I was lost in guilt until I was accused of rubbing it in my mom's face that I had paid for her surgery...
Brand new sentence, I know
My mom is having trouble sleeping since forever. She sleeps like 1 or 2 hours a day max and if you think having a mom with BPD is bad, I can say having one with BPD and with no sleep is no picnic in the park either.
She got some antidepressants and anxiety attack medications, which the pharmacy sold her without a prescription - yeah not legal, but she had never used antidepressants before, she didnt know they required a prescription. She got the names of the pills from "her friend" btw, which her doctor prescribed to her for specific reasons.
I went nuts silently and after I calmed myself, had a veeery long and very slow conversation about why we shouldn't take meds without consulting a doctor, that I very much support her decision to get help and take meds, but pointed out the obvious fact that she should consult to a doctor and get the right meds for her. With the correct daily dosage.
She refused to go to a doctor because "she doesn't trust doctors" and because "they all just want to med her up" (i know, the irony..). I was so frustrated and this of course was obvious from my attitudes and my mom started crying and kept saying that it hurts so bad that I cannot stand her or getting so frustrated so easily. I felt bad... I was feeling super guilty, I was trying to remind myself that she thought me how to hold a spoon or any other basic stuff and that I should have been more patient..
I finally found a good doctor close to her place, wanted to make appointment but my mom insisted that she doesn't have the money to afford a psychiatrist. I stepped up, saying that I'll pay for it. Anything for her to get some sleep. She said no again and said its too much. I responded with "if you keep having an hour of sleep everyday, the hospital costs will be much more couple years from now" and boom! She slammed me with: "I know! You payed for one of my surgeries and rubbed it in my face enough!!" with a hatred in her voice.
I am simply in shocked. I did mention that money only one time in the past years, and that was to answer to her this specific question: "out of all the money you've given us, did you mention any of the instances to your fiance?" And I replied with "I've mentioned the surgery money because it was from our joined account." But of course I would tell him, the money was not too too much, but not like a can of soda kinda money.
So yeah.. I was drowning in guilt, until I was reminded of how bad of a daughter I am.
I cannot believe how thin the line is thats in between guilt and anger.