I am hurt emotionally but can't stop myself
So I started dating my bf almost a year ago and things are good between us .. we do have some differences but nothing we can't work through and we both are in college and transitioning so I understand
It all started when we exchanged insta passwords .. I really don't have much going on in my life and never really had .. joined instagram very new and have not many friends .. the fact that I made my official instagram account after I came into a relationship explain this
On the other hand my man .. he is a very interesting person and at the time was very popular too , he had a lot of female friends and many of them flirted with him although from his side it was nothing, when I met him he had none and he was ahead of his life but his chats were there and he didn't delete any .. not even the ones with his ex
Which was the only true relationship he came in it was almost of 1.5 years and they were pretty serious.. my bf never really said bad things about her when we were friends but yess he has moved on and i know that
I met his after 2.5 years of his break up but yeah in the time he didn't talk to girls or had deep connections ..
It all started by me reading his chats with friends and almost with every friend at some point of life I have read msgs about his ex and he wasn't able to move on or how he still kinda had feelings for her aleven after a year of break up or so and how he always raised concerns that he won't ever find someone like her coz she was the best
So yess naturally I was consumed in jealousy not because my bf gives a damn of his ex I am damn sure he has moved on and all but heart feels what it wanna feel .. those messages hurt the shit out of me more than I can accept and then it started
My jealousy and my stalking .. I kinda read normally but some chats with his ex and actually found out that I was a bit similar to her in ways and damn it was painful i almost thought that he just kinda replaced her with me .. he saw his ex in me and the idea killed me .. I saw a few of her photos with my man on his story archive and damn 😭😭😭 it was traumatizing.. it was the biggest mistake because they haunt me still
No matter how i tell myself it still haunts me .. and it's hurting a lot
I started stalking her and I don't know why I just wanted to know what she is doing and this loop is painful because when I do stalk it hurts me so much
Also after his breakup he didnt move on and that girl left him like anything so it hurts more that that girl had such a big impact in his life and that he loved her so much
I don't know what my problem is but this jealousy is hurting me so so so much .. it burns my heart to a point I can't think straight , it makes me cry and it makes me hate myself and her too
But the human in me doesn't hate her coz she also has a lot of past trauma familial trauma so I can't hate her but I hate her to date my man and to be his first kiss first love
Sometimes I wonder what if she decided to come back and it's weird
At the same time I feel so damn sad for the amount of pain and misery my bf went through after the breakup ..
I love him and I am happy with him but this really hurts me a lot I don't know how to be indifferent about how to stop stalking