Embarrassed by my behavior
I am just venting.
For the last 4-6 weeks I have been all over the place. I have picked fights with my husband and said mean things to him, said stuff I absolutely do not mean, have been drinking too much and blacking out and doing/saying things that are out of character for me (I googled, 5 of my meds are associated with blacking out from alcohol and I didn't know).
My emotions have been everywhere, too. One day/a few days in a row I'll be happy and energetic, then I'll be cranky and mean, then I'll be exhausted and crying, sleeping all the time. No rhyme or reason.
Fortunately I only work 16 hours a week and I've kept myself together at work, but I've sometimes been exhausted to the point where people notice, and I've also been suuuuper annoyed at a coworker.
I told my psychiatrist and she changed my meds around a little bit, but I haven't started yet because I have to be able to sleep a full night, and I can't really. I either have to get up super early so my daughter's nurse can leave and I can get her ready for school, or there is no nurse and I have to wake up during the night to handle her feeding pump.
I poured out the last bit of alcohol I have, and I've apologized to my husband for everything I have said and done. I tried to sign up for therapy but the place that was recommended by my PCP and family members had an issue with my insurance and I was so irrationally angry/overwhelmed (I was not nice to that lady and now I'm embarrassed about that, too) that I have not brought myself to try another place.
I feel out of control of my feelings and my words. I am so embarrassed by everything that's happened, and I'm scared that I will keep saying awful things that I don't mean because it's like I don't have control over it, and then afterwards I'm so upset with myself.
I don't know how my husband stays with me after everything. I just feel so bad that I wish I could hide in my bed all the time and be alone so that I don't hurt him again. He hates it when I push him away and I'm trying not to. The man is a saint, he is so forgiving, he doesn't deserve this.
I think this is a mixed episode, and I feel like Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde. I'm tired of living like this, I'm scared of the fact that I feel like I'm not in control of my emotions and words. I don't know what else to do besides what I've already done.