u/Secure-Hearing7760

I remember so many times my mother tried to embarrass me or my brothers in public, or draw unnecessary attention to themselves in public. I remember one instance where my mom was screaming profusely at a taco bell employee over a BOX! another time she tried to draw attention to herself screaming transgender ice cream in public or just general rudeness. The ice cream situation is more funny now, but it was really embarrassing as a kid.

I am just curious if this is a common pattern.

Why is it never a mature or normal conversation, always just a massive split and then a block. Do they just do it to hurt you one more time. God forbid someone is honest to them.

I guess I am in the clear?

That was fast.

God damnit

Mine does not, see the world as her problem. Never her.

It has been months, she caused me to spiral daily and made me question my reality. She got mad at me when I withdrew and was in pain, and I felt unsafe to tell her how I felt. Her expectations of me were so high, while she barely contributed compared to what would have been expected of me. In all realities she would have probably harmed me in the long run. I realize how genuinely bad she would have been for me

Yet, a part of me naively is just replaying everything in my head and how its my fault. Yes, I made mistakes, yes I tried correcting it. I had to write paragraphs of apologies for her just to be happy with me, or forgive me. God, what the fuck is wrong with me. I need tips, this bond is struggling.

It used to bother me how I always had an unstable relationship with my mom, having her split on me truamaitized me among trying to manage around her mood. I remember trying to spend time with her, constantly being gulit tripped about how lonely she felt and how me not visiting her caused her to buy a dog "so she wouldnt feel so alone"

I wish it was more, but I just feel its too late to manage now. Not to mention her intolerance and hatred toward my gender and sexual identity :(

In hindsight, I am grateful she did what she did. This breakup was so truamaitizing, and honestly I got out so fucking easily. I ran through scenarios where if she did return, I realized I have developed new maturity with boundaries (even if they arent the strongest). I could not take her back, and I am okay with the lack of closure. I realized what I needed to fix and improve, and am working diligently to not repeat those behaviors.

An anxiety of her returning is really bothering me, it makes me feel like she will try to come back to my life. Try to hoover me, and I am worried if I just will fall back to old habits.

I never wanted her to hate me or villainize me, but really, I think I got out for the better. Just that lingering fear of an ex returning, has anyone else felt this?

It is a losing battle, you cannot win. It is an endless void, nothing you can do will make them happy. Happiness comes from within, use the love you can give and apply it to yourself. I am trying to learn that for myself, and having self compassion is huge. Respect your body/mind. Go out, get fresh air, get therapy. Sounds cliche, but it does wonders.

My discard was so brutal, and it drove me crazy trying to understand why. It was so sudden for me, and then I realized it was born from emotional dysregulation. It was over text and so sudden, they do not give you space to respond. Even if they did, its better to just walk away than to explain yourself. Lack of closure will hurt, and it aches. But closure is what you make it, not them. You are stronger than that.

I guess I wrote this for myself, but I figured I wanted to share.

I feel like I have always had OCD, but never to this extent. After being in a relationship with my ex. I feel like my OCD is in full force, and completely brought forth it out from me. It is insane to me it was only 4 month relationship, and I have this. Thank god I am in therapy for it. I feel so truamaitized by it.

I remember as a kid my mom told me by dad abandoned me and left me to go back to his home country (this was a balant lie as he went back for medical reasons temporarily). I was sitting with this thought eariler today, and I realized that more and more things she said made me feel like the world was out to get me or to make me feel so unloved outside of her. It is super painful to sit with these memories, as it hurts tremendously.

After breaking up with my ex and processing my breakup fully, I feel like there has been so many issues in my own life and behaviors that I realize that they have failed me. Are these breakups THAT truamtic to you as well? I feel like despite my progress, my serious faults or failings have came to the surface previous breakups haven't. It is genuinely insane to me how this 4 month relationship completely ripped up my own wounds insanely.

My therapist told me yesterday that you were blamed for things that you had no control over. Leading you to people please and constantly seek external validation. It really struck a cord with me, and made me actually like. Sad. It was too real for me.

My mom would often blame me for making her fat, because she had to give birth to me or called me a food raider because she had to spend money to feed me. She often berated me for my weight and appearance, and even does it now. She is much heavier than me, and so it is confusing to me. Constantly made me feel worse about myself and apperance.

I finally got over my ex, the advice and experiences everyone has shared has helped me so much. I am so grateful for everyone who has commented on my post or followed my post. This has been the most traumatic break ups of my life, and the resources comments and post helped me rationalize everything.

Thank you all.

I recently began reading the 4th edition book and stopped at chapter 5 today. I realized I am quite an unconscious eater and would like to unlearn any harmful diet culture. I felt I have been doing that listening to when my body is consciously hungry and eating what satisfies me. The book really resonated with me and I feel it is the most natural?

Rented a g20 on the range and fell in love with 10mm today, might be my new favorite aside from 357 MAG. I got to know what options are available, I like glock but I dont mind exploring other options. More interested in polymer handguns.

Also what is difference between G20 vs G20 SF

(Remaking post cause I forgot the Haiku + and didnt have time to add it in)

Cat Haiku:

The cat is round,

It goes meow and lays around

At peace or to rest, the cat knows how to abide

By the rules of calming to set aside

Meow meow meow

It purrs and relaxes

I learned that my mother recently had BPD about a couple of weeks ago, and I feel like I learned so much toxic behaviors from her and was damaged severely by her. Is it normal for parents who have BPD act like children or teenagers? It always bothered me that my mom just always acted like a 15 year old, and never her age. It made the relationship extremely awkward. I just need feel so just, like truamatized and with my break up with an EX who also had BPD (recently broken up with). Made me realize how emotionally and mentally damaged by her, I never realized the extent of abuse took a toll on me.

I feel depressed thinking how codependent I am, and how repressed I am.

I feel so unraveled and shaken, and its only been 2 months. I feel like truama I havent felt in years was brought out in only 4-5 months relationship and it spiraled my mental health. I feel horrible, despite the work I am doing and going to therapy weekly. It is not even about missing her per say, I just feel like I cannot even trust myself and I feel own OCD surfaced as a young adult around this time.

I keep doubting myself and I felt like I cannot trust my reality. I do not want her back, I do not want to keep feeling this way. I want to tell her off, itemize the way she hurt me, but its pointless and petty of me. I don't want to stigmatize/villainize people with BPD, but I cannot trust these people. I have just been hurt, and dare I say broken by said people.

My life has improved so much, I have done so much to improve myself. I am terrified at the reality if I fall for someone with BPD or they fall in love with me (and I return feelings). I am afraid if I miss or ignore red flags again, or if my ex comes back. I have been hurt by people with this illness, I just worry about falling into that role again.

I thought I was having an emotional wave of missing my ex today, but no. It is fear, fear that I repeat this again or lose myself again to someone with BPD. This anxiety just stresses me out, I want to enter new relationships but I dont want to do that to myself again.

I feel so, just sad. I genuinely feel like she made me feel I was codependent on them, when really their fear of engulfment took over them. God forbid I was struggling and stretched thin, god forbid I needed emotional support or a shoulder to lean on. Telling me I treated them like my therapist when I had one? Insulting. I just feel hurt.

I told her I needed more time, and that I can get whatever I need done after I graduate. I told her I will get better, and I am.

I never want her in my life again. I have been focusing on me, and seeing her behaviors she did to me hurt me immensely. My whole world had to be gravitate toward theres until I lost my own field of pull. I have done so much and learned so much about myself in 2 months than my 22 years of living. I feel so accomplished, and yet so sad.