u/howgoody

So, I'm moving out soon (Thank God!), and I can clearly see how it's affecting my ubpd mom, even though she's decided to stay passive about it and not show any emotions. However, she keeps doing something that irritates me so much that I want to metaphorically bang my head against the wall to let out my frustration. Whenever I don't do something that I *always* do, she would passively call me out for not doing it and then say, "How would we even miss you if you aren't doing anything that would remind us of you? that would make us say, "Ahhh, she's gone. She used to do this." Huh?" Now that my move-out day is coming up, she keeps saying this every single time, and although in the past it wouldn't have annoyed me this much, I'm now finding it extremely dehumanizing. What do you mean that my entire worth is tied to some things I do or don't do? Like your actual daughter is moving out and all that can remind you of her is her helping you out with chores, not her actual personality and kindness? She also intentionally makes it seem as if I never do them when in fact I do them regularly. I'm so hurt by her determination to focus on my material worth to her. Part of me is saying, "You're just too emotional now." But the other part keeps saying, "Your irritation is justified." I'm so confused and would appreciate your insights. :)

I've been recently reflecting on my childhood, and there's one event that I never managed to forget or get over. Maybe because it was so traumatic? I had a bike that I absolutely loved, but one day while I was away in school, ubpd mom decided to give it away to her friend's child (her friend did her a big favor, and mom wanted to thank her for that). When I came home from school, my brother told me that it was given away. I was devastated. I kept crying, so he called mom and told her how I reacted. She so *cheerfully* said, "I didn't give it away! I am now at a bike store replacing your old bike with a new one." I believed her and felt overwhelmed with joy. I waited and waited for her to come home. When she only came home with her nephew (younger than me), I was fuming and realized she had lied to me (no new bike). I refused to greet him or talk to her. The poor boy asked her, "What's wrong with [cousin]?" She said, "She's sick today" and proceeded to put her hand on my forehead to show him that I had a fever. I moved my head, as she was putting her hand, which infuriated her. She yelled at me, but I didn't care. Now, when I remember this, I wonder how many of RBBs had to experience such events? Is it a BPD thing?

Although it's been several years since my dad passed away, I recently can't help but realize what an awful time I had during a time when I was supposed to grieve and not be worried about other people's feelings. I discovered this group a few months ago and feel aghast at how similar our bpd parents are. To give some context: When he unexpectedly (I repeat: *unexpectedly*) died, I was studying abroad in a different continent (I was 21 years old). I was two months into the study abroad program when I got a call from my mom (ubpd) breaking the news to me. He was perfectly healthy, but I knew he was sick the few weeks prior to his death. What shocks me to this day is that when she told me the news, instead of crying and grieving, I spent the entire call time consoling her and telling her what a great person she was. We had to end the call because I had a meeting with my professor. It's so sad, isn't it? I went to the meeting as if nothing had happened because she instructed me not to share this news with the people at the institute or even my friends. The professor realized that I was obviously not looking well. She inquired and I gave her the stupidest answer ever: "A relative has passed away." "A close relative?" she asked. "Yes," I coyly said. I was taken aback by how empathetic the professor was and how she tried to console me. I somehow thought that it was my mom, not me, who needed to be consoled, so I was surprised by the professor's kindness. I couldn't cry for days. ubpd mom made it worse by calling me and venting to me about how stressed out she was bluh bluh bluh. A few weeks later, I realized that I *deserve to grieve*, so I started trying to tell her that I was grieving his death. I was utterly shocked by how she responded. She completely dismissed it (she didn't think it was concerning that I wasn't able to cry) and got annoyed when I would interrupt her vents by talking about how hard it was to grieve alone abroad. It was my first time ever deciding to put my foot down and draw boundaries (I wish I had done that before). I stopped calling her and grey-rocked when she called. She eventually realized how annoyed I was and was very nice to me the following days (unfortunately, I fell for it). It took several months for me to finally be able to grieve his death. We very rarely talk about him, and it's as if she wants to erase his existence. She triangulated me in their relationship, and I knew so many of their problems (she used me against him). She told me things I shouldn't have known, and I realized how knowing all that impacted my ability to grieve him. I admit they weren't the perfect couple and had tough time, but he was so loving to me, and I was so comfortable around him (I'd hug him and play with him, which was something I couldn't do with her). He cared so much about me and now that he's dead, I realize how awful it must've been to him to see me going against him with little remorse. I feel so incredibly guilty. Now that I'm coming out of FOG, I feel pity for myself and for the terrified 21-year-old student who was abroad and grieved alone. Now, I get easily triggered by people who lose their parents, and I grieve with them. My former teacher lost her mom recently, and my mom found me weeping. She jokingly (but I knew she meant it) said that I didn't cry that much when her own cousin died. She said, "You didn't even console me!" I immediately called her out and said, "Why are you bringing this up when I'm grieving her mother's loss." She felt so uncomfortable that I did so, so shut it down. I don't know why this keeps bothering me, but I just wanted to vent.

I am really clueless about what I should about something that's been bothering me endlessly. My mom and her relative have had a huge quarrel that has caused them to stop talking to each other. After failing to get any sympathy from me (I overheard the entire quarrel and knew she was partly to blame), she went to my GC brother and told him a grossly one-sided version of what happened. He's now completely under the impression that this relative wronged mom and must apologize. When I hinted to her that she should've told him the entire story, she so angry and made a verbal "threat": If you tell him, I will never talk to you and will always be so angry with you. This was several months ago, but she keeps bringing up this incident over and over again to my brother, which in result makes him so angry and completely changed his feelings towards this relative. The level of manipulation is driving me crazy and I'm debating whether I should tell him the truth? Is that even worth it?

I think only this group will understand me. Do you get utterly emotionally crushed when you see someone hugging their mom or their mom hugging them? I hate to admit this, but I feel so envious when I see people having a normal relationship with their mother which allows them to hug her without any problem. I never imagined that a mere hug could have this huge emotional impact on me. The problem is that when my bpd mom hugs me (only on big occasions), my body freezes and I become stiff. The hug seems so performative and not genuine at all, which is so sad.

Okay, I'm feeling stuck. I love my sibling, and he's the GC and older than I am, and he's been so heavily parentified until my ubpd mom decided to start parentifying me. which gave him some space from her. He refuses to see anything wrong with her and truly thinks she is perfect. I'm so disgusted by how he's like a surrogate husband to her, but I also feel bad for him and for her. Anyway, recently pwbpd has been having problems with her relatives and decided to go NC with them and has tried to antagonize us against them, but I kept refusing to take her side, so she manipulated him into thinking that she's the only victim. Although he's taking her side, he wants them to reconcile. That's okay, right? I was so shocked to see how he lectured me on how I should be a "grown up woman" and try to mediate between them. What really bothered me was how he unconsciously put the burden of their conflict on me. I just hate how I can't even get him to see how pwbpd has been so mean and emotionally abusive towards me (sometimes she belittles and mocks me in front of him, and all he can do is pretend he can do nothing to call her out). I'm moving out soon, so they are expecting me to come home often or at least call every day. I feel like he and I live in different worlds.

I just want to vent because I'm feeling like a big idiot after what happened today between me and my mom (Here are two previous posts to give you an idea of what my mom is like: 1 and 2). I recently graduated from college and still live with her but will be moving out very soon. Anyway, today, I decided to share with her that I got an invitation to give a talk in one of my former classes. I was over the moon when I got the invitation because I always dreamt of giving a talk in that class and felt so happy that the instructor believed I could share some insightful tips with his students. When I told her this news, the first thing she said wasn't "Congratulations!" or "That's great!" It was, "Will they be recording it?" She has intense fear of publicity (good or bad), so she wanted to make sure that my talk wouldn't be recorded and posted online. I suddenly felt that I was choking. I felt like a flat tire. I don't know why I haven't already given up on her, but the slight of hope I had today is completely gone and I have decided to never share good news with her again. I was so hurt that I felt the entire room suffocating me. To make it worse, she went on and said something more hurtful: "Some people go to college and achieve many things without ever trying to be at the spotlight [i.e., being interviewed. I was interviewed by my department before I graduated], but there are others who always want to be at the spotlight and be known on social media. They try to attract attention to themselves." It took me a minute to understand why she would say so, but then I realized how she was indirectly criticizing me. Now, I feel so pathetic that I still want to be acknowledged by her and hear her compliment me. Is that even too much to ask? I keep asking myself.

For as long as I can remember, I have always had a pressing desire to convince my ubpd mom of my sickness whenever I was sick because she always dismissed it by saying, "Well, you're just pretending. If you don't stop pretending, you'd truly be sick." Her denial of my sickness always made me feel I was delusional or faking it. AND if she finally believes me, she starts a game that I call: No-I-had-it-worse-or-others-surely-have-it-worse. She always tries to belittle my problems (I think it's usually an unconscious attempt because she is so terrified of seeing someone suffer without repeatedly reminding herself that others have it worse to make herself feel better and less worried). I just hate how she does this, which is why I completely ignore her during such rants. Anyway, one day, she decided to vent to me about a problem she was facing with her own mother (she has always parentified me and has now realized how I keep pushing back against it, which disturbs her deeply). I got a notification, so I checked my phone to see a message from my doctor reporting to me the test results. I interrupted her monologue to share the message. She showed concern for one second and then immediately went back to her topic, which incredibly irritated me. Suddenly, my heart was awash with grief and anger, and this feeling was so overwhelming that I left the room and cut her off. I felt so lonely, as I realized how incapable she is of seeing beyond her own problems. "Why can't she show concerns like a normal, loving parent would?" I keep wondering.

I feel so lost in this battle between my ubpd mom and her relatives. I love one of my aunts and her children so much, but I can't have an open relationship with them due to my mom's outbursts and overreactions when she hears that I have plans to meet up with them to have lunch or coffee. It's so exhausting the constant argument I have to go through when I tell her that I'm going to see them (I have to tell her because I live with her). She tries to guilt-trip me so pathetically, and since I've lately become slightly immune to her manipulative behavior, she is coming up with creative ways to do so. She is trying to make me choose between her and them, and I just don't understand why she refuses to accept my decision (that I won't cut my relationship with them). I understand that she feels threatened by my decision because it shows that she's lost control over me. I hate how she's weaponizing me and my older sibling (her golden child who's been horribly parentified since he was a child) against them. Unfortunately, he only knows half of the story, which is why he is taking her side, and when I wanted to tell him the other half, my mom threatened to "forever be angry" with me if I do so.

This sub has become my safe space where I feel validated and supported by wonderful people (thank you!). I recently posted here how my pwbpd horribly reacted during my undergrad commencement. I'm still processing/overcoming what she did, but what's really disturbing me is how she's now acting normal as if nothing had happened. I foolishly apologized to her after how she emotionally blackmailed me throughout the entire day, so she decided to "drop the matter" and get over "her disappointment/anger." I hate how I catered to her feelings, and I'm disappointed in myself. Through all this, I am feeling a mix of intense sadness, deep disgust with her, anger at her, and sorry for myself. I just don't know where to go from here. Sadness is the most intense emotion I'm feeling now because all of my friends have mothers who celebrated them and didn't make the commencement about themselves. I think her behavior on my graduation was the point of no return to me; I now know that I must give up on my hope of her becoming a mother to me, and this knowledge is just too hard to get over. Thankfully, I'm moving out soon to a far place (1,278 mi) and have resolved that I'll go LC. To my surprise, she somehow felt that I'd do that, so yesterday, she said I must call her every day or send her a text because she'll otherwise be so worried about me. I held firm and said there'll be days when I'll be too busy to call, so I won't call. She tried to push and make me feel guilty, but I surprisingly held firm. She accepted it with resentment and said, "At least let me know which days they will be." I am so sad that I won't have a mother to turn to when things get tough. I am just wondering if any of you has managed to come to terms with this sadness.

My undergraduate graduation commencement was this past week. I've been trying to process my BPD mom's reactions, but I feel so broken and shattered that I can barely think about it. For context, my college is big, and there were a lot of graduates, which means that they brought their families with them. The entire stadium was full of people. My BPD mom was livid and fuming because I left the stadium from another door instead of going to the door she was sitting next to (that wasn't what we agreed on, so I was so confused that she expected me to leave my line and go to her door). Then she was angry that I got lost (there were huge crowds outside) and couldn't find her for a few minutes. I was literally calling her and asking, "Where are you? I'll come to find you." As I was calling her, she said, "This is it. I won't be taking any pictures. I'll be leaving. You are doing this horrible thing to me." I started panicking and begging her to wait, but she hung up on me. When I found her, she was so angry and started yelling at me (mind you, I just graduated and was feeling so happy prior to this). Thankfully, I was rescued by a professor who came to meet with my "great mom." I was so annoyed and angry to see how her attitude changed once she saw the professor. She suddenly hugged me and kept raving about how supportive she is to me in front of the professor, which really broke something very deep inside me. Then after the professor left, she went back to blaming me for ruining her "best moment" and not doing what other students were doing (e.g., hugging their parents, etc.) She couldn't understand why I didn't cry and thanked her for helping me graduate. We went home, and she would just not stop her outbursts. Then the last straw that really shattered me was her saying, "I will never come to any of your graduations again. Find someone else to be there for you." I am going to start grad school in the fall, and she knows I will have two graduations (master's degree and then PhD). That really shattered me because I realized how determined she was to hurt me in the most vulnerable place. I'm really depressed and would appreciate your support.

I feel that being raised by a bpd parent made me walk on eggshells around people I like because I am always afraid of getting abandoned or doing something wrong that would upset them. My mom used to threaten abandoning us very frequently, which always made super aware of her leaving us suddenly one day. That made me work hard on pleasing her because I hoped she'd take me with her. (When I think of that now, I feel so much rage about how emotionally abusive it was to do that to a child.) Anyway, since my mom would change her attitude towards me when I upset her, I learned to pay so much attention to subtle changes in people's attitudes towards me, and that's so tiring. I could literally tell from a text whether someone's feelings have changed or not (paranoia?). So now, I'm wondering if there's some hope for me to overcome this at some point or if any of you has managed to overcome it? I'd really appreciate your thoughts!

For context, I've been heavily parentified since I was a child. My bpd parent woke me up early in the morning today to complain to me about something that happened. (Between her and her relative.) As I listened to her and got emotionally involved in the matter, she decided that it was after all okay for such things to happen and that we should just move on. I was livid. "My anxiety went up and I am feeling so angry only for you to decide that it's not an important matter anymore?" I kept thinking. I got the courage to finally tell her, "Well, I woke up early for nothing then." I was so angry because I have sleep problems, and I was deeply asleep when she woke me up. She got angry and said she was deeply hurt by me saying so to her. Now, I'm feeling guilty, but I didn't show this guilt to her. She said she'd never share her secrets with me again LOL. (I wish!) Maybe I shouldn't have said this?