I replied with "I've mentioned the surgery money because it was from our joined account." But of course I would tell him, the money was not too too much, but not like a can of soda kinda money.

So yeah.. I was drowning in guilt, until I was reminded of how bad of a daughter I am.

I cannot believe how thin the line is thats in between guilt and anger.