u/BurntBrain101

Usually sa suicidewatch ako tas napapansin ko na maraming pinoy din na nagbabasa don so i tried posting here. This is my 3rd time posting here.

I am a private person. Never ako nagppost ng kahit ano. Except maybe for my mental health. I need to vent and usually okay nayun. Pero the past few weeks, i can feel myself about to explode. The urge to cut is getting intense.

So intense i have grabbed a scalpel blade. Havent opened kasi nasasayangan ako. But nows the time. Walang tao sa bahay. Magisa ako.

Saw a post about how op gained a new perspective on how they perceive cutting. Mas dumali ata for them. Is that true?

My heart rate is a bit high. I have tried to calm myself down. Distract myself from this trance. Talked to people but i got triggered instead. Not their fault.

Fuck fuck fuck. God help me

I saw a post earlier how he shared the reason behind his comment/invitation to someone to a ticktokclock or something and something struck me. Yung linyahan along the lines of "when someone is like attempting or smth you just need to break that state of mind" like if ako ngayon, i need to somehow distract myself para mascatter yung thoughts/emotions (deescalate) ko on offing myself. Gets ba lol

Anyways, di ba nakakapagod ganun? Patuloy tuloy mong trinitry ikalma or distract sarili mo in that very second pero babalik kalang din. Ive tried all the help, tips n tricks, methods wahetever binigay ng counsellor. Or baka inconsistent ako or im doing it wrong. Baka i might have a disorder or disease or something malay ko ba.

Nakakapagod lang ung mood ko akyat baba nalang lagi, pero ang malala, wala rin ako funds or oras or kakayahan para ipacheck up sarili ko. Baka ayaw ko na. Alam kong ayaw ko na pero kailangan ko rin mabuhay. Awit sayo boss. Lahat nalang malaki o maliit nattrigger ako.

Masyado bakong sensitive? Or am i spoiled? Idont even know what is the line or definition for it anymore.

I dont want to talk about it. Nararamdaman ko na i push ppl away kahit ayaw ko . Sana di nako gumising pero gusto ko pang mabuhay.

Wala nako masabi sa buhay na ito. Kahit anong sikap at tiyaga wala talaga. Nakakapagod na magvent. Nakakahiya na. Nakakapagod pumunta at mageffort pumunta sa counsellors o therapists para lang ighost ako.

Sobrang guilty ko kasi parang sinasayang ko lang efforts ng nagpalaki sakin. Nakakapagod na lagi kanalang ginagago ng gobyerno, makakita ng kabobohan ng mga tao, at ng pamilya mo.

Ang hirap maging contento kung mali naman talaga ang ginagawa o nangyayari sakin pero wala ako choice kundi malulunod ako. Mahirap maging contento na may mga tao na konti lang problema pero parang di naman nila deserve dahil baluktot morality at pagkatao nila.

Ayoko na kumausap, ayoko na magexplain. Pero ayoko rin mamatay kasi gusto ko pa makita ang lola ko na nasa langit na. Kung tutuusin ayoko rin mamatay. Ramdam ko na sasabog nako soon.

Ayoko iwanan ang mga alaga ko. Kawawa naman sila.