u/howgoody

This sub has become my safe space where I feel validated and supported by wonderful people (thank you!). I recently posted here how my pwbpd horribly reacted during my undergrad commencement. I'm still processing/overcoming what she did, but what's really disturbing me is how she's now acting normal as if nothing had happened. I foolishly apologized to her after how she emotionally blackmailed me throughout the entire day, so she decided to "drop the matter" and get over "her disappointment/anger." I hate how I catered to her feelings, and I'm disappointed in myself. Through all this, I am feeling a mix of intense sadness, deep disgust with her, anger at her, and sorry for myself. I just don't know where to go from here. Sadness is the most intense emotion I'm feeling now because all of my friends have mothers who celebrated them and didn't make the commencement about themselves. I think her behavior on my graduation was the point of no return to me; I now know that I must give up on my hope of her becoming a mother to me, and this knowledge is just too hard to get over. Thankfully, I'm moving out soon to a far place (1,278 mi) and have resolved that I'll go LC. To my surprise, she somehow felt that I'd do that, so yesterday, she said I must call her every day or send her a text because she'll otherwise be so worried about me. I held firm and said there'll be days when I'll be too busy to call, so I won't call. She tried to push and make me feel guilty, but I surprisingly held firm. She accepted it with resentment and said, "At least let me know which days they will be." I am so sad that I won't have a mother to turn to when things get tough. I am just wondering if any of you has managed to come to terms with this sadness.

My undergraduate graduation commencement was this past week. I've been trying to process my BPD mom's reactions, but I feel so broken and shattered that I can barely think about it. For context, my college is big, and there were a lot of graduates, which means that they brought their families with them. The entire stadium was full of people. My BPD mom was livid and fuming because I left the stadium from another door instead of going to the door she was sitting next to (that wasn't what we agreed on, so I was so confused that she expected me to leave my line and go to her door). Then she was angry that I got lost (there were huge crowds outside) and couldn't find her for a few minutes. I was literally calling her and asking, "Where are you? I'll come to find you." As I was calling her, she said, "This is it. I won't be taking any pictures. I'll be leaving. You are doing this horrible thing to me." I started panicking and begging her to wait, but she hung up on me. When I found her, she was so angry and started yelling at me (mind you, I just graduated and was feeling so happy prior to this). Thankfully, I was rescued by a professor who came to meet with my "great mom." I was so annoyed and angry to see how her attitude changed once she saw the professor. She suddenly hugged me and kept raving about how supportive she is to me in front of the professor, which really broke something very deep inside me. Then after the professor left, she went back to blaming me for ruining her "best moment" and not doing what other students were doing (e.g., hugging their parents, etc.) She couldn't understand why I didn't cry and thanked her for helping me graduate. We went home, and she would just not stop her outbursts. Then the last straw that really shattered me was her saying, "I will never come to any of your graduations again. Find someone else to be there for you." I am going to start grad school in the fall, and she knows I will have two graduations (master's degree and then PhD). That really shattered me because I realized how determined she was to hurt me in the most vulnerable place. I'm really depressed and would appreciate your support.

I feel that being raised by a bpd parent made me walk on eggshells around people I like because I am always afraid of getting abandoned or doing something wrong that would upset them. My mom used to threaten abandoning us very frequently, which always made super aware of her leaving us suddenly one day. That made me work hard on pleasing her because I hoped she'd take me with her. (When I think of that now, I feel so much rage about how emotionally abusive it was to do that to a child.) Anyway, since my mom would change her attitude towards me when I upset her, I learned to pay so much attention to subtle changes in people's attitudes towards me, and that's so tiring. I could literally tell from a text whether someone's feelings have changed or not (paranoia?). So now, I'm wondering if there's some hope for me to overcome this at some point or if any of you has managed to overcome it? I'd really appreciate your thoughts!

For context, I've been heavily parentified since I was a child. My bpd parent woke me up early in the morning today to complain to me about something that happened. (Between her and her relative.) As I listened to her and got emotionally involved in the matter, she decided that it was after all okay for such things to happen and that we should just move on. I was livid. "My anxiety went up and I am feeling so angry only for you to decide that it's not an important matter anymore?" I kept thinking. I got the courage to finally tell her, "Well, I woke up early for nothing then." I was so angry because I have sleep problems, and I was deeply asleep when she woke me up. She got angry and said she was deeply hurt by me saying so to her. Now, I'm feeling guilty, but I didn't show this guilt to her. She said she'd never share her secrets with me again LOL. (I wish!) Maybe I shouldn't have said this?